'AITA for treating my kids differently due to their own decisions?'
"AITA for treating my kids differently due to their own decisions?"
Having disagreement with my wife. Kid 1 - 19m saves money, and I’ve been teaching him about investing and he is very interested. Kid 2 - 17m saves no money (from doing the exact same work, during the same time period), spends it all on his friends and despite my guidance cares little about saving or investing.
Kid 3 - 14f just started working this year, and has 7 times more money than Kid 2, which was a pleasant surprise to me the way she has taken responsibility, and has taken an interest in investing.
They have all held the exact same summer job, except Kid 1 is now old enough to legally work as an adult so he can work during the school year.
With Kid 1 I sold him a car for $5,000 which he paid for in cash (car was worth around $9k).
I tried giving him my old stick shift, but he didn’t like it and wanted a bigger car. I let them make their decisions, so I sold him our other car. Well, that car had a major break down within 6 months of him giving us $5k. So in an effort to make things right, I bought it back from him, and we agreed to use it to put a down payment down on a Rav4.
I also cover ½ the payment, but he pays insurance and 50% of the loan payment. With Kid 3 we are looking to set up a child’s investment account, and I’ve also borrowed money from her and I am paying it back in interest, her bank account doesn’t have access to CDs or lightweight investments so I set up the Bank of Daddy and pay her interest.
With Kid 2 I’ve attempted to correct bad spending behaviors that he has. He has next to no money. I mean, they’ve all gotten the same talks, the same education, the same offer of help. But I don’t control what they actually do with their money. So he hangs out with friends and likes to throw money around.
Which at his age isn’t a huge red flag for me, but it does limit what I can actually do with him right now, and at his age, Kid 1 had nearly $10k to his name. My wife has noticed the dealings I’ve had with each kid, and somehow thinks I need to “correct” the situation so Kid 2 can feel more included. However, in my view I’m “doing” the exact same thing with them all.
They’re all included, and only limited by their own decisions. He’s upset he doesn’t have money, but he also gets upset when I try to tell him why ordering $60 worth of Wendy’s for two people through Door Dash is a terrible idea. I know there's things I could do to "make him happy." But the most important part of financial education is teaching discipline. Which won't be learned by bailing him out of his decisions.
EDIT: I did NOT say in OP that I "needed" to borrow money from my daughter. If you read the entire sentence I explained exactly what I was doing, acting as a bank.
EDIT: The focus of my post was the difficulty between me and my wife and her perception of how I was handling it. I did not indicate that me and Kid 2 have some sort of contemptuous relationship.
There is plenty we have in common and do together, no he doesn't have ADHD, no we/I don't disclude him. Yes, making up about us is on you. The people who are asking questions are great. The people hurtling darts are just keyboard warriors looking for the worst in people.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Merrik4T wrote:
NTA but the money isn’t the issue, it’s his desire to feel generous and important and needed/wanted by his friends. This IS a dangerous habit because it’s an emotional one that can really derail his life if it becomes a permanent coping mechanism. Forget the money for a minute. How do you address the underlying cause?
OP responded:
I agree it's more he loves to make people happy, nothing he actually does is actually detrimental once. But now that it's trending with no brakes I feel the discussion should change a bit.
I'm much better suited for the more practical conversations, and his mother connects with him better on an emotional level. Which is why I am trying hard to understand her perspective than just write it off. Which is easy for someone with my personality to do.
Remote-Passenger7880 wrote:
INFO: what exactly has your wife suggested in order to "correct" this situation? Surely if she thinks that correction is possible, she has suggestions on tactics.
OP responded:
In the past it was "lending" him money. Now that he has no income from summer work, probably just giving it to him.
She doesn't really have any suggestions, just that it seems unfair.
AdFinal6253 wrote:
Obviously your kids aren't clones even tho they've had the same home life
Are you making sure kid 2 has enough money sense to function as an adult? However he needs to be taught it, not necessarily what worked for your other 2.
OP responded:
I do think about that, and try to adjust how we talk about it. Our talks aren't contentious and he seems to understand. However, his real world decisions when I'm not around conflict with what he says he wants to do. Not saying there's nothing I can do better, just that improving my approach isn't a thought that was lost on me.
Extension-Event4998 wrote:
NAH your wife is right kinda but not the reason you think, you’re treating all your kids as the same person. Two needs a different approach, their is something about them that do not work with your methods, you need to try a new approach, I have money issues myself and it turned out to be cause I have a chemical deficiency of serotonin and dopamine.
Spend fixed it as it gives you a rush of those chemicals, as well I honestly thought I won’t make it to 23 so stuff like that never mattered to me. You need to spend time with him and understand him why he is spending.
Only then can you figure it out, maybe he has high functioning depression that only visible in uncommon signs, maybe he has self image issues and feel like he has to spend to keep his social status or friends.
Maybe he feels like he's not going to make it any where, something is different and treating him like a failure is going to push him away and you will not find out why. If you want to help approach as find the reason why he seems to be unable to do the same, cause the way your talking your treating it like a moral failure or laziness or hedonism but their is a real reason something isn’t click.