"AITA for triggering my stepmom into an unhinged rage?"

My parents have been divorced for 17 years. There were allegations that my dad cheated on my mum which my dad and stepmum strongly reject. He got with my stepmum almost immediately after divorcing my mum (marriage of 15 years with two kids) My sister and I truthfully believe the allegations, but keep our opinions to ourselves.

Over the last 17 years, my sister and I have had a civil relationship with our stepmother and have bit our tongues about any snide comments, like we could have afforded a mortgage for a bigger house if we didn't have to pay child maintenance.

They have also made a big deal about not being able to put my sister's wedding photo up in the house due to how they were "mistreated" at the ceremony. In reality the mistreatment involved my mother and my grandparents opting to not talk to her at the wedding and as a result she felt very excluded although there were 100 guests.

Today we were discussing a birthday party for my sister's 30th and my dad made comments about how they wouldn't be able to sit at the same table as my mother + grandparents as my mother would refuse and they wouldn't get on well.

My step mum went on a lengthy and aggressive rant about how immature and ridiculous this was and how they should be able to talk normally like other normal families do. She also became increasingly aggressive and brought up the wedding photo situation again.

At this point my sister and I denied the correlation between her bad experience at the wedding and the ability to hang a wedding photo of my sister on the wall. I then suggested that I could tell them the REAL reason why she was ignored at the wedding, but that it would cause upset and so I tried to leave the room.

However after hearing her continue to argue and yell at my sister I returned and explained that the reason she was ignored at the wedding was due to the fact that from my mother's side of the family's POV she broke up a family.

From this point onwards she started to become increasingly aggravated and aggressively screamed at my sister and I on the driveway stating "how dare you accuse me of breaking up a family", "I met your dad at a bar as he was always there due to how unhappy he was [due to the marriage]."

We tried to explain that this was not our POV, but my mother's family's POV and my sister and I are honestly baffled about why she's hung up about this, as the wedding happened 3-4 years ago? We chose to leave as she was becoming very aggressive and our dad did not help de-escalate the situation and simply stood there in silence whilst she screamed in our faces and shook her finger in our faces.

Since we left he has not reached out to see if we are okay, or to talk about what happened. * We sent him a message to see if he'd like to talk and he declined stating he wasn't in the right mental state. AITA for suggesting she essentially reaped what she sowed?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

[deleted] said:

NTA, though it was also your dad who helped break up the family. That's a dance you can't do solo.

Sea-Confection-2627 said:

NTA. It seems you hit a nerve. This wasn't the first time someone has told her she was a homewrecker. There might be some truth to it. Don't invite this woman to your sister's birthday party as your stepmum will only cause a scene. I would go NC with her. Go very LC with your dad as he didn't stick up for you and your sister, nor did he tell you that you were wrong.

Careless_Mango said:

So she admitted getting together with him before the divorce, she was meeting him at the bar whilst he was whinging about his marriage, she knew he was married with kids. NTA and dont invite her to your sisters party. Protect your mother from this unhinged woman.

And [deleted] said:

NTA go no contact your step mom is childish, petty and completely unhinged, your dad is no better he let her scream and flip out at you and he did nothing.

Acceptable_Day6086 said:

OP you do realize that in a moment of anger your SM admitted that, at a minimum, she and your father emotionally cheated, although it surely sounds like they physically cheated as well, before the marriage was over? "I met your dad at a bar as he was always there due to how unhappy he was [due to the marriage]."

I mean, at that point your parents were still together, so yes, your father cheated on your mother.

OP responded:

Yeah, we did realise this after we walked away, but figured it could in theory be after the divorce settled in as he would have been unhappy then too.

We are leaning towards your comment though and think she slipped up. We'd always been told they met after the divorce so things maybe aren't adding up.

Zealousideal-Duty511 added:

Please remind both your dad and stepmom they effed up their story. She told on herself and literally blamed your mom for ruining their marriage in the process. She disrespected your guys’ mom to your faces insinuating she was so horrible your father had no choice but to leave his family to go sit at a bar.

My dad cheated on my mom for 20 years (before we found out) and all of your dads reactions and stuff sound EXACTLY like him.

And OP responded:

Ngl, this is 100% what I was most offended by. She gave no consideration to my dad or my sister and my feelings when she said that my dad was unhappy. I also think she slipped up in rage.

Edit from OP:

Thank you so much for all the replies below - my sister and I greatly appreciate all the opinions shared here. Just to be clear - my mother has no ill feelings in this situation and isn't hung up on the divorce, she just doesn't want to make small talk with my stepmum.