Best man asks, 'WIBTA for trying to convince my best friend to leave his fiancée?'
"WIBTA for trying to convince my best friend to leave his fiancée?"
ThrowAwayAccount8276
Throw away because people involved know my main. I (27M) am the best man in my (27M, "Matt") Best friend's wedding. His fiancé (25F "Hannah") doesn't like me much, regardless of this I've always been polite to her because she's still my best friend's future wife.
Last night we had his bachelor party. Instead of doing anything big we just decided to hang out with just the two of us (Matt wanted a small wedding, Hannah didn't so they decided on a bigger wedding and Hannah practically picked the rest of Matt's groomsmen) at my apartment drinking, watching movies, and having a good time.
Matt mentioned to me how he was feeling a bit hesitant about actually marrying Hannah. I asked him why and he said it was because he felt she pressured him into it. I didn't know this but apparently, she's turned into quite the bridezilla and it's stressing Matt out. According to Hannah, it's "her day" not "their day."
Matt mentioned how Hannah was trying to convince him to drop me from the wedding entirely in favor of her MOH’s boyfriend. Matt showed me a conversation they had over text where she said "I don't think MOH would feel comfortable being paired up with him because he's gay."
This upset me, I've been out as gay since I was in my early teens, and my parents didn't take it well so I ended up moving into Matt's house and staying with him and his family until I could get on my feet which I will never be able to thank them enough for. We talked about this and me and Matt concluded that she doesn't like me because I'm gay and she thinks I'm "too close" to Matt.
I asked Matt why he was even marrying her if he was so stressed out and upset with her about this, Matt said he didn't know and that because it was so close he would probably just go along with it.
I told him no and that he needed to have a serious conversation with Hannah about this and then make a choice from there. He said he'd talk to her about it and I left it at that.
I drove Matt home this morning and he promised me he'd talk to Hannah and I left. I don’t want Matt to end up in a marriage where he’s not happy, seeing him this stressed before the wedding has even happened is making me worried.
I understand this isn’t my wedding and it’s Matt’s decision to make not mine but I don’t think he should marry her anymore.
WIBTA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
DrJones1993
NTA. The people saying that it's basically none of your business must not have close friendships. That's one of the things that friends are for I think. To tell you the hard truths no one else will or can. I think you should try another time or two to let him know that it's never too late.
Maybe tell him that even though it will be a big drama bomb if he leaves at this stage, it will eventually just be a memory & he will be happier in the end. But once he doesn't seem to be listening or gets defensive, you have to back off.
It sucks so bad to watch friends be in bad relationships (been there), but once you say your peace, you've done all you can. At the end of the day it is his life & he will have to learn his lessons his own way.
But I do not think it's wrong to say what you think at all. Good luck!
(And sorry you're still dealing with bigotry in this day and age. Seriously? People are insufferable.)
squigs
NTA. You're not telling him what to do. You're asking him to consider what he should be doing. Which is what you should do as a friend. Mind you...
"I don't think MOH would feel comfortable being paired up with him because he's gay"
You know that's not the real reason, right? It's because she dislikes you. Maybe because she sees you as competition. Maybe some other reason. Obviously you dislike her because she doesn't like you, but it's possible your dislike of her is affecting your feelings.
C_Majuscula
NTA, he's having serious doubts and "just go along with it" is NOT A REASON TO GET MARRIED. Breaking it off now may be painful, but a lot less painful than an actual divorce.
hubertburnette
NTA for expressing concern about the relationship/marriage. That's really helpful, since someone like Hannah can minimize, gaslight, deflect, and dismiss concerns. What you said can be a lifeline out of a bad relationship a few years down the road.
Inevitable-Chest-143
You're an ah for the phrasing "convince my best friend to leave". But NTA overall. It sounds like he's unhappy. It is okay for you to express concerns over his unhappiness. Express concerns for him being silenced by her and her running his life.
Express it's okay to change ur mind, it's okay to leave. The people that genuinely love you will understand. Express she's homophobic and that's really hard to be around for everyone, not just you.
Question him with what he wants. What would make him happy etc. Point out - so what's the plan? Be miserable for the rest of your life? We'd for 5 years then divorce? Does any of that make sense? It is not okay to try to convince him to leave her without him prompting.
Perfect_Calendar9847
NTA. Hannah sounds a lot like my cousin’s ex. He was not happy in the relationship and I clearly remember him becoming completely disinterested in wedding planning and when asked he said “we’ll probably be divorced within 5 years so why should I care?”
He didn’t want to deal with the drama and conflict of breaking it off (and o boy there was so much drama) but ultimately he’s happier now than he was with her. But if no one had asked him or said blowing thousands of dollars on a wedding just to avoid the drama seemed like a bad idea he could have married her and been miserable. A wedding and marriage should be about both people.