'AITA for trying to have a baby with my boyfriend while I’m married?' UPDATED

"AITA for trying to have a baby with my boyfriend while I’m married?"

I (28F) am married to my husband (29M), but he has been in prison for the last five years of our “7 year” marriage because of something he did that completely changed the way my family sees him. I don’t want to go into detail for privacy reasons, but it’s serious enough that realistically I could never bring him back into my family’s life even if I wanted to.

When he first went to prison, I tried really hard to be there for him. And was, For about the first three years I talked to him almost every day, helped him financially, and supported him as much as I could because he didn’t have many people in his life besides his mom barely. And tbh at that time I really didn’t have many people in mine either.

Although , I repeatedly told him that I wasn’t waiting for him and that our relationship wasn’t really a relationship anymore. I would say things like “we’re not together” and “I’m not waiting for you,” we would still giggle and play over the phone calls honestly relationship improved tremendously since he was locked up. I never did go into detail about my romantic life with him because I didn’t want to hurt him unnecessarily.

For example, if I talked to someone casually or went on a date, I never told him. My mindset was that if it was just a fling and wasn’t going anywhere, there was no reason to break his heart over something temporary.

Looking back, I realize that probably made things confusing for him because even though I said we weren’t together anymore, I was still emotionally present in his life for a long time.

About two years ago I reconnected with someone I dated in high school (29M). We started talking just to catch up, but it slowly turned into a real relationship. This was the first real relationship since my husband went to prison that actually became serious.

But at the time I didn’t know how serious it would become. Me and this guy let’s call “Dan” was always very on and off in high school. But this time it seemed to stick. I told him how I had got married right after our last break up and he was my one that got away. From there things started developing fast next thing i know im at his place everyday I practically live with him.

When that happened, my communication with my husband started dropping a lot. It went from daily calls, to a few times a week, to a few times a month, and eventually to almost no contact except occasional calls on special occasions. I never answered his calls when I was around my bf. At first seeming like a thing you don’t just causally mention then feeling like I fell head first into a lie of omission.

At some point I felt so horrible I had to attempt to grow a spin and tell my husband not so playfully that I wanted a divorce and that I was now in a relationship and trying to focus on being a good girlfriend, so the constant calls needed to stop. I admit I did do it kinda harshly because when I had tried gently telling him or easing him into the idea of me moving on he would laugh it off as if I could never do that to him.

Then he lashed out with name calling and I stop answering him all together for months during that time me and my bf got even closer and full on moving in together.

Oh but before that part some of his family members kept stirring things up. His cousin and sometimes his mom would and still do stalk my Facebook and then report back to him about things I post.

For example, I once posted a picture with my stepdad, and apparently his cousin told him I was “posting pictures with other guys,” which resulted in a day of him blowing up my phone while I was actively with my bf and avoiding his calls. When I finally did answer, stepping outside, I told him it wasn’t what he thought but even if it was. So what. WE ARE NOT TOGETHER but I’m bubbly and I’d laugh and smile while saying it.

Another time I posted one of those “men ain’t shit” memes and somehow his mom saw it and he called asking if I was talking about him. I was like no but you ain’t either then we sat on the phone just catching up.

Now that I’m in a serious relationship though, I know they can see posts like when I wish my boyfriend happy birthday or talk about being happy, and I assume those get reported back to him too. And I care but I don’t.

My boyfriend has always known that I’m technically still married, but we don’t really talk about my marriage much because it’s uncomfortable for both of us. If my husband calls, his contact name literally shows up as “ex-husband” in my phone. My boyfriend has seen it pop up before, I told him it was him calling, and we just moved on with our night.

For the most part I don’t answer anymore. For example, he called on my birthday but I didn’t answer because my boyfriend had taken me out to dinner. Another time he called repeatedly on our wedding anniversary while my boyfriend and I were out shopping for decorations for the apartment we had just moved into together.

My boyfriend and I are now living together and talking about building a future together, including trying to have a baby. And it got me in my feelings because yeah at one point it wasn’t be me and my husband having this life and I feel guilty being much happier building this life with my boyfriend.

Oh The person who is calling me a terrible person over all of this is my mother-in-law. She says it’s disgusting that I’m “playing house” with another man and planning a family while I’m still legally married to her son.

The reason I’m still legally married is honestly just because I haven’t dealt with the divorce process yet. Between paperwork, lawyers, and the complications of him being incarcerated, I kept putting it off. But emotionally the marriage has been over for years. So AITA for moving on with my life and trying to start a family even though the divorce isn’t finalized yet?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Lighthouse_on_Mars said:

YTA, get a divorce. Just get the damn divorce, getting a lawyer and serve him divorce papers. It actually super straightforward to divorce someone in prison and happens ALL THE TIME. You are the ahole for keeping his hope alive.

He has currently been in prison for 5 years??? And your family won't forgive him??? Either he had to do something pretty damn bad to be put away for that long, OR, this wasn't his first offense. You sound and are acting like a teenager. Time to put on your big girl pants and get a freaking divorce!

Any child you have while you're married is technically legally recognized by the state as belonging to your husband. Even if you put someone else on the birth certificate, if your husband gets out of jail he can cause all sorts of legal complications for you if you are married at the time of you having a child.

roadkill4snacks said:

If you can’t deal with a divorce, what makes you think you can cope being a parent or being a decent partner? If you don’t divorce, will your ex husband try to claim rights to your child with another man to manipulate and control you?

While call you a cheater but call himself a saint to being loyal to a cheating spouse? Meanwhile his family and friends will continue to harass you. I pity your current partner, you aren’t doing much to protect him or your potential child.

Veridical_Perception said:

YTA for not getting a divorce before moving on. You've had 5 years. Why haven't you done it? You're not "technically" married. You're LEGALLY married. There is no technicality about it.

Smitten-kitten83 said:

YTA. In a lot of states a legal husband is automatically listed as the father. Get it together and file for divorce before complicating things with a baby.

oldgrandma65 said:

YTA, and a drama queen.

bmw5986 said:

YTA for trying for a child with someone else when you're still not divorced. Technically, you aren't single, just available.

Interesting-Luck-312 said:

YTA. You want your cake and to eat it too. If you do not want to be married anymore, then get divorced. File the paperwork and you both sign it. It's not as complicated as you think it is.

Another thing, depending on the state, if you have a child with another man while currently married to your husband, he will be on the birth certificate as the father even though he isn't.

You will have to pay for a paternity test and refile the birth paperwork to have the actual father on the certificate. Some states you cannot get divorced while pregnant. Grow up. Get divorced and move on. Stop playing with his emotions and stringing him along.

UPDATE:

When my husband first went to prison, everything happened very quickly. I was about 23ish and pretty isolated from most of my family and friends at the time. The main voice in my ear was my estranged father, who told me I couldn’t leave my husband “while he was down.” He even told me that if my husband hurt himself in prison after I left, it would be my fault.

Because of that among other reasons, I stayed and kept supporting him emotionally for years. For about three years we talked almost every day and lived like we were still a couple, even though I would say things like I wasn’t waiting for him. It wasn’t hard to fall into that pattern because he was my husband and I did love him.

Over time I reconnected with my family and started realizing that, realistically, our life together could never work anymore. That’s when I started trying to slowly distance myself and move on. Reading the comments has made me realize that I should have handled that transition more clearly and much sooner.

Because of that, I’ve decided to finally filed the divorce papers. Not just because of the baby situation, but because it’s something that’s honestly been overdue for a long time. I’m still learning and growing from this situation, but I do appreciate people being honest with me.