'AITA if I turn down my ex's settlement offer and force him out of his home?'

"WIBTA if I turned down my ex's settlement offer and forced him out of his home?"

I (F, 32) am divorced from my ex (M, 38). During the divorce process, he agreed to pay me 250K for my share of our house. The court gave him until June of last year to pay me the full amount. He paid me 210K and said he would get me the rest as soon as he was able. (We both put 100k down when we were married to get the house in the first place). He signed a legally binding divorce agreement.

I last spoke to him in December about when I could expect the rest of my money. He told me he didn't know. He did say that he wanted me to come pick up the rest of my stuff I had in the old storage shed. I told I could get it when I got back into town after the holidays and he told me no, get it before Jan 1.

I canceled my trip home to see my family just for him to take a hammer to everything and leave it in the street Christmas morning. That's when I went to my lawyer and filed contempt charges. He was already in violation of the agreement but now I'm suing for interest, legal and damages. His lawyer has approached mine with a settlement offer.

Everything I'm asking for, paid in six months. He will return some things he chose to keep rather than smash. If I decline, he will have 30 days to sell the house. I don't want to make a decision in anger. He loves that house and wants to d*e there.

I don't need to force the timeline for the money but he has dragged this process out for years (being a no show to court, ducking service, refusing to sign the papers, requesting continuances for hearings etc).

Maybe he will pay me in six months and he can still keep the house but part of me wants him to finally suffer the consequences of blowing off his legal responsibilities. I want to decline the offer but I feel like that is coming from a place of hate. If I decline, would I be TA?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

civil_environment858 wrote:

NTA he’s had a lot of chances. There are consequences for actions. Talk to your lawyer about what will happen if the house does not sell. Also, what is the best for your mental health and peace of mind? One last chance? Or you want to be done and move on. A therapist could be helpful here or a neutral friend. Good luck to you.

OP responded:

He could light fire to the house and it would still sell. We lived in one of the top housing markets in the country. Most of my friends picked him in the divorce. I refused to tell anyone why I filed because I didn't want to air dirty laundry. It gave him full control over the narrative so no one wants anything to do with me so I dont really have a neutral sounding board. Hence the post here.

lower_link_6570 wrote:

No, you wouldn’t be TA... but you do need to be brutally honest with yourself about your motivations and your endgame. Wanting someone to face consequences isn’t automatically malicious... it’s often the natural result of being disrespected and screwed over repeatedly.

Your ex has violated a legal agreement, destroyed your property, and dragged this out to the point where it’s cost you time, peace, and family moments.

That’s not just bad behavior... that’s a pattern of contempt. If you feel conflicted, that’s a good sign you’re still grounded. But don’t confuse assertiveness with pettiness. Ask yourself: is declining the offer more about ensuring justice... or about revenge? If it’s about justice, then declining is reasonable.

Actions have consequences, and sometimes people only take accountability when forced. If he truly loved that house, he should have prioritized paying you as agreed. If you’re ready to be done with him and move on with your life...emotionally and legally... take the offer only if it serves your future, not his comfort.

OP responded:

It's hard to tell the difference between wanting revenge and wanting justice if they both kinda come to the same end.

ldyVyder wrote:

It's also a pattern of ab-$e from the ex.

OP responded:

I'll say in his defense, he was never like this while we were together. It's so left field from how he usually is. My mom asked if it was possible he had early onset dementia or something. Idk if that's a possibility, he's blocked me on every thing including his email so my last communication with him was when he threatened to have me arrested for trespassing when I was in the street savaging what I could.

Similar-Cookier-1612 wrote:

No. Damaging/destroying your belongings is a criminal offense. Require also that he replace them. Not pay for, but actually replace them. He has dragged this out hoping you would give in. Then manipulated you to change plans and damaged/destroyed your belongings out of pure spite.

You font have to force him out, but I put the screws to him any way you can at this point. He is already in contempt.

Edit to add: he has shown you hate. You have been restrained in your dealings with him. Making him pay for his treatment of you is not hate. It's consequences.

Leading-knowledge wrote:

NTA. He has a long history of dragging things out, destroyed your possessions after forcing you to cancel your holiday visit to your family, and generally being an ongoing thorn in your side. Given his track record, it’s very likely that he won’t pay in 6 months and won’t return whatever possessions he kept. Decline the offer and get paid.

Somuchmoreeagle wrote:

NTA.

"His lawyer has approached mine with a settlement offer. Everything im asking for, paid in six months. He will return some things he chose to keep rather than smash."

So what are you actually getting from this "settlement" that you weren't already entitled to? He's getting more time (beyond the year he's already had), so what are you getting in exchange for giving him that time and letting him keep the house?

What did your lawyer say? Also, what guarantee are they offering that he will actually fulfill his obligation this time when he hasn't in the past?

"(being a no show to court, ducking service, refusing to sign the papers, requesting continuances for hearings etc)."

He hasn't been acting in good faith this entire time. Then he smashed your stuff as an additional f-you. He's made this process uglier by his own actions. Maybe you've done things that you didn't say here, but he's still responsible for what he's done and hasn't done.

So, no. If you decline, you would not be TA.