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AITA for saying that I would be more devastated if my twin brother died than my fiancé?

AITA for saying that I would be more devastated if my twin brother died than my fiancé?


"AITA for saying that I would be more devastated if my twin brother died than my fiancé?"


There is some backstory that I have to get through. I (24f) have/had two brothers — a twin and an older one (26). We've been really really close since childhood. Brothers doted on me a lot and I clung to them like a little sister.

We were best friends. Then, when we were 12/14 our parents got into an accident and passed away, and we were sent to live with our Aunt/Uncle. We could tell that they didn’t really want us, but since we don’t really have any other family, they took us in so we wouldn’t be in the system.

So we spent most of our teenage years being ignored, and relied on each other for emotional support. As the years went on, things became a little more manageable. We were able to function more.

We were still close, but life started happening. We got jobs and all went to college, and that’s where I met my fiancé. When it came time to introduce my then boyfriend to my brothers, they all got along well. And now that we’re (were) engaged and living together, things were still going well.

But then, a few months ago, my older brother got in an accident. A drunk driver. A few days after it happened, I just wanted to be by my twin. I couldn’t stop crying. I was paranoid that something might happen to him too.

Whenever I’d come home I noticed my fiancé growing distant from me. He was there when I would need to talk to him, but he wasn’t the same. I tried to asked him, but he would just dismiss it, and I barely had energy to even get through the day at that point.

Things we're just starting to calm down. Then, a few days ago, after coming home from lunch with my brother, he snapped on me. He told me that I’m acting like I don't care about him anymore.

He said that I care more about my brother than our relationship. I don't see that. I’m there with him every night. We live together. I make sure some kind of dinner is made when he comes home from work every night.

He asked me, “why couldn’t you cry to me instead?” Or “Why couldn’t you ask how I was doing?” I thought that since that was OUR older brother, my twin could truly understand some things he couldn't and I didn't want to burden him too much.

We both said some hurtful things, and out of nowhere he asks if I would feel the same way if something bad happened to him. In the heat of the moment I said, “I would be devastated, but not as much as if my twin died!”

His face went white. I regretted saying it, but things were so heated, and I felt like he wasn't even trying to understand me. Why would he even ask me a question like that? That was our older brother who died. I can’t fathom handling any more of my family dying.

I said something horrible, but why did he have to become so cold? It's been about two days since this happened, and after getting some outside perspective, I wanted to see if maybe we could at least talk it out.

Regardless of how I'm feeling, but all he can focus on is what I said. And to be honest, considering some of the hurtful things he said to me, I can't say anymore that I regret saying it.

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to OP's post:


"look at me look at me it all has to be about me. Why can't you cry to me instead!!" Your fiance has some serious issues, and this should be a red flag for you that he can't empathise with you and expects to be the centre of your world. He's not taking the reality hit well. NTA for bursting his bubble. How he handles that will tell you what you need to know.

The OP responded here:


He hasn’t handled it well. I tried to bring it up with him yesterday. I told him before he went to work that I appreciated him and was looking forward to him coming home. I wanted to have a heart to heart. But he just grumbled and walked out the door.

Then he was upset when I made soup and brought some over for twin and spent the day with him. I made a whole pot, so we could have some when he came home. He didn’t want to eat dinner with me. I get he might still be hurt but I don’t know what else to do. My love for him has plummeted.


Understandable. As I say, it's about empathy, and he is lacking it. He isn't seeing how things are affecting you, and isn't taking it well that he is not the centre of your universe. He sounds immature and inexperienced when it comes to relationships.

You usually see this sort of thing when a young person becomes a step-parent and is amazed that their partner prioritises the kids over the partner, but it's the same thing. He lacks the security to know his own importance to you without being the centre of everything.


A soft ESH. Think about this from your fiancé’s perspective. You had a terrible experience, and he wants to comfort and be there for you, but you shut him out and treat him like a chore to be maintained. Live with him so you sleep there at night, and have dinner on the table, yes, these are good things, but you’re shutting him out.

You say it’s for fear of being a burden, but that’s what partners are for, to share the good and the bad. That he pressed you so hard until you both snapped isn’t a good thing, either. Unless this is typical for him, though, I can believe it’s the fear that he’s losing you, or that he just wasn’t that important to you in the first place and now it shows when you’re under stress.

I think you both could use some therapy: you to help with your loss, and both of you together to learn to communicate better with each other, especially when in stressful situations.

The OP again responded here:


So, to give some context, it isn’t so much that I instantly shut him out. Did I shut him out? Yes. But when this all happened, when he was there when I got the phone call, he kinda went into shock, and just started saying things like “it’s okay”, and “he was a great guy”. The same crud I’d heard when my parents died, a broken record, and it wasn’t helpful at all.

When I told him it wasn’t helpful, he kinda just threw his hands up in the air. I needed more than just a shoulder to cry on. I needed someone who truly understood — my twin. I needed familiarity. Someone who reminded me of the good memories and of older brother, because twin looks so much like him it hurts.

Fiancé shut down, and so I kinda did too, and it wasn’t the right thing to do, but I couldn’t put energy into it then. I was desperate for comfort from my last living family member.

The fact that he can’t understand that at all is what really hurting me, and I guess I do feel bitter at the fact that now I have to consider his feelings about how I was grieving, when I was just trying to get through the day AND still, in some way be there for him.

Counseling … may be good. But we are not in a good place, and I don’t feel the same warmth toward him that I used to. I appreciate your perspective, though.


NTA. You’re grieving. You’ve had a lot of loss in your life, which I can sympathize with 100%. Did you say some pretty harsh stuff in the heat of a grief-filled moment? Sure. But an understanding parter would likely realize that once the heat of the argument went down.

Most partners like to be that shoulder to cry on. It’s likely he’s also mourning your brother as well and needs you for support. You did say that they got along well. I think you both need to take a few days, calm down, collect your thoughts, and talk.

Communicate. Tell him what you wrote here saying that given your family’s history, you’re feeling extra vulnerable toward your twin. But listen to him as well. I really feel like from what you wrote, he really needs your support like you’re needing from your twin.

So, do you think the OP is in the wrong here? Did they take it too far or is their fiancé not being understanding? If you could give them any advice, what would you tell them?

Sources: Reddit
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