'AITA for insisting my 1-year-old twin nieces are not invited to my child-free wedding?' UPDATED

"AITA for insisting my 12 month old twin nieces are not invited to my child-free wedding?"

Here goes nothing… I (32F) and my Future husband (34M) are getting married in four months. My Sister in Law, Amy has twin girls that will be 12 months old and a 6 year old Son.

Prior to the Twins being born I had a conversation with Amy, where she said to me she was looking forward to knowing at the 12 month mark there would be a child free evening where she could let loose and she didn’t want her kids there.

I said that we would love to have her 6-year-old as the flower boy and we agreed that he would be part of the ceremony and then be driven the short distance home to join his sisters with a baby sitter during the reception.

Fast forward to now. Amy is shopping for dresses for the twins for the wedding day. I was confused to hear about it and asked why. Amy seems to have forgotten our conversation and wants her twins at the wedding. I’ve been gentle but I have said that it was only the 6-year-old that was planned to be there and I wasn’t too keen on the younger kids being there.

Mother in Law and Sister in Law are upset with my future husband and I about this decision. MIL has pushed for the “whole family” to be in the photographers family portraits on the day as the “whole family” will be together and dressed nice.

Sister in Law has said “your family deserves to be at your wedding” and has also said she doesn’t want the six-year-old to be attending events without the twins because he has had trouble adjusting to them and is always asking to leave them behind- SIL doesn’t want to encourage that behaviour by having him attend anything without them. And so she has said that either all her kids come or none will.

This conversation was tense and I am very conflict avoidant. I left it there, unresolved. Future husband doesn’t want the Twins there as they do summon a considerable amount of attention and he wants people focused on us.

I don’t really care if they are there or not, but I do feel like I’ve been dismissed by SIL and MIL and they’ve tried to change plans without letting me know and then tried to guilt trip me when I called it out, now it kind of feels like an ultimatum is being set and the whole attitude around it has me wanting to put my foot down and push back.

FH and I have offered up some compromises. We are having a gathering with all the same people the night before the wedding and all their side of the family will be around for the morning after the wedding, we the twins would be so welcome there and we would be able to get some great photos and have time together but we would still have our wedding be childfree (with exception of flower boy).

But this was completely dismissed. I just want to know if I’m over reacting by saying they can’t attend. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

volcanic-exchange said:

I would compromise and agree that "OK. No kids whatsoever then" and go without a "flower boy." I almost feel like a 6yo little boy would be just as much of a loud distraction as two 1yos and your entire wedding is child free anyways so it would be odd that one single small child is the exception to that. Just avoid the whole thing and leave all the kids out of it.

OP responded:

Yes I feel like that’s a great option. Totally unfair on the 6-year-old though, as he’s been told all about it and is so excited. I don’t want to do that to the poor kid.

Abalone1991 said:

It's your (and your future husbands) big day. You are likely spending a bit of money and expecting to only do it once. You two get to have it your way. I'd gently remind her of your earlier conversation. NTA.

[deleted] said:

You're not overreacting. This is YOUR day. You and her agreed they wouldn't be there and she conveniently "forgot." Don't let yourself be manipulated. If she can't be straight with you, then she REALLY doesn't deserve any grace.

Your wedding is not family picture time. Are you obligated to invite the ENTIRE family? Or is MIL just pitching a fit about the twins? Don't let them co-opt your day and photographer THAT YOURE PAYING FOR. If they want a family portrait they can go to a studio and get one done.

Waybackheartmom said:

You can do whatever you want. But nobody is required to be happy about it. You can say no and they can refuse to attend your wedding if they wish.

One month later, she shared this update:

So, FH and I were invited to the twins first birthday was this week. As much as I knew this was NOT the right time or place to have a discussion about a tense topic involving the exclusion of these two babies, it came up.

Context: one week ago, FH spoke to his BIL (father of the twins) and again said that the babies were not invited to the wedding. I wasn't there and don't have further context on how this came up or how the conversation was handled/received.

When we were around the dinner table for the birthday get together, FH left the room for one minute. That was the moment SIL said to me, "I'd like to check with you about what FH said about the wedding, He said the babies weren't invited to the ceremony or reception... So... is that right?"

I said "Yeah, that's our plan". (This is not news to her, see last post, this has been my stance since before these kids were born).

I excused myself shortly after and made myself busy in another room. FH sat at the table and apparently laid down the law with his family over this and some other issues. We left shortly after but before we went SIL said to me "I respect that this is what you want but I am really upset."

Part of me feels so guilty that I've upset her. Part of me is annoyed and perplexed by her apparent shock at this information... as if we didn't have this conversation a month ago.