'AITA if I’m unable to find time for my long distance friends when they visit?'

"AITA if I’m unable to find time for my long distance friends when they visit?"

My best friend (M31) moved to Florida a few years ago so we don’t really see each other much in person. He’s married now, recently had a kid, but we do talk most days and play video games online together here and there. I (30M) understand the frustration of not being able to hang out in person but we’re in our early thirties now and there’s a lot going on.

I own a retail store and it’s very busy during the holidays, and Xmas and new years are the two busiest times of the year and he was flying down with his wife and 6-month-old baby between 12/20-12/26 and told me this a few days before they flew down.

12/20 (Saturday) is my girlfriend's birthday and she and I had planned to be together and go to a winter wonderlands light show together since Thanksgiving and overall just be together that weekend.

I offered my friend to join us at winter wonderland around 5 pm. They said they couldn’t to that, so then said we could probably meet around 730-8pm. He said his baby had to be in bed by 8 pm so they couldn’t. Today I gave times and dates I could meet up in between or after work but the schedules just didn’t align.

I have to give my employees a day off which is today (Monday 12/22) meaning I work all day until 7pm alone. I’m able to meet later at night for dinner or just to meet, but it doesn’t work for them as the baby needs to be in bed by 8pm, and the times I offered such as Tuesday (12/23) they’re unable to do since they had prior plans.

So because of this they’re upset with me since I can’t meet up, but I’ve given up to 4 separate instances where I’m available, it’s just that those times don’t work for them but they’re still upset with me I’m trying to make it work but this always happens whenever a plan is being made to meet up.

The schedules don’t add up and then I get blamed for it and it sounds like they’re making me out to be a bad friend and it makes me feel bad, but I am genuinely trying, it’s just over the holidays it’s really tough with work and I had already had pre planned things with my girlfriend the weekend they flew in.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Zahrad70 wrote:

NAH. Life gets in the way. Planning is the key, and making time for friends is hard. “I have kids.” “I have a business to run.” Both valid, both are higher priorities than the friendship. That’s no one’s fault, really.

But maybe a frank conversation about it would help make everyone see that “I’m in town and would love to meet up,” does not mean the other person is a bad friend when the answer is “can’t make it work at that time,” any more than refusing to travel or accept houseguests while the kids are in school would make them the bad guys.

OP responded:

The thing is is that they will never see it like that. This is how he’s always been and I tried explaining it like this in the text messages (in my other post on my profile) and he was laughing at my texts.

technical-neck4707 wrote:

NTA. Don’t let them guilt trip you. Turn it around on them and ask them why they only told you they were coming on the 20th. Ask why they didn’t plan time for you in advance if they wanted to see you.

You see, you aren’t a bad friend for trying. You gave them plenty of alternatives, but they chose not to make them work. They could leave kiddo with family or a sitter for a few hours. Having kids makes people more inflexible, but they should understand that by now. This can hardly be a surprise for them.

OP responded:

I would like to say that, but I fear that will only lead to more issues. This friend isn’t really the one to apologize for anything as that hasn’t been the case in 15 years.

Fit-Contribution821 wrote:

I don't see anything wrong with what you've suggested. They gave you late notice that they'll be visiting, and you already had prior plans. You tried to suggest alternatives, but as you mentioned, it just doesn't align. They have a baby, so that's understandable that they can't be out late, but you have your store and you can only be out later. NTA.

OP responded:

That’s how I feel, but they don’t see it that way and believe I’m just not making an effort and that other friends and relationships they have make it work and I don’t.

wildernerd_ wrote:

NTA, they knew before a couple day of arriving they were coming so they could have told you in advance if they really wanted this to work. They want you to sacrifice your job for them when they couldn’t give you enough advance notice. Sadly you can’t see them this holiday and that will just have to be fine.

OP responded:

It’s just that no matter when they told me, this time frame would have been tough due to work obligations. I didn’t know they couldn’t be out past 8pm either until they’ve just told me now.

DinaFelice wrote:

"Listen, I understand that things are tough with a new baby, but if you really want a trip where we can prioritize hanging out together, you really need to include me in the planning stages before you pick your travel dates. I would love to hang out in person, but that's always going to be tough if you pick days when I already have a lot of obligations."

NTA. Sometimes plans don't work out, especially when new babies and retail work (or other professions that have "opposite" schedules) are involved. It would be nobody's fault, except that they are AH-ishly putting the blame on you. On a more practical note: We have had a lot of babies in my family in the past few years, with all kinds of restrictions due to their sleep/eating schedules.

There are numerous ways around this, including the parents taking shifts, hanging out in hallways (at the edge of the baby monitor's range), bringing the baby's travel crib to other people's houses, etc.

I'm not saying it's easy or that it is the same as before the baby comes along, but it is possible. Plus, even if you have to skip a few get togethers now, in a year or two, the baby is old enough to really show their own personality, and that's amazing to watch.

OP responded:

I’ve tried to explain that, but I’m just met with “everyone has relationships and work obligations and can make it work, I don’t have this problem with any other friends - only you.”

mercersher wrote:

NTA. You’ve given several times and they don’t line up. Sometimes, that’s just how it happens.

OP responded:

I agree but then they’re just getting upset with me and I’m not sure what to do.

dull_weakness1658 wrote:

I don’t understand how your friend cannot meet you alone after baby is in bed. Wife can surely be left alone with the kid for 2-3 hours? Or is she your best friend too?

OP responded:

She also wants to see me.