'I am very unattractive and have made peace with being alone. My friends won't give up on trying to set me up with someone. AITA? UPDATED 2X
"I [M35] am very unattractive and have made peace with being alone. My friends [FM30s] won't give up on trying to set me up with someone. What do I do?"
Hey everybody. I am hoping to get some advice on my current predicament between myself and my friends Sam and Sarah. You see I am very unattractive. I don't mean that as a put down on myself but an objective fact about my appearance.
I have a very naturally unappealing face with several body scars that make me difficult to look at for some people. I've had most of these scars most of my life and of course I was born with my face so I've never been much to look at.
I have tried to compensate in other aspects of life. I have a decent job, I'm tall, and I'm in very good shape. I go to the gym and eat well. Sadly this is far from enough to make up for how I look.
I have had very few relationships and only one sexual partner (though I'd prefer it had never happened after the fact) though I certainly tried. Put myself out there for years and was rejected by dozens of women before meeting one that I thought would be able to look past my appearance.
I lost my virginity to her and everything, but after a month she came to my place crying and saying though she found me attractive as a person she couldn't get over my appearance and had felt terrible.
She confessed sex with me was extremely difficult the two times we did it due to how I looked. I told her I understood and we went our separate ways. I'd have been happier if we'd been friends and never dated if I'm being honest.
That was several years ago and I swore off romantic love and sex since it was just hurting me. Life has been pretty good since I gave up. Wish I wasn't what I am so I could find love, but I get it. I made some great friends Sam and Sarah. Been friends with them for a few years now and we get along great.
The only issue is that they are in relationships and have this fantasy about going on triple dates with me included. Problem is of course I don't date and so they have been trying to play matchmaker.
There have been probably 7 or 8 attempts now to get me with some friend or acquaintance of theirs ranging from being blindsided with a "date" when I thought I'd just be there with them or inviting girls to parties and trying to get us together all night.
I hate it. I feel bad for these girls because obviously they weren't told about this either and now they have to play nice with the weird ugly guy their friends dumped them on. Not only that but there is this look in their eyes that I'm sadly used to now.
It's a combination of sadness and fear that overcomes them when we make eye contact. I can feel them looking at every mark on my face getting more and more grossed out and uncomfortable. Of course they're scared.
This 6 foot 6 man who looks like frankenstein's monster has become your "date" for the night. I'd be scared too. I tell them every time not to set me up as I don't want to date, but they get so excited to finally find "the one" for me that they do it anyway.
So backstory aside I keep telling Sam and Sarah to stop setting me up. And last week they came over to hang out and Sarah kept mentioning this friend of hers from work and starts showing me pictures.
I see where this is all going and when I find out they invited her to Sam's party in a few weeks. I say cool I look forward to meeting her but this isn't a date and I won't be letting them push me onto the poor girl. She's cute and from what they tell me I'm sure we'd get along great if I were normal, but that just isn't the case.
Sarah begins to get upset at me and asks me why I won't just give her a shot so I asked if this girl had even seen a picture of me or heard about me. She admitted that she had not and hadn't planned on showing her my pic or even telling her about me until the night of the party.
I'll admit I snapped and told both of them to stop playing matchmaker. I was sick of it and showed them texts from two of the girls they victimized. They were kind enough to tell me they liked me but weren't physically attracted to me.
Showed the texts and Sarah and Sam made an excuse and left. Haven't heard from them in a week. How can I fix this? I've made my peace with the fact that I will never know romantic love. But I need friends.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in resposen to the OP's initial post:
It isn’t on you to fix this. You made your feelings about being set up with women clear and your friends ignored you time and again to set you up/ mention women to you. I’m sure in their minds they had good intentions but I’m the reality is they were stomping all over your boundaries.
You have to ask yourself if these are the type of friends that it is worth keeping. I hope they come to their senses and reach out to you to apologise. If they do make sure you reinforce your boundary moving forward. I hope things work out for you.
You just broke my heart. You sound like such an amazing man and I could understand why Sam & Sarah are trying to set you up with someone. However, they're dismissing your wishes and crossing boundaries. I know they're your friends, but they're behaving like 17 year old high school girls.
They haven't stopped to think about how uncomfortable this makes you feel and even as you repeatedly tell them, it falls on deaf ears. If you attend the party, go late so that you can leave as soon as the high school behavior kicks in. I wish you well.
Let me start out by saying I know the look you talk about, I feel your pain. I think you did everything right here, you've established a boundary and they keep crossing it. They owe you an apology, even outside of your situation trying to set a woman up with a guy when she doesn't know that's happening is a recipe for disaster.
Four days later, the OP returned with an update.
Hey everyone I figured since posting here the other day ended up being an overall cathartic experience and since I have a very happy update I'm back to share.
After spending hours reading and responding to users both in thread and in DMs I decided to reach out to Sam and Sarah and try to set things right. We met up to talk and to keep it short Sam and Sarah hadn't reached out because they felt terrible after realizing their mistakes.
They were very apologetic and I promised that as long as they stopped trying to set me up and forgave me for snapping at them then we were cool with each other. Looks like communication saves the day again.
So after our talk they asked if I wanted to come over and play some games and have a few drinks with them and some of their work friends. Sarah admitted the girl (Laura) that they wanted to set me up with would be there but that they hadn't said anything to her about me and there would be no pressure or matchmaking going on. So I agreed to go.
So last night I came over for drinks and games. I met Laura (without some stupid blind date pretext) and she's a lovely person. We have several interests in common and she and I have very similar jobs within different companies so we have a lot to talk about. Its great. They didn't meddle and I got a new friend. Easy peasy.
Heck we get along so great she's inviting me over to her place tonight to watch some movies we both learned were some of our favorites. Then some pizza and complaining about working in IT. So my social life is alive and well it seems.
That's about it as far as my update is concerned. Sam Sarah and I are cool. I made a new friend and I got to talk to so many wonderful people on Reddit. I want to thank all of you for taking the time to read my post and give me your opinions and advice. There are some really great folks in this community. Heck I'm still receiving a few messages a day of kindness from you awesome people.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
She invited you over for pizza and a movie at her place, I think you have more of a shot than you realize.
Even if this girl isn't interested i think this will help you relax and put less pressure on yourself about your looks. Maybe you aren't the most attractive guy but you seem like an interesting, intelligent person so just be happy with yourself for your good qualities.
I just wanna throw it out there, I don’t know what you look like and also could not really care less because I’ve met some ugly people in my life (and I am 300lbs) just don’t knock yourself down a few notches. I don’t give a shit what u look like, you’ve got a good job, you’re safe around women, you’re in shape and care about your well-being.
You maintain communication and friendships, you have boundaries and realistic expectations, you’re respectful. The way you look is the LEAST interesting part of you. Somebody is out there for you, and will also recognize, that your face is the last interesting part of you.
Two and a half years later, the OP returned with a second update.
A few years ago I came to the internet to ask about an issue I was having with my friends trying to set me up on blind dates. I have linked those posts above for context. I am physically very unattractive due to various circumstances in my life leaving me scarred which causes issues in blind dating as you might guess.
I then updated it after we had resolved the issue. The woman they were going to try and set me up with before our argument (Laura) ended up being really cool and without the pressure of it being a blind date and just us hanging out with a larger group we clicked and were fast friends.
We hung out the night after at her place to watch movies and eat pizza. It was great. We started hanging out more and more as time went on and eventually she asked me out. I was terrified initially but decided to go for it.
She's not bothered by my scars. She looks at me with kindness and warmth that is indescribably wonderful to me. Laura and I are still together. We got a place together not too long ago and I intend to propose to her early next year.
Sam, Sarah, and I are all still great friends. We now go on those triple dates they always wanted. We even did our first friendsgiving with them, their SOs, and the kids. Laura loves getting to cook for a house full of guests and we intend to try and host more group meals now that we have a place with space for it.
It wasn't easy, but with a growing support network in Laura and my friends I was able to finally get some more help for my mental health to work on my insecurities and trauma. Been going for over a year now and progress is slow but steady. Laura has been my rock. I love her more than I ever hated myself so it's been easier than I expected to keep going to therapy appointments.
So that's about it. I was in a very dark place and some kindness from internet strangers helped me through a rough patch so I wanted to repay them by at least posted an update. Even if most of those people have since moved on.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's second update:
This is such a sweet and heartwarming update! OP, I’m so happy for you and Laura and I’m glad you’re getting help to work through your insecurities. I’m glad you decided to take another shot at love, especially since the pressure of finding it through blind dates was taken off. May you have a great long life surrounded by love and support. Thanks for updating us!
I'm so happy for the OP. It sounds cliche that the last person they were going to set him up with when he tried to stop it is the person it worked it out with. We also may never know if she would have been turned off if there was more pressure. That said, all is well that ends well. The OP deserves to heal and have a better life then what he has gone though.
“I love her more than I ever hated myself” both broke my heart and healed it. Damn.
Aww, I remember this post, and remember feeling so sorry for the guy. I'm so glad he seems to have found someone who loves him the way he is, and that he's working on his own issues as well.