Uncle disapproves of niece's engagement to a man 'literally double' her age. AITA? UPDATED 2X

"AITA for how I reacted when my niece announced she was engaged?"

I (33m) have a pretty big age difference with my brother (44m). He had a child at 25, which means that I became an uncle at 14. Because we were pretty close in age, I formed a special bond with my niece, Ella (now 18f). When she was 16, my brother and his family moved away so I've been seeing them less recently, but we keep in touch and catch up at family events.

Last year, at Christmas, my niece told me that she had a boyfriend and told me a bit about him, but I didn't know the guy. He was invited for Easter and a couple of other events, but was never able to make it. When we were planning our mother's birthday, my brother decided to invite Ella's boyfriend so that we could all meet him.

Yesterday was the birthday. I was looking forward to meeting Mark (Ella's boyfriend), but was very confused when I saw her walk in with a man that looked double her age (spoiler alert: he is). She introduced him to me, and I politely smiled but was deep down very concerned.

I went to my brother to ask how old Mark was and he told me that Mark is 36, so literally double Ella's age. She had told me that he was "a bit older" but I assumed like early to mid twenties, not almost 40. That's when they called us in the living room to share "exciting news." Ella showed us a ring and revealed that they were engaged.

I just said "what the f" and everyone turned around and looked at me like I was crazy. I told them that they were out of their minds if they thought this was normal, that there was no world in which a 30 something should date an 18 yo, and that she shouldn't be getting married.

All of them accused me of ruining Ella's happiness. Some even said that I was jealous of Mark, which is so disgusting I can't even explain it. I mean, I'm younger than Mark, but never in a million years would I ever consider dating someone younger than 25.

They told me that it was perfectly legal as they were both adults, which isn't true because they've been dating for a year and Ella turned 18 7 months ago, and that if they were happy that's all that matters.

I told them that they were sick for allowing this and that he was a predator, but they wouldn't listen. I know this isn't my business, but I can't help but fear for Ella. She is young and doesn't really know what she's getting into. I'm really scared of her getting married and being unable to leave him when she realizes how sick it was.

I then left and slammed the door, and have been receiving pretty wild messages and calls since then. I don't know if I was wrong for this and am just overreacting, and if I wasn't wrong I don't know what I can do to make them realize how wrong it is. AITA?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

xzealrisenx said:

NTA but damn that's a tough situation. Its a valid concern considering the age gap I can see why you reacted like that. Just be there for Ella if things go south.

Danube_Kitty said:

NTA. Was your reaction the best? No. But, maybe that will be reason for your niece to really think about her relationship. Categorical "what the f? He is an predator!" has more chance to make her stop than polite conversation about your concerns. And legality of their relationship that has started 2 years ago is at least debatable.

AgonistPhD said:

NTA. Someone needed to say it. The f is wrong with her parents that they didn't?!

Luisguirot said:

NTA. He’s a predator and she’s an idiot. You said what needed to be said.

United_Fig_6519 said:

NTA, you gave your opinion. I would just leave it at that. Just do not engage further and make her understand that you still love her as niece and will be there if she needs you but you going low contact with everyone since they are all ganging up on you showing your opinion. (Also block everyone who is harassing you and tell them you with get restraining order if it does not stop).

Charming-Problem-478 said:

I was Ella. I wish I'd had an uncle like you to explain to me why it was such a bad idea. But in the end you can't make her decisions for her. NTA.

UPDATE:

So I've taken the past 24h to really reflect on all of this, I tried to take in most of the advice in the comments, and here's what I have decided. I don't think that me telling her and everyone that the relationship is weird was wrong, I do however think that I did it wrong and it was pretty harsh because it was in the heat of the moment. But I still find this very creepy and don't think she should get married.

What I've decided to do is: Apologize to her. I sent her a text saying I was sorry for my outburst and that I should've thought it through beforehand. I told her that I never wanted to make her feel like I didn't want her to be happy, and that I loved her very much and had her best interests in mind. Ask her if we could talk about this.

I asked if she would be okay and free to hang out and maybe get coffee this week to talk about all of this with a clear head. I really want to try and get her to see why it's weird and that maybe marrying him is not a great choice.

Explain myself to my brother. I sent him a text saying that I was sorry for the way I said it, but that I still thought that it needed to be said. I explained to him why I think Mark is a predator and this relationship could have a very negative and damaging impact on Ella.

I'm still waiting on their replies. I'll update when they reply, or when I see Ella (if she accepts), depending on how long it would take. In the meantime, I really want to thank everyone who gave me advice and was constructive, and really tried to help my niece out of this situation.

I also send my best to all of the people in the comments sharing similar stories when they were the teenager getting groomed. I'm so sorry this happened to you and I really hope you're doing better now.

Here's what top commenters had to say about the update:

Outrageous-Ad-9069 said:

I was the stupid 18 year-old with a 32 year-old. It turned out poorly. But at the time I thought he was the love of my life and nobody could have told me otherwise. The apology good. Just let her know that you love her and will be there for her.

Be nice to him, if you can stomach it, so she never has to choose between you. Maybe she’ll get lucky and it will be happily ever after. But if it isn’t, she may need a support system.

Celtic-Brit said:

She may have chosen to date someone older because she has a great relationship with you, and she felt like dating someone older would be even better. She may not get the same feeling of comfort with boys her own age.

I am in no way trying to put the blame on you but possibly trying to explain her thought process. I would explain your reasons without being judgemental or emotional. Tell her that no matter what she decides, you will always be there for her.

Affectionate_Pin8752 said:

You could also float out a “I know it’s not my place” or a “I promise I’m coming into this with an open mind” just as a peace offering so they don’t feel so defensive going into the chat

chez2202 said:

I am almost 12 years younger than my partner of 29 years. My sister (2 years older than me) has the same age gap with her partner of 30 years. My partner’s parents had a 13 year age gap and were married for 59 years until his father died. Age gap relationships can work. But everyone I have listed was over the age of 20 when the relationships began. My MIL was 25 when she had her first child. I was 30.

You should speak to your brother and SIL and ask them why they support this relationship considering that it began when their child was 17. They might tell you that they felt the same way at the start and it would be very strange if they didn’t. When you have their answers you can make your own mind up about what to do going forward.

abm120881 said:

YOU BETTER NOT APOLOGIZE TO HIM!! F that guy

SECOND UPDATE:

So, following my text (see last post), Ella replied and told me she agreed to meet with me and talk. I just came back from seeing her. Here's how it went. She asked me what I wanted to tell her and I started explaining that I didn't think her relationship was very healthy, and that no older guy should want to date a teenager.

I told her that she was an incredible woman so I wasn't saying it was weird that someone would want to marry her, but that guys my age normally shouldn't even look at a teenager. She wasn't convinced and said that sometimes it's true but sometimes it's okay.

I asked her how she would feel if I told her that someone born today could be her future partner, and she said it felt really weird. I also asked her if she would consider dating someone younger than 15, and she said no.

I could see her starting to realize that Mark maybe didnt have the best intentions. I also asked her if she knew about his previous relationship, and she said "vaguely" and just told me the girl's name. I asked her if she knew how old the girl was and she said she was 21.

I also asked her if she knew that their relationships overlapped and she said that Mark always told her he was single since they met, but she kind of felt like that wasn't true. I told her that since his previous girlfriend was also significantly younger it seemed like he had a thing for younger girls, which is kind of weird.

After discussing that, she told me a bit more about her relationship. She told me she was starting to feel weird about it because of Mark's recent behavior. I asked what she meant and she said that he had been flirting with a lot of girls, who were all also younger, including some of Ella's friends.

When she confronted him he sort of gaslit her into thinking it wasn't flirting. He was also making a lot of comments about having children with Ella and how cute it would be to see her raise them. She told me she was absolutely not ready for that and also wanted to go to college and work and not be a SAHM. Because of all of that she was doubting her relationship and I told her that I understood.

She said she was scared of breaking up with him because he had become her whole life recently and she didn't know what she would do without him. I told her that she was surrounded by people who loved her and would be there for her, and that she was a lot more than just Mark's girlfriend.

I said that she knew my opinion on it, but that ultimately the choice was hers, and that I just wanted her to be happy. I also said I would be there for her no matter what.

She told me that she will try to break up with him this week, and she'll let me know how it goes. I'll edit this post if I have more info. Also, again, thank you to everyone who gave advice and tried to help us. I really appreciate it.

Here's what top commenters had to say after the second update:

eratoesben said:

Sometimes it only takes one person to break through and be the voice of reason. So glad your niece has you and that you are looking out for her no matter what. More people like you please!

Sweet_Pay1971 said:

Your brother is crazy and delusional.

Technical-Habit-5114 said:

NTA and thank you for being the voice of reason to a very young girl whose brain is not even fully developed and cannot see the ramifications of her choices. My mother approved of me dating a married man when i was 17. He was my US Army Recruiter. She approved. This was so incredibly wrong. Thank you.

strywever said:

You’re being a very good uncle.

Acceptable-Tell6967 said:

I love that you were both so calm during the discussion and you gave her actual examples and gave her ways to imagine it from his pov and as soon as she got grossed out, she realized and I’m so proud of someone I don’t even now. I hope all goes well for your niece!

LakeGlen4287 said:

This talk was so well done, you handled it perfectly. It makes sense that she was actually quite hesitant to even be getting married, because of the age difference she sees him as a controlling force in her life right now. That imbalance of knowledge and power is already evident. Very scary but I'm so glad she sees it now.