Man questions relationship after fiancée travels alone with male best friend before wedding. AITA? + UPDATE
"AITA for being uncomfortable with my fiancée (F21) going on a trip with her (29M) best friend?"
My fiancée (F21), who I am marrying in three months is currently on a trip with her best friend (M29), and I am stuck alone at home just thinking non stop about it. To preface, we have been in a bit of a rough patch over the holidays.
During Thanksgiving, I looked over my fiancée's shoulder to see that she was texting her guy best friend about our love life. When I brought it up, it was in a half joking manner, but it got across I was uncomfortable with it.
She shut down on me. I felt pretty abandoned in that moment, as she instantly went to that guy best friend to talk about it, as I once again saw her texting from over her shoulder.
Starting it off with "Apparently OP is pissed about us talking about sex". About 20 minutes of laying in bed not talking to eachother, we talked it over and she said she wouldn't do it again now that she knew I was uncomfortable with it.
In September, she had discussed going on a trip to Vegas as a couple's trip with her, me, her guy best friend, and his girlfriend (F28). I was fine with this, and was excited to go. I took the appropriate days off work, and was looking forward to it.
Later on she said that plane ticket prices were up more than she could afford (she works in aviation so she's more knowledgeable than me about this kinda stuff), and the trip would just be her and her guy friend. This was before the incident on Thanksgiving, so I saw no issue.
Fast forward to this past week, I had told her that just her and him going on the trip would make me uncomfortable. She said she wouldn't go if I was uncomfortable with it, but they had gotten a room with two seperate beds and had set ground rules.
I didn't want to be controlling, so I said they should still go on the trip, because I didn't want my insecurity to ruin their good time. Now that they just got there today, the reality of the situation set in for me.
I told my family about it because they could tell I was upset, and they all said they wouldn't be comfortable if they were in my situation. I know that them going on the trip was partially my doing, given I gave the okay.
I just feel like telling her that she can't do it again when she gets back, cause I know if the shoe was on the other foot, and I went on a trip alone with a female, she would be super upset.
Not sure what to do, as I am considering postponing the wedding because of this. My family told me to make a Reddit post to get some insight, so here I am. Thanks for reading.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
NTA. You should not be marrying anyone who would plan a "couples" trip and then cut out the SOs so that they can go alone together to Vegas. A woman who loved her fiance would not do that. She has an inappropriate relationship with this guy. She has no business talking to him about your sex life. She sounds immature and definitely not ready for marriage.
NTA. Yikes. Yeah, this is NOT appropriate. I can’t imagine anyone who would be comfortable with this. I have to wonder what his girlfriend thinks about it. Why is she talking about her sex like to a male friend? This whole thing is a giant red flag.
If she could only get 2 tickets to Vegas... dude why are not IN Vegas with her??? Sit now and think about it. This will be your life. She will always put male bestie above you. Is that how you want to live life with her? If the answer is no, then time to not only postpone the wedding but completely break up and you still wouldn't be TA for doing so.
Two months later, the OP returned with an update.
Something happened recently that opened my eyes. I'd like to start off by saying I appreciate every comment I got on the last post. I really appreciate the insight, and it helped me realize that I was in a toxic relationship.
I didn't feel like I could tell her my real feelings, out of fear it would upset her. When I would upset her, she would often melt down completely, and throw a pity party. These guilt trips would influence me to do things for her to make her happy.
I definitely had a role in that, and it goes back to how I was treated as a child, and how I developed people pleasing behavior as a coping mechanism, but there was a lot in that relationship that I shouldn't have been putting up with in the first place.
She would get weird if I had any female friends, or even if I was just hanging out with my best friend and his girlfriend, which is ironic given the circumstances. Looking back, there were very obvious signs she didn't care about me anymore.
She would constantly show me TikToks as opposed to actually spending quality time with me, and when she wasn't showing me TikToks, she was texting the other guy while in my bed with me.
She texted and called me a day before my birthday, and told me amongst other things, that we shouldn't get back together (we weren't going to anyways), and that the guy she went on the trip with and his girlfriend had broken up.
I didn't really care about all this, and it just made me angry. I was upset that even after a month of not speaking, she has the audacity to not consider my feelings as a priority whatsoever.
She never even apologized once. I made my feelings known to her. She of course got defensive, saying she didn't like my passive aggression, and that her autism made her not understand social cues.
All in all, this confirmed to me that I had made the right decision. She had asked me to take the original post down, as I had told her about it's existence in a moment of anger.
The post is still up haha. I would like to say, to anyone in a toxic relationship, you are worth more than what they are giving you. You are worth more than the bare minimum consideration.
You deserve to surround yourself with people that make you happy and encourage you to grow as a person, not someone that drains your energy and only seems to take. You aren't responsible for how anyone else feels. I love you all, and I'm ready to start this new chapter of my life.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
I understand Autism and not understanding social cues. She's straight up manipulating or attempting to manipulate to get what she wants. I'll bet that trip with the guy friend was to break everyone up to get her and him together. Good riddance to her.
krispykre (OP)
I really tried to be understanding and patient with her. Just seemed like it was used more as an excuse.
Flights were too expensive for her to go to vegas so the partners didn't go and she just booked for herself and the friend? Why wasn't the offer even made for OP to buy his own ticket?
It's amazing how some people think they can just leave their partners at home while they go on adventures with their besties. I mean, did she think you'd be there waiting with popcorn and a ‘Welcome Back’ banner?
Sounds like you’re finally freeing yourself from a toxic cycle. Good for you for recognizing your worth and stepping away! It’s tough, but you’ve got this. The fact that she couldn’t respect your feelings says everything. Stay strong!