Man feels guilty after coworker’s affair proposal leads to marital breakdown after photo scandal. AITA?
"AITA for unintentionally causing my coworker’s marriage to implode?"
I (32M) need to know if I’m the villain here. 2-3 years ago, I worked shifts with a married coworker, "Crystal" (33F), who has a husband and a kid. Because it's always just two of us who available for shifts consistently, over months, she’d vent to me daily about her marital issues, fights, resentment, petty drama.
I stayed neutral, even defended her husband every time. No flirting, no texting outside work, never shared my own problems. It was strictly one-sided, and no, no physical contact even once.
Then, during one shift, I snapped and opened up about my abusive fiancée (now ex). That morning, when I was clearly look stressed, Crystal asked, 'What do you do to relieve stress?' I responded with, 'Jerk off,' while walked away, not a great answer.
Later in the afternoon, she asked why I was still upset, and I vented vaguely. Her response was, 'Why don’t we… ‘have fun’ tonight? You’re stressed, I’m stressed too with him.'
Man, she propositioned me for an affair. I shut that down immediately, but later that night, she texted a photo of herself in a see-through nightgown which her private parts clearly shown, said, "Maybe you need one.", and asking if I was alone.
I replied, 'Are you crazy?' and ignored it. The next day, her husband found out. Turns out, she sent the picture as 'revenge' because he’d been texting his ex. Her excuse? 'He did it first.'
Now her marriage is in shambles. Her husband (who I collaborated with and respected) is humiliated and barely speaks to me. Coworkers are gossiping about her, but some think, I was "too friendly" with her.
Here’s why I might be the AH: I let her trauma-dump on me for months non-stop, maybe I enabled emotional intimacy that crossed lines. I vented about my ex once, which unknowingly she used to justify her advance. Her marriage never been the same again, and I feel indirectly responsible.
But I also think, I never flirted, encouraged her, or crossed boundaries. She chose to cheat, I rejected her immediately. Was I just being a decent listener even though I'm not, or did I screw up by not shutting her down sooner? So did I destroy a marriage?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
You can't be blamed for her actions. NTA.
Nooo… her marriage was already down the hopper❣️❣️?????
"First rule of fight club: don't talk about your marital issues to your coworker." - Tyler Durden, probably. But seriously, you may have unknowingly enabled her to cross boundaries, but ultimately it was her choice to cheat. Don't beat yourself up too much, just make sure to learn from this situation.
Well, telling her that you did ___that___ to relieve stress, IMO, was inappropriate, especially something to say to a woman. It could be deemed sexual harassment, though her response to it was even more extreme.
Letting her 'trauma dump.' It sounds like you did that innocently without any intention to cause trouble. It sounds like you responded appropriately and are not to blame for her nasty messages.
NTA.
if nothing else, you prolonged the agony of their marriage. And she rewarded you by throwing you in the trainwreck.
NTA. You didn't take the bait, yet are still being blamed, because your coworker wants to blame anyone but herself for wrecking her own marriage. None of this is on you. Stay strong, this too shall pass.
Nta about their marriage but like maybe don't tell your coworkers, even ones you're friendly with, that you jerk off? That's just such a weird and unnecessary thing to ever tell someone in a work setting.
NTA. That said, the jerk off comment was definitely not work appropriate. Venting about your personal issues was also not work appropriate. None of this is to say that YTA. Her marriage had imploded already. Nor do I find what your coworkers are doing appropriate.
You didn't destroy her marriage, but you did cross a boundary. What made you think it was okay to discuss jerking off with a coworker? That's way over the line. NTA. The implosion of her marriage is all on her, but you need to be more conscientious about interactions at work.
NTA. You did not cause your coworkers marriage to implode, she did. She dumped on you, she tried to start an affair with you. In the future, I absolutely recommend shutting down that sort of 'personal' information sooner. "I'm not comfortable discussing your marriage issues, maybe you should talk to someone safe, like family or a therapist?"
One off vents, or the occasional request for advice to someone you're already friendly with is a little different, but it is not a sign of a healthy marriage to daily or weekly vent about marital issues to other people. It's also a sign of emotional immaturity to WANT to do that instead of working on the marriage.
With your partner. If it's not a healthy marriage, the likelihood something will eventually happen to implode it is high, and you just don't want to be in a position to catch any of the flak.
NTA. When you are married there's a line you don't cross. Doesn't matter what you did it was coworker that crossed that line and caused her marriage to blow up.
NTA but you did not set a boundary early on: "I'm sorry you're having marital issues, but I'm not the one you need to vent to. I'd rather not hear it." Easy enough. Then, YOU mentioned jerking off. Joke or not. That's on you.
NTA- but for future knowledge if some chick who you would never want to sleep with asks you how you unwind (unless its a doctor of some sort) yiu relax by collecting specimens for your massive spider and insect collection. Thats your story and you are stcking to it. Make sure you grin and snort while saying it.