'AITA for uninviting my adoptive brothers from my wedding after they said they don’t see me as family?'
"AITA for uninviting my adoptive brothers from my wedding after they said they don’t see me as family?"
UninvitedBrother32
I’m a 32-year-old man, and I’m getting married to my long-time girlfriend soon. What should be one of the happiest moments of my life has turned into a heartbreaking ordeal because of a deepening rift in my family.
To give you some background: I’m my parents’ biological son, and when I was 12, they adopted two boys who were biological siblings—Jack, who was 8, and Liam, who was 5. From the very beginning, it was clear that things were going to be tough.
Jack came with severe behavioural issues due to some intense trauma (I’ll spare the details, but it was significant). I tried my hardest to be understanding, but living with him was nothing short of exhausting. His outbursts were constant, and I often felt like I was walking on eggshells, terrified of setting him off.
As we grew older, I continued to try to be there for Jack, despite everything. A few years ago, Jack fell into a devastating drug addiction. I stood by him through his darkest moments, supporting him through rehab, and doing everything I could to help him get back on his feet. It was draining and heartbreaking, but I did it because I loved him and believed that, despite our challenges, we were still brothers.
The situation came to a head recently at a Sunday dinner at my parents’ house. My son was working on his summer homework, which involved creating a family tree. He innocently asked Jack if he wanted to be included, and Jack just flat-out said no.
He didn’t want to be part of it because, in his exact words, “We’re not real brothers.” He said it so casually, like it was the most obvious thing in the world, with no regard for how much it would cut me to the core.
I was utterly stunned, but what shattered me even more was that Liam, who I’ve always felt closer to, just sat there in silence. He didn’t say a word. He didn’t defend me or even acknowledge how hurtful Jack’s words were.
He just let it happen. I’ve tried so hard to be supportive of both of them, especially Jack, despite the endless challenges. So, for Jack to say that, and for Liam to do nothing, felt like a gut punch. It was as if they were both telling me that I was never truly part of their family.
I decided to uninvite both Jack and Liam from my wedding. My fiancée has been nothing but supportive of my decision, but my parents are furious. They’ve made it clear that if Jack and Liam aren’t invited, they won’t attend either.
It feels like history is repeating itself, with my parents once again prioritising Jack over me, no matter how much it hurts me. I’m absolutely heartbroken that my parents would choose to miss my wedding rather than support me in this.
I know Jack has been through a lot, but I’ve done everything I can to be there for him and for Liam, despite all the heartache. And now, I feel like I’m the one being punished for finally standing up for myself and setting some boundaries. AITA for uninviting my brothers after they said they don’t see me as family, even if it means my parents won’t come to my wedding?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Lulubelle__007
NTA but perhaps Liam said nothing because he knows how Jack thinks and reacts and contradicting him or arguing would only have caused a scene in front of your son. Jack was the one who said this.
I expect, given your description of Jack, that Liam has also had a life time of managing his brother’s moods and behaviour and he didn’t want to be involved. Think again about inviting Liam. He hasn’t done anything wrong here except refuse to contribute to a family argument. Maybe go for a drink together and talk, man to man?
SuspiciousZombie788
I was thinking the same thing about Liam. I think a private conversation with Liam is in order before OP takes the nuclear option.
The OP responded here:
UninvitedBrother3
Okay, yes. Thank you for your comment. Honestly I'm still extremely emotional by all of this. Especially my parents. But I have always got on better with Liam, even though I do still feel like an outsider compared to them two which is probably because they're biological brothers who have the shared trauma.
I still feel really hurt by Liam not saying anything, but my main issue is with my parents and Jack. I'm going to talk to Liam later.
Ozkar-Seahorsedad
Maybe Liam was hurt too. You didn't say something about him belonging to your family at the moment your brother said he wouldn't, right? So your brother implied Liam isn't your family and you didn't say something against that. It's the same you are feeling hurt towards Liam.
The OP again responded:
UninvitedBrother32
No I don't think that was it, the whole argument we had was about how dare Jack say those things after everything I've done.
Bothered_Giraffe369
NTA. I completely agree. I understand that Liam's silence hurt your feelings as well, but maybe it's worth having a word with him. You can let him know that he hurt you by not saying anything, and also ask him why that was.
Perhaps he really did just stay quiet to keep the peace. He knows by this time that Jack is capable of turning anything into a fight or a scene, so he was just avoiding it. If you speak to him and it still feels like he's also being hostile, you're absolutely right in uninviting him too.
Your parents are being very unreasonable though. It's okay for them to get upset when they learnt of what happened, but instead of being petty and stubborn, they should be talking to Jack about his behaviour and how it's affecting the whole family.