Uncle refuses to be on-call babysitter for special needs nephew. 'No amount of money is worth it.' AITA? UPDATED
"AITA for 'uninviting' my brother and nephew from my celebration dinner?"
Backstory - My sister and I(early 30's) have an older brother. He's on his second marriage. His first marriage gave me my nephew, Connor (15). Connor is autistic. When he was born, my (at the time) sister-in-law's family was the "village".
My parents were also the "village". My sister and I were not. This resulted in many arguments until I told my parents they could either have my brother and his family and I would go NC or they could respect my boundaries and I'd still be around. They agreed.
Eventually, my brother got a divorce because of marital problems, one of which was his ex-wife insisting that I and my sister step-up and help. I felt bad for him, still do, but I wasn't going to change my stance. My sister didn't either.
I have lived out of state for a bit and recently accepted a new job offer close to home. It came with a nice bonus, so I decided to invite my parents, sister, and brother out for dinner at my favorite KBBQ spot. My parents confirmed that it wasn't my brother's week with my nephew, so all was well and good.
About a week before I got back home, my brother called and said his ex had something come up and that he had Connor the upcoming week and his current wife was going to be out of town with her sisters.
I said no worries, and asked if he wanted to call his regular babysitter for Connor and I'd cover it for our dinner night. He said no, he wanted to bring Connor to the dinner and asked if we could change the venue because Connor gets overstimulated. I said no.
This was my dinner, I'm paying for it, I'm going to my favorite place. He said "You know, your nephew really can't handle a place like that." I said yes I know. That's why I'm offering to cover paying for a babysitter for that night.
He argue that he'll just bring Connor with him. I said he's welcome to do that, but then I'm not going so it'll just be him and our parents. He told me that was messed up, that if Connor gets overstimulated, he'll just take him and go outside until he calms down.
I reminded him the last time we went to a KBBQ place, Connor had a meltdown and they had to leave. My parents always feel bad for Connor, so they'll usually leave and go to my brother's house to help. I said I didn't want that happening. I wanted to have a nice dinner without having to worry about that. He told me to go eff myself and hung up.
We went to dinner - my sister, my parents and I. My brother did not show up. It was a nice dinner. My parents enjoyed it too, but they said they wished my brother had come. I agreed. They then said they wished my nephew had come too. I did not agree.
I said it would have likely resulted in my brother leaving after maybe 30-40 minutes of being there, and they would have followed him too. They agreed, but said I should have let him come anyway and just deal with it. I said that sounds like a good reason for me not to do that and we didn't talk much that night after that. AITA?
EDIT: I've babysat Connor before, even now I will watch him for a few hours if my brother has to do something. I don't watch him all day or overnight though. It's not his fault and he is no way a bad kid. However, I had to set boundaries because my parents and brother(mostly his ex wife) would take a mile if you gave them an inch.
They wanted my sister and I to stay local after high school so we could help with babysitting and I was not about to do that. I did see both of them before I left, since I wanted to, but I did not apologize for wanting to eat my favorite spot and have it done my way for just one night.
Whenever he (my brother) wants to have to dinner, we basically go to the same local spot because it's quiet and doesn't upset my nephew and it's his fixation when it comes to food. That's perfectly fine, and I go to those dinners, but for my dinner, I wanted it somewhere I enjoyed.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
I’m going with NTA. This was YOUR celebration, and you didn’t want it disrupted by your nephew who you knew would not like it and would therefore act up even though he couldn’t help it.
Your nephew wouldn’t have enjoyed YOUR celebration dinner - you knew that and that he would get over-stimulated. You offered to pay for a baby-sitter - that was rejected. Your brother wanted to force his son into attending an event which would upset him and cause everyone to get upset. NTA.
NTA. You have a boundary and they know what it is.
Raising children is exhausting, raising a special needs child is a whole new level of exhausting. It DOES that a village, but you cannot FORCE your village to do everything for you and be at your beck and call.
It’s great that you visit your nephew and babysit him. However, it does NOT make you a bad person for not wanting YOUR celebration to be about him. NTA. At all. I say this as the mother of an autistic child, you are not responsible for changing everything to suit your nephew.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
First, I wanted to thank everybody, positive for negative for giving feedback. Whether it was good or bad, I did read every one of them, even the ones who called me an AH. Totally valid.
While I did see my brother and Connor before I left, it was more of just playing with Connor and making small talk with my brother. I decided today to call my brother to try and get more info and smooth things out.
We talked for about 5 minutes before I broached the subject. I told him I was sorry if it felt like I was being unnecessarily mean or exclusionary to Connor, but that I felt I had a right to decide how to celebrate the way I wanted to.
He said he was sorry that he snapped the way he did, and looking back, he realized Connor would have had an awful time and it would have been a big waste of money for me(the place we went to was about $80 a person, $40 for Connor whether he ate or not).
He just really wanted him to be there too. I told him going forward, for things like my birthday, I would be more than happy to have lunch as a family with Connor at somewhere he likes so he can have a good time, then go to dinner at somewhere I want to eat at and I'd pay for a babysitter or his mom(my brother's ex) can watch him.
He asked if Connor would be welcome at the dinner too, and I said I don't think so because I still planned to have KBBQ/hot pot/sushi/fine dining and Connor doesn't do well in those environments(lights/sounds/smells/atmosphere), which is why I brought up having lunch the day of/beforehand so we can all celebrate and it be ok for him.
But I was still standing firm that for my birthday(or something like another promotion), I wanted to go somewhere that I enjoyed without having to worry. I brought up also that when he took us out to lunch(was once a month before I moved), he picked or my parents picked and they always catered to Connor.
I had no problems with that and attended almost all of them. This time, I wanted something for myself. He wasn't over the moon about it, but said it sounded good and thinks Connor would enjoy it too. He also looked into getting him sunglasses, as one of you suggested, for bright/overly stimulating environments.
He then had a question for me, which I knew was going to be asked at some point. Now that I'm closer to home, he asked if I was going to be more involved as an uncle. I said yes, but not in the way he probably wants.
I said I'd be more than happy to go over to his house and hang out with him, his wife and Connor and bring food he likes, as well as babysitting him once or twice a month so he and his wife could go see a movie or have dinner together, but I wasn't going to be an on-call babysitter like my parents are.
Several times he's dropped Connor off at their house for a week/weekend with little notice because he and his wife wanted to go on a spontaneous vacation. I told him that was not gonna happen with me, especially since I'm the process of adopting a cat and he and Connor are allergic.
I wasn't allowed to have a cat while I lived in my parents house, which was fine because it's their house and it wasn't fair to my brother and Connor who were over super often. So him getting dropped at my new place was out of the question.
He thankfully didn't press the topic and said it's ok, mom and dad don't mind and that he missed hanging out with me and was happy that I could be around Connor more. So, everything worked out as well as I could have hoped. I'm excited move back home in a few weeks, and thank you all again for the advice/criticism!
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s update:
I am glad things worked out well. I hope they have always been working with specialists for Connor so that he has the change to be as self sufficient as possible. I get a tiny bit of a vibe that his mother and father (maybe because he just went along with his ex wife) babied Connor and never tried to get him help to adjust better to the real world.
New-Way-888 (OP)
"If he can't do that, is your brother making plans for a permanent adult home for Connor?"
That is the case, yes. His specialists have said they don't believe he'll ever be able to be independent as he is effectively non-verbal and still very prone to meltdowns despite the best efforts of my brother.
Honestly this is probably the best outcome that could’ve happened. I will say that I think your brother is an AH for going on spontaneous vacations and just dropping HIS kid off at your parents.
He also needs to understand that his kid does not need to be with him every single time he does something with family. It is unfair that every event is catered to what Connor can handle. The rest of the world isn’t going to and I feel like your brother is doing him a disservice.
Almost seven months later, the OP returned with another update.
I (31M) moved back to LA from Texas for a new job. My parents live here, as does my brother (40M), his wife, and my nephew Connor(16). Connor is autistic, and while he's made a lot of progress since he was 10, still struggles with a lot of things. He is nonverbal, stims often, and frequently has meltdowns.
My brother, his wife, his ex-wife,, and my parents are the only ones really able to calm him down. I regularly watch him once or twice a month so my brother and his wife can go see a movie or hang out. I do *not* watch him overnight or for several days consecutively, and it's always at their house.
After our argument last time, my brother and I have been on pretty good terms. He hasn't really pushed boundaries about babysitting and we've mended our relationship quite a bit. However, something came up recently that has us on rocky terms.
My brother recently got news that he was selected to attend a conference out of the country. The company is putting him up in a hotel for 10-days and while they won't pay for his wife to go, they have no problems if he pays her airfare and everything and occupies the room with him. I'm very happy my brother got this opportunity.
The issue is child care. The conference happens to align when my parent's and sister are going to NYC for a week to celebrate my sister's birthday. Nothing is refundable and my parent's promised my sister this over a year ago they'd do this.
His ex-wife(Connor's biological mother) will also be out of town for work. So that leaves me. When he called me up to explain everything and ask, I told him "No". However, I listed reasons for why I wouldn't do it.
First, I live about 90-minutes away. Distance wise, not that far, but LA traffic makes a lot of things more difficult than they should be. I don't mind making the drive once or twice a month when I'm watching him, but I do not want to make it 10-days in a row.
Connor cannot come to my place because I have a cat and he is allergic, as well as me having things around the house that are fragile. I do not WFH, and Connor would still be in school, so I would have to likely put in PTO to do it logistically.
Second, The longest I've watched Connor was about 6 hours. He had a meltdown near the end that I was unable to calm him down from, and it was only my brother and his wife getting back 20-minutes later that saved me. I can not picture myself doing it for 10 days straight.
Third, this one might sound really selfish, but I don't want to set a precedent. If I watch him overnight even once, I know my brother and his wife would push it on me again. I don't want that to be a thing.
I'm happy with our arrangement of me watching him a once or twice a month and hanging out with him with my brother and our parents. That being said, I would *not* hesitate to watch him during an emergency. But that is a totally different story.
I explained this all to him. He wasn't happy. He went off on me about how he thought me being back would mean he could rely on me for this(I have said before, I am not an on-call babysitter), and his wife would really like to go on this trip.
I said I'm sorry, but I'm not doing this. I said I would be happy to go and help her on the weekend he's not here and hang out with Connor, to give her a break, but I'm not going to risk my own mental health for 10-days and use 8 days of PTO to watch him for a non-emergency.
He had a few choice words for me and hung up. He got my parents involved in the family group chat, and they surprisingly were on my side. They said it would be a really nice gesture if I did it.
But, I reminded him that I've never watched Connor overnight and his wife doesn't *have* to go on this trip. He hasn't really talked to me since. I feel bad for his wife not being able to go, but I also don't trust myself to be able to handle Connor for 10-days. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s update:
NTA.
Either the kid goes with them or the wife stays home.
Yea this is the obvious solution. The wife could absolutely come on the trip WITH the son.
The fact is they’re looking to dump the kid on OP.
New-Way-888 (OP)
Taking him isn't an option. His bio mom will not allow him out of the country, per their custody rules, and the last time he went on a 45-minute plane ride to SF, my brother described it as "the longest 45-minutes of his life." I cannot imagine what 10+ plus plane ride would be like.
Six days later, the OP returned with another update.
I messaged my brother. I said he has 2 options. Either he and/or his wife stay home and watch Connor or he works with the local agencies/care facilities(I apologize if I'm not using the right terms) to get respite care for him for as long as they are gone and I check on him during the weekend.
I would not be watching him, and I will not hear him out in regards to that. He called me and his wife got on the line and said that I know how she feels about other people watching him overnight, and how his mom feels too, and she's never been to this location before and it's on her bucket list.
I said I'm aware, and that I'm assuming in that case she'd be staying home with Connor and maybe she and my brother can take Connor there in the future. My brother tried to interject and I cut him off. Said I really don't care what he has to argue, I'm not here for it.
As some of you suggested, I again pointed them towards local organizations and government entities dedicated to helping parents with children with special needs but didn't really get anywhere. I was really burnt out over everything, so I said good luck with the situation and hung up.
I made a group chat with him and his wife and told him that, going forward, I will be visiting them once or twice a month. Meaning, one of them has to be there when I'm there. I'm not watching Connor alone anymore.
I feel like this is a good compromise, letting me still hang out with Connor and also not being a caretaker. I told them that, maybe in the future, we can work back towards what we had before. But not anytime soon.
They both wrote back paragraphs on how they were sorry but they had no other choice and thought maybe I'd do it for them, that this could be like a second honeymoon for them, and to please keep watching him for a day or two a month. That they'd even pay me for it.
I told them no amount of payment is worth it. It's not fair to me, it's not fair to Connor. He is not my son, he is theirs. That they need to start working with agencies now, and get him accustomed to care and other people watching him, because our parents are getting old and soon they won't be an option.
My brother responded that he and his wife will start the process, and get his ex involved too, but if that doesn't work, what are they going to do? I told them that it's on them. I'll happily join them in researching organizations and benefits, but if they have an inkling in their head that I'm going to do for them what my parents do, they are out of their minds.
His wife asked if I would consider getting training and learning how to care for Connor like they do, and I shot that down. I am more than happy to be the fun uncle that drops by and hangs out, but I value my independence and I won't let that be compromised.
Both of them eventually just gave me thumbs-up emojis, his wife said she was going to stay home with Connor and not go on the trip, and said they'd see me in 2 weeks to have a hang-out. We'll see what happens then, but at the very least, I'm not on the hook for watching him and someone that can calm him is.
I will do my best to keep pushing them to expand their circle and seek out other options and programs that help them with Connor, as I think that would greatly benefit the quality of life of all of them and prevent a situation like this from ever coming up again.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. Well thought out and well said. Good luck to all concerned, especially your nephew.
OP says near the beginning that his brother and ex-SIL are the type to try to take a mile if given an inch. He wasn't exaggerating! OP offers to have a birthday lunch where Connor can attend, but dinner where he wants, and bro asks if Connor can be at the dinner. OP babysits once or twice a month...they want him to watch Connor for 10 days.
It's not easy to care for a high needs child, but they really need to get used to external, non-family resources. They also need to get over their entitlement. Sucks that the conference is allegedly somewhere on wife's bucket list, but halfway decent parents of neurotypical kids make sacrifices like this too.
The math here is so important though. Connor is 16, OP is 31. That means he was 15 when Connor was born, and both OP and his sister had to actively refuse to be part of the "village"--including sacrificing they their futures to stay local to care for the kid.
Reading between the lines, it sounds like brother and his ex tried very hard to parentify the younger siblings, which is part of why OP is so firm on his boundaries now.