'AITA for uninviting my dad's wife from my daughter's birthday party over something she did last year?' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for uninviting my dad's wife from my daughter's birthday party over something she did last year?"
I don’t usually turn to the internet for advice, but I feel like my situation is specific enough that my friends can’t help me much. For context, my dad has been with “Cathy” for a little under 15 years. She’s technically his third wife, so she’s always been very insecure about her place in his family, which has unfortunately led her to become very needy and histrionic.
My daughter is turning 6 in February, and we’re planning her birthday party. Last year, my husband and I threw her a Cinderella themed party at our place. My dad showed up without Cathy, who had claimed to be sick. It didn’t bother me, but I remember feeling something was off.
Near the end of the party, Cathy showed up in a Cinderella costume. She was acting in character and trying to interact with the kids. Neither me nor my husband had been informed she’d be doing that.
At most, she’d asked me whether we were hiring any party performers a few weeks prior. I later found out she’d been planning to “surprise” my daughter and bought the costume the day she found out what the theme would be.
My husband and I are still positive Cathy did this for attention. It didn’t really work (my daughter recognized her immediately), but it did disrupt things a little, because she did this around the time the kids were eating cake and some of the parents were getting ready to leave. We managed to sort things out, but it took some time and we still had to deal with a dozen confused preschoolers.
It was a great party besides that and our daughter enjoyed herself, which is what matters most, but my husband and I asked Cathy not to do this again. She agreed and apologized.
I’m pretty sure she’s planning on doing it again. We spent a lot of time with my paternal family during the Holidays, and I noticed Cathy was bringing up “Cinderella’s” appearance at the party very frequently.
She was reminiscing, showing pictures and talking about what she’d do differently. She didn’t talk to my kids about it much, but she did ask my daughter what theme she wanted for her party this year, and how she’d feel if one of the characters showed up.
I really don’t want to have to deal with this "surprise" again, especially if it comes with no warning like last time. We’re also throwing this year’s party at a venue, not at home, meaning we have a time slot to abide by.
My husband and I spoke to Cathy about our concerns. She didn’t say she was planning on showing up in costume, but she kept insisting that if she did, the kids would love it and it could be fun.
We tried to make her promise she wouldn’t do it, but she kept dodging it and claiming she didn’t see the problem. Finally, we told her it would be best that she didn’t come at all. She can join us for the dinner we’re having afterwards, but not the actual party.
Now she’s upset and my dad is angry at us. He firmly believes we’re being paranoid and dramatic. I’m worried we’re going too far, but I’m almost certain she is indeed planning on doing it again and I don’t want to risk having problems at the party. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. But you could tell her you're having a "Chewbacca party" and see what happens.
PartyCostume_Throwa (OP)
LOL I might just do that on my own birthday.
NTA. You have made it perfectly clear you don’t want her to dress up so tell your dad if she shows up dressed as any character that they will both be asked to leave the party and won’t be invited again since they can’t respect you.
PartyCostume_Throwa (OP)
I'm pretty sure I can tell the venue not to let her in, but I'll have to check.
You can absolutely tell the venue not to let a strange adult in a costume near a party full of children. You can even warn them ahead of time that this adult was told not to come near the children in a costume. I guarantee you with just of those phrases and no other context. They will be on guard.
Five days later, the OP returned with an update.
So, I have a love/hate relationship with being right. My dad called me two days after I posted. There’s a purple wig at his place that is styled suspiciously similar to Rumi from Kpop Demon Hunters. He opened Cathy’s mail thinking it was his and found it. The costume itself is set to arrive in about a week. She wasn’t planning on telling him about either.
He’s claiming they fought, because neither the costume nor the wig were cheap, but he also felt the need to tell me she’d been watching the movie repeatedly to “study,” and that she cares so much, and that isn’t it sweet how much Cathy loves my kids and maybe my daughter would like it this time. That was all I heard before I went to look for a pillow to scream into.
I’m done. This made me a lot angrier than it should have, but it isn’t the first time someone in my family decides my plans and the effort I put in don’t mean anything. And if I can’t even plan my own child’s birthday party without someone trying to butt in, I don’t have to feel bad about drawing the line.
Cathy is officially banned from the party. My husband and I have alerted the venue that we didn’t hire any character performers, and if any caucasian-looking Korean pop star shows up they must tell her to go home.
We also gave them a picture of her. They basically told us they can’t let anyone who’s not on the guest list inside anyway, so she won't be allowed. I feel horrible about making them deal with my family drama, but at least that’s one less thing to worry about.
My dad and I did fight about this, but I put my foot down. He kept arguing that it wouldn’t be a big deal if I “just let Cathy have this.” I told him that’s not the point. If he’s not the one who’s going to have to manage the situation, he doesn’t get to tell me how hard it is to do it.
In the end, this is what we settled on: my dad can come to the birthday party as long as Cathy doesn’t tag along. If she does, they’re both out. Both of them can still join us for dinner later.
I’m also thinking about lowering my contact with both my dad and Cathy. I love my dad, but no headache is worth this. I want to wait until I’m calmer to work out the details.
I want to thank everyone. I’ve got a lot going on in my life and my therapist is on vacation, so it feels good to rant about this. But for my own sanity, I’m going to focus on relaxing for the next couple of weeks. I already feel much lighter knowing this is over.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Why does Cathy get to 'have this' when it's not about Cathy? It's about your daughter. YOUR daughter. Cathy doesn't get to blatantly ignore explicit instructions. "We said no. It's very rapey of you to ignore that no. What else will you ignore?"
Cathy has burned her last bridge. I think LC or NC with dad for a bit so he sees how serious this is to you is a good idea. Like, no, dude. She 'had this' last year and still doesn't get how she messed it up. She can get a dog and have birthday parties for it.
PartyCostume_Throwa (OP)
I feel like people don't give kids enough credit. I'm positive my children didn't really enjoy what she did last year, but one of Cathy's main arguments was that she was sure my daughter would love it this time.
I'd be no contact with both of them. He only cares about her and she thinks everything revolves around her. What? NTA. And no... neither of them would be coming to dinner. You know she'll show up in a fckin costume and cause a huge scene when you toss her out. Just avoid it all.
When your dad said “let Cathy have this” I would have forcefully let him know “because it is NOT ABOUT HER. This is a birthday party where the center of attention is my daughter and not your wife. If neither of you can understand that, then I don’t know what to tell you.” Holy cow, people like this infuriate me.
I would be telling dad in front of her hopefully his 4th wife respect boundaries then block them both.
A month and a half later, the OP returned with their final update.
I said I wouldn’t update again unless something happened, so you guys can probably guess why I’m back. This might get long. I’ll go ahead and say nothing happened at the party itself.
It happened on Saturday, and everything went perfectly fine. My daughter loved it, the kids had fun and we had no problems with the venue. Cathy did not try to come, nor did my dad try to convince me to invite her again. I had expected him to sulk through the party, but he actually did pretty well.
And then we went to the birthday dinner. My dad and Cathy were running so late that the food arrived around the same time they did. Cathy was dressed as Rumi (wig and jacket). My dad was refusing to make eye contact with anyone, very obviously embarrassed.
The kids saw them before we did. I knew there was a chance she’d come to the restaurant in costume, but I was more concerned she’d do it at the party. My husband and I had agreed that we wouldn’t make a scene in front of the kids, but would step in if things got out of hand.
It was very awkward. The kids (five in total, including my three) mostly ignored her. They recognized Cathy and called her by her name, which upset her. They were also not amused by the way she kept trying to get their attention, because she was trying to get them to interact with her while they were either talking to each other or trying to eat.
I told Cathy to leave them alone when she started trying to pull my daughter’s hand away from her food so they could get up and dance together. She sat there silent for a few minutes before leaving to go to the bathroom. Then she texted my dad that she wasn’t feeling well, and they left.
In the end, they stayed for less than 20 minutes. People were staring, but that’s not something I tend to care about. Besides the few times I cringed (Cathy asked the waitress if they had ramyeon at Johnny Rockets), nothing too chaotic happened.
Still, I regret not telling her to leave. My husband handled bedtime that night, and our daughter asked him whether it was okay if she didn't like Cathy. She also asked my husband not to tell me that at first, because she didn’t want to upset me.
The three of us ended up talking on Sunday. Our daughter basically said she was upset that Cathy was bothering her and being pushy during the dinner, and she was worried that the kids at the table next to us were “looking at her funny” because of what was going on.
I’m exhausted, and I feel like complete nonsense like this happens way too often. It’s perfectly fine for them to do what they want as long as I’m the one dealing with the consequences.
More than anything, I refuse to let my children be treated this way too. I genuinely don’t understand why Cathy insists on behaving like this, but I shouldn’t have to worry about whether a grown woman will listen to me when I tell her not to do something at my child's party.
A few hours after the talk with my daughter, the kids went out with my mom. I took the opportunity to call my dad and Cathy, and told them she is no longer welcome at any of my children’s events.
We had an interesting argument, during which Cathy said I had “humiliated” her when I told her to leave my daughter alone, and she couldn’t understand why I was doing this when she was willing to go this far to make my kids happy.
My dad and I talked again later that night, without her. He was still defending Cathy, but admitted he was embarrassed when she insisted on wearing the costume (apparently, that was the reason they were late to the dinner). I told him my decision was final, and if he ever tried to bring Cathy to an event she isn’t invited to, they would both be told to leave.
We’re not officially cutting ties, but my husband and I will make an effort to spend less time with Cathy moving forward. That will probably include lowering our contact with my dad as well, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that might actually help our relationship.
In the end, Cathy’s shenanigan aside, my daughter really enjoyed her birthday. That’s all that really matters in the end. I, once again, want to thank everyone. This is my last post.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
I'm glad the party went well and Cathy didn't create too much of a scene. Have you told your dad about what your kids said about it? I think if he knows he'll see that Cathy is doing this only for her sake, not the kids since they didn't like it either.
PartyCostume_Throwa (OP)
I decided not to. I know that if I did, Cathy would fixate on my daughter whenever we saw each other. I didn't want to risk her making my daughter feel suffocated in the future.
I don't want my daughter to dislike Cathy (and for all I know, she might completely forget about this in a few months), but her comfort comes first. My dad (and everyone else who was at the dinner) did agree that it was very obvious the kids didn't like it.
Is anyone else getting immense second-hand cringe when reading this?
Oh yeah. It's hard not to cringe at the mental image of a middle aged woman showing up at Johnny Rockets in quarter Rumi cosplay and trying to role play at a child's birthday party.
I really don’t understand Cathy’s endgame here. Is it just that she has to feel like the center of attention at every event? I’d expect someone so seemingly insecure to be more easily embarrassed by these shenanigans.
She clearly wanted children. She was in her late 30s or early 30s when she married OPs father. But she was a 3rd wife, he is older, his own children were adults, and I presume he didn’t want any more.
Instead of finding a husband who wanted the sane things she did, Cathy settled, and presumably thought she could change his mind. That didn’t happen, so now she terrorises his children and grandchildren with her neediness.
I really tried to give Cathy the benefit of the doubt at first.. but the restaurant costume sealed it for me. That wasn’t about the kids. That was about her. The part that got me was the daughter asking if it’s okay not to like her. A six year old shouldn’t be managing a grown adults feelings. OP did the right thing protecting her peace. Dad needs to wake up.
I don’t know; that kid seems pretty smart about sensitive topics, hurting feelings, and trusting a parent. Gosh, I wish I had been given the room dislike someone in my heart as a kid and express that to a parent so they could help me. That is so great really.
There are always people that bother us, and kids need to be able to tell parents so the parents can assess whether that disliked person is safe. Yes it is not fun to have to deal with someone you dislike, but that is something we all encounter in life and have to learn to navigate.
Also props to OP for not blabbing to her dad that her child dislikes Cathy and is bothered by the behavior. That would be a complete betrayal of her daughter’s trust and and it is on the parents to establish boundaries. Good job OP.