"WIBTA for telling my mom she's not invited to Thanksgiving or Christmas this year if she still decides not to attend my wedding?"

My family and I have always been close. But since my dad passed away a number of years ago, things have been changing. I (35F) and my fiance (29M) are set to be married in the fall and have been planning our wedding for the past year.

We are planning on funding the whole thing ourselves but his dad did offer to pop for catering, for which we are very grateful. We sent the invitations out in January and have received many RSVPs since then. BUT before I sent invitations, I called my sister (29F) to tell her that I would be inviting her soon to be ex-husband due to him being a friend of my fiance.

I told her this in advance so she could decide what to do about it. Naturally, she told me she wasn't going. She was actually quite upset and called me names and told me I was betraying her, but honestly none of that shocked me since she does that all the time and has been struggling with BPD since being diagnosed a few years ago.

I let her rant for a while then told her calmly that I respected her decision and then I ended the conversation. I then got a phone call from my mother a few hours later. My mom is great - she's always been there for all of us and has done a lot for us over the years. She's still struggling a lot with the death of my dad and is finding her own way in the world without him.

Here's the rub. My mom has always spoiled my little sister. Though she tried not to favor any kid when we were small, my sister rarely had to do any chores and was handled with kid gloves by mom and my dad. Sister was given lots of presents we never had, but mostly it was okay. I didn't realize how bad it would get later in life.

Since dad's death, my sister's behavior has ramped up substantially. She has emotionally and mentally assaulted me, my family, our friends, her husband, my fiance, and pretty much anyone else who she deems to be a traitor in that moment. She has sought professional help before but to my knowledge isn't seeing a therapist right now.

Now, my sister's behavior is inexcusable of course, but we all know it stems from grief, trauma and BPD, so we try the best we can to not take things personally, enjoy the moments when she's not having an episode, try to steer her in the right direction toward therapy and thought work and away from black and white thinking.

And I have been the forerunner in this IMO because of my ability to stay calm and to set boundaries for myself and know when to walk away and when to come back. My mom has even blamed me for my sister's outbursts, asking me, "What did you say to her?"

When I've expressed some of the horrible names she'd called me and how she had screamed and shouted and spammed my phone with texts about what a horrible sister I was and how betrayed her because I was still friends with someone she had fought with and cut from her life.

My mom has says things like "Can you even imagine what it would be like to lose your father and your husband in the same year?" when referring to my sister's situation. Here's the thing. I was in a abusive relationship with my ex for 8 years before finally leaving and getting the courage to file for divorce.

I cried daily for months wondering how I was going to make it, how my kids were going to make it. Then....three months later, my dad died. So yeah, mom. I can imagine.

My mom called me and told me I was making the wrong choice, that family always comes first, that if my fiance really loved me he would not invite his friend so I could have my sister at my wedding, but I cut her off after a while because frankly I'd been listening to her defend my sister for years (while still admitting that her behavior is wrong) and I was over it.

I told mom I respected sister's choice and she was an adult who could make her own decisions and so was I. Then my mom told me if sister wasn't going, then she was going to go as well. I figured this would happen. But as the wedding approached I fully expected mom and sister to come around as they usually did.

Sister and I have been on distant terms, which is fine, but what hurts the most is the freeze my mom put me on. For a long time she wouldn't talk to me at all, would barely look at me. I tried to ask her what was wrong but she told me she didn't want to talk about it. Since then we've had one heart-to-heart and our relationship has improved slightly, but it's still nowhere near what it was before.

Here's where I may be the @$$hole. I've tried to talk about wedding things with my mom, but she ignores me or glosses over the topic. That hurts. I know she's not coming, but it seems like she's completely blocked that part of me off as if it wasn't happening so she doesn't have to deal with it.

This has happened so much that I'm seriously considering telling her that if she and sister still choose not to attend my wedding, they will not be invited to the normal Thanksgiving or Christmas celebrations held at my house this year. I want you guys to know I'm not doing this to hurt them.

But I honestly can't imagine having a beautiful and happy wedding in the fall with my husband and friends, knowing full well my mom and sister chose not to be there, and then move right into the holiday season with people who have hurt me greatly and just be expected to host the celebrations like always. I can't just compartmentalize my feelings that fast. And I don't want to. So, WIBTA?

What do you think? WIBTA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Beck2010 said:

“Mom, for years you have been focused almost solely on sister. A lot of her issues are her own making, and her excuses and behaviors are hurtful and unacceptable. You asked me how would I feel losing a husband and a father once, and how I cannot imagine how painful it is for sister. Have you really forgotten what I and others have gone through?

Regardless, if you choose not to attend my wedding there will be substantial changes in our relationship. Understand this: no Christmas, no thanksgiving, no Easter, and a super low contact relationship will be the repercussions of your choice.

I will not be there for you; do not contact me when sister’s life blows up again. If you cannot love and support me, I will choose to largely cut you out of my life to save my heart.”

landphier said:

I typically take family over friends. Having said that, if you are no or low contact with family members then they shouldn't be a priority for your wedding. I want to offer a perspective from your mother's position.

She appears to favor your sister...a lot. Do you really think she's not going to stick by a daughter when her soon to be ex husband is going to her other daughter's wedding because "the groom is his friend"?

It's your wedding to do whatever you want just as it's their choice to show up or not. Y'all have consequences coming for how it plays out. I'm not going to judge except to say not all friendships last a lifetime and not all family members deserve respect.

And Zaki_242 said:

Don't care who you invited to the wedding. But one line in your story makes you a huge AH. "I figured they will come around like they usually do." I have a feeling we are not getting the whole story, and you put yourself on a pedestal, where everyone has to cater to your needs.

She later shared these two updates:

Update #1:

I really, really don't want to talk about my sister's marriage because most of it is none of my business, I haven't had updated details in over a year, the whole thing is so convoluted and wishy-washy that it would take fifteen posts to explain what I do know.

And also because believe it or not, I don't want to out all the nasty stuff my sister did during her most horrible outbursts (which, if you know BPD, are directed at a BPD's "favorite person" and hers was her hubby).

My sister had violent outbursts. Bad stuff happened. My BIL responded well at first, then okay, then not so okay, as most of would when our spouse is slowly spiraling into destruction. I believe he then made choices out of bitterness and anger that made everything worse.

They tried to save it too many times to count. She keeps holding on, then letting go, then holding on, then letting go. Frankly, it's exhausting. Now they are (probably) getting a divorce, but who knows? This whole thing could drag on for another 3 years.

Update #2:

Thanks everyone for your responses. I feel like I've gotten a lot of different perspectives from lots of different walks of life, and most of them have been really helpful in deciding what to do in this situation. I've decided to focus on my wedding and see how I feel after. I've also decided to *try* to engage with my family about the wedding.

I'd like to tell my mom specifically that I genuinely do want her there and that if she doesn't come it will hurt. I need to express myself, even if the results don't change, bc it will bring me peace and bc it's the right thing to do.

For my sister, it will be more difficult, but once again, I need to express how I feel. They get to decide what to do with that. Also, heads up, I might delete this post for my own sanity, but just know you guys have been great, even you all who think I'm the @$$hole.