'AITA for uninviting my BIL's wife from our wedding after she made him drop out as best man?'
"My brother-in-law contacted us 3 months before our wedding to let us know he HAS to drop of from being BEST MAN, because his wife doesn't thing is a good idea."
Hello everybody, I 28F and my husband 28M are having our Church Wedding this summer. Pls beware this post is long. My brother in law contacted my husband to let him know he HAS to drop of from being BEST MAN, 3 months before the wedding, because his wife doesn't thing is a good idea.
For context, me and my husband have a great relationship with each others family, my family is big, and we are pretty close, his family in the other hand is quite small and sometimes tend to be a little more distant, but not necessarily in a bad way mostly because the age gap. (His brother is mid 40's and sister is 50's).
My husband is very fond of his big brother, he practically was a father figure to him, since my husbands father walked out on him and his mom when he was about 7y/o. His brother moved a few states over a few years back but they talk a few days a week and we have visit him a few time through out the years.
Now, the problem. My husband comes home from work and I could immediately tell he is upset, he looks at me and tells me. "My brother is dropping out from the wedding, I have no Best Man". I was so confused and asked why since this came out of nowhere, there was no previous argument or anything of that sort.
My husband stated, "He said his wife didn't think it was a good idea since in her religion what we do is not right, and disrespectful to her." HUH? From what I could gather what she was talking about was the Ceremony entrance, typically bridesmaids and groomsmen walk in together you can say as a "pair" and to her that was disrespectful to her marriage. (We are catholic, I'm not sure about her religion.)
For further context. 1. We are not going to do that, our ceremony is going to be short so no wedding party entrance. 2. My Maid of honors are my 2 younger sisters, bridesmaids are my brother's wife, my best friend and our niece (his sister's daughter). His side includes, his brother, my two younger brothers and two of his best friends.
She was upset that I didn't send a Bridesmaid box to her along with my brother in law's Best Man proposal box. I choose the closest people to me, and she is not. We are all courteous when we visit, but she doesn't have a relationship with anybody.
From what I know about her, she is very toxic, gets upset when brother in law calls his family, she threatens to take his daughters from him, and the marriage is very transactional, he stays for his daughters, he has mentioned this before.
His brother is upset but he stated he can't risk loosing his daughters so he decided to cave in. My husband is sad that that his brother wont be there, but he understands his brothers decision.
Last details. My husband believes nothing good will come from her attending our wedding, he is hurt that his brother is living in fear with a person he doesn't love, and every day distancing more and more from family. He decided to let his brother know his wife is no longer invited. He knew it was a risk, because this might mean his brother probably not coming AT ALL to the wedding.
There is a lot more history and details about the interpersonal relationships and dynamics between all his family, but I only pointed out what I thought was relevant to the story. I agreed with the decision, but we want to know if our decision was too harsh? AITA?
What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:
Severe_Chicken213 said:
I say your decision is fair. Why should you invite unpleasant people that you don’t even like to your wedding? NTA.
OP responded:
When I think about it I do feel obligated, to “keep the peace”.
SpicyDragoon93 said:
The Brother's fault really. He refuses to push back on her behaviour and as a result will spend his marriage being controlled, by the time he eventually musters the courage to put her in her place (if he ever does) it'll be too late, his relationship with your husband and everyone else will be beyond repair.
As for her religion that's bollocks, you're not in her religion and I doubt there's anything in her religion that says she couldn't participate in the event.
It really will be better if they don't attend.
OodlesofCanoodles said:
Ask your MIL. she's been dealing with this for a while and probably knows how to deal with it better
CakeZealousideal1820 said:
BIL needs to grow a backbone file for divorce and shared custody. She can't just keep the kids away. This is a mess but not your mess 🤷🏾♀️ NTA
craftymomma111 said:
That’s a brother problem. He has no backbone and refuses to stand up to his wife. She can’t “take his daughters away”. That’s why we have courts. How old are the daughters anyway? Old enough to vocalize to a judge?
Anyway, what you decide about inviting the wife is fine unless her not being there will impact your day worse that her coming. Your wedding is about you, not them and their weird dynamic.
OP responded:
Daughters are all under 8y/o, so unfortunately, the possibility of her manipulating and lying to them is very high.
JustKind2 said:
If he loves his brother and doesn't want to increase the divide, it is a poor decision to exclude the wife. The proper response to someone saying they can't be in the wedding party because of family issues is to be gracious and say "I am so sorry. Is there anything we can do to accommodate you so that you can still participate? If not, please come as a guest."
Punishing the wife seems like you risk the brother not being able to come at all. The brother might be in an abusive marriage and you are making it hard for him to be able to come to the wedding.
And OP responded:
I completely understand what you’re saying. Is hard to see a person hurt my husband and his family and still feel obligated to have her sit through our ceremony, BUT this also might affect brother in law negatively. We are sending invites this week and I think we might circle back.
We'll keep you posted on any future updates!