Myself (28m) and my gf Haley (23f) have been together for 2 years, live together, and have an amazing relationship. However, we come from very different families. Her family is pretty traditional, everyone marries, settles down, then has kids. (not to say she firmly believes this is the "right" thing to do, though.
She had a pretty messed up childhood, if that's at all relevant). My family is extremely blended, with many divorces and teen pregnancies and kids with various partners. Haley has always gotten along really well with my family, they love her and vice versa. She has always accepted the way my family is, but something happened this morning to make me think otherwise.
My cousin Jared (23m) and his girlfriend Amy (22f) just had a baby boy. I should also add that his younger sister, my cousin Shania (21f), has 2 boys with two different guys. My girlfriend loves these kids dearly and spoils them. So when Jared called this morning to tell me that he and gf are having another baby, I was surprised when Haley responded with a stone face and said nothing.
I asked her why she didn't seem happy for them and she said: "Jared still owes your grandma thousands of dollars right?". I said yeah. "And Amy is still waitressing? And smoking?" (they both smoke cigarettes) I said yeah. She just said K and continued making breakfast. I asked her what that was supposed to mean.
She got really agitated all of a sudden and snapped back with "I'm sorry, I love your family but sometimes their stupid decisions get under my skin. I just hate seeing kids keep having have kids"
Then she went on to bring up other things about my family having lots of dogs and not training them properly and swearing in front of the kids and how none of my cousins have proper jobs to support their kids and dump them off with grandma all the time and live in trailers.
She had NEVER expressed any of this before and I was shocked; it made it seem like she sees my family as inferior and trailer trash. I've been reflecting on the things she said and yeah, they are true. I guess I've always just seen my family as normal because I'm the son of a teen mom myself.
She approached me a couple hours later and said sorry, and that she just really believes that people shouldn't take having babies lightly because her parents had major unsolved issues throughout her childhood, which stick with her to this day. I accepted her apology, but I still feel hurt and bitter about what she said about my family. AITA?
DBCOOPER888 said:
NAH, but neither is she. Your family does sound like a mess so she has good points, but it's also reasonable you would feel defensive.
YMMV-But said:
YTA If I follow this, your gf criticized your family because they have kids they can't afford, they dump those kids on grandma to watch instead of taking care of them themselves, they incur thousands of dollars debts they can't or don't pay, and they take on lots of pets that they don't train properly.
Those are all things that people can be criticized for! You don't disagree with any of this; you're just bothered that she said it out loud? She even apologized for saying it out loud. Your gf is not the problem here. She is merely pointing out the obvious. You are having a problem accepting the truth about your family and trying to put it on your gf.
DreMin015 said:
NAH. She isn’t wrong. She knows how bad it can get when you have unprepared parents. It sounds like your family is truly unprepared for a child, let alone more. Was she right for saying it the way she did? No. But she wasn’t doing it out of a place of hatred, in my opinion.
pretearedrose said:
YTA Honestly, I don’t see your point of view at all. She’s right, and I don’t understand why you’re so bitter and angry about it. These people are hella irresponsible and are basically abusing their kids.
Maineee05 said:
NAH. I can see where she’s coming from. It’s easier for someone that’s from outside the family to see the bigger picture. Based on your description, it is true that they don’t seem to be making a lot of smart decisions but hey, maybe there’s something else that you don’t know about.
She could be harbouring these feelings and thoughts for quite some time and the announcement of a new addition to what she thinks is a family that isn’t “ideal” set her off. It’s no one’s business but the family’s but we are all entitled to our own opinions and thoughts.
Maybe going on a huge rant was her way of calming down. She’s letting out rage that has been presumably bottled up for some time already.
UnknownSolder said:
NAH. She is an abused kid, unhappy with seeing more kids in situations of at least poverty and poor hygiene (sorry to put it that way but when you have dogs and dont train them that's what it is, let alone the health outcomes of having a parent who smokes).
You are in the clear as well, they are your loved ones and you can feel on their behalf. Dont turn a blind eye to actual neglect if it goes there in the end though. A soft spot for family and getting angry when someone points it out is exactly how childhood neglect goes uncorrected.
To answer a couple questions: Amy did smoke throughout her pregnancy. Haley has been in therapy for her own traumas for a couple of years now. So Haley and I had another talk, and we feel as though the situation is resolved. Btw, she does not know about this post. A lot of you guys really hit the nail on the head.
On her side of our convo, Haley said she doesn't look down upon my family (and honestly, she's just not that kind of person), she just gets frustrated sometimes watching the kids have to grow up in environments that are not ideal for them.
She's emotionally attached to my family (and really, really loves the dogs, haha), and the reason she got so heated was because she cares. Something she said verbatim was "it's not like I've been carrying around this giant resentment for them, I love them, today it just hit too hard".
On my end, I now understand where she's coming from. You guys helped bring me a lot more clarity on that. I guess I was in denial about my family, and I feel like I was being a bit of an ignorant baby about the situation. Just because they're my family and I love them doesn't mean I have to celebrate and turn a blind eye their poor decisions.