'AITA for being upset with my friend after she agreed to watch my cats but did the bare minimum?'

"AITA for being upset with my friend after she agreed to watch my cats but did the bare minimum?"

I planned a last-minute 4-day trip. My usual cat sitter was unavailable because of the holidays, so I asked a close friend of 10+ years if she could check on my cats, she lives 20 mins away from my place. I made it very clear at least three times that she could say no and I would cancel the trip if needed.

She repeatedly reassured me that it was absolutely fine, that she wanted me to travel and have fun, and that I shouldn’t worry. For context, we’ve been friends a long time. I’ve been the only consistent friend in her life, especially during hard times.

During her sudden divorce after a week of marriage, she stayed with me for over a week, I pampered her like a princess, covered all outings and meals, listened to her vent constantly, and fully supported her. She often calls me with problems and I always listen and show up. I mention this only to explain why I trusted her and felt safe asking.

I told her she didn’t need to come daily, just two days, since I’d be back on the last day. I have 8+ cameras, automatic feeders, over 10 bowls of extra dry food, +14 water bowls, and a water fountain. I have 4 cats."Later I realized I miscalculated and asked if she could do 3 days instead. She hesitated and said, “ok, but then you must travel with me next summer.”

That felt transactional, so I told her that’s irrelevant and that she didn’t have to do three days and that I would come back earlier instead. First visit was about 5 minutes. She called me multiple times to report that one cat threw up a hairball, which is normal, took photos of every vomit spot, and left. Second visit was about 15 minutes, she played with them a bit, texted that the litter box started smelling, and left.

I didn’t explicitly say “please scoop the litter box,” I only asked her to check if it smelled and explained how the water fountain works. When I came back, the house was a mess. Vomit was left in multiple places, the litter boxes were never cleaned, and most concerning, the regular water bowls that my cats prefer were completely empty. Only the fountain had been topped up.

She is not inexperienced with pets and has helped with one kitten before, so this felt less like ignorance and more like reluctant, bare-minimum effort. I also bought her some gifts from my trip like I always do, but now I honestly don’t even feel like giving them or continuing the friendship. AITA?

For the record, I did call her and give instructions on where the food is and everything else, not that I needed to, she stayed at my place many many times and I emphasized on the fact that if it was too much it would have been absolutely fine with me and I meant it + I can’t offer to pay her like I do with the cat sitter “around $180 a day” as it would be extremely insulting in our culture.

I don’t mind doing so at all, in fact I wanted to, but she would be extremely offended, friends don’t pay friends in our culture no matter what, we gift like crazy, we take them out for dinner, but never cash. Also, the cat vomit was just hairball, I do care so much for my cats, I take them to the vet for regular check ups even when there’s nothing to worry about, they’re my babies, not just cats.

My friend has experience with cats, but I do think it was my fault for not being very explicit with what I’m expecting, and I wouldn’t end the friendship for this one incident but I guess it was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Katvanwall wrote:

ESH.

TL;DR: You should have left more detailed/explict instructions, and she needed to use her brain/initiative a bit more! I don't own cats and never have, but my bf has two, so I know a little bit.

I had been visiting him regularly for a long time before I ever saw a puked hairball and I didn't know what it was at first and was concerned about the cat. If I'd been in your friend's shoes, I'd totally have done the same: 'I found this; what is it?' and sent photos. However, if you came back with 'oh it's just a hairball', I would have tried to clean it up.

No one wants to come back to a house with throw-up (or hairballs!) on the floor, it's not difficult to work that out and it's a courteous thing to do for a friend while you're there anyway!

But having said that, if I don't know where someone has their cleaning products (assuming they aren't in an obvious place like under the sink or in a bathroom cupboard) or I didn't know what product was safe to use on their floor, I might hesitate.

(I'm in the UK where a lot of people have carpet in their main lounge and stairs, and I wouldn't want to risk putting something bleachy on that and damaging it, nor on a nice hardwood floor - but I hope I could also use my common sense and at least use water and something mild to clean the worst of it up.)

When she said outright that the cat(s?) had vomited, I would have fallen over myself with apologies and asked her explicitly to clean it up, telling her which products/cloths are okay to use and where they are.

So that's kinda on you if you didn't; she might have assumed you didn't want her potentially smearing things around and making it worse (which is a bit dense as well but...maybe she isn't the brightest and needs steering; annoying but not a cardinal sin).

It sounds like the cats were okay with food but water bowls had not been topped up. But the fountain was? I am not very knowledgeable about cats but I know a lot of them prefer to drink from running water. And you have 14+ water bowls for 4 cats?! Confusing!

In that case I wouldn't know which to top up, if any, and I'd most likely just top up the fountain, thinking 'oh, cats tend to like running water better than sitting, so if they have water in here, they will be okay (and besides, they have the 12 other bowls of standing water if they prefer that)!' For litter, asking her to text you if the boxes start smelling is also an odd and potentially misleading thing to do.

Normally, even as a non cat owner, I would think scooping the litter box should be a daily task and a no-brainer - but that instruction might have thrown me for a loop as it sounds like the owner doesn't want a daily scoop to be the default but just to be kept informed, and when she did that, did you say 'then please scoop it'?

If not, I can't fully blame her; again, it sounds like she might be a little short in the brain department but not by her fault. Also, was it clear what to do with the scoopings?

As I've just realised, I wouldn't want to throw naked cat litter into the household bin but I'm not sure if my bf has any specific bags to put the cat poop in, like a roll of dog poo bags somewhere to double bag it! Your friend might not have wanted to risk stinking up your bin, and some people are funny about poo going in their outdoor bin as well.

Horror-Baker2853 wrote:

NTA, if someone agrees to pet sit while some one is away it seems pretty reasonable that they should clean up any messes, cat litter boxes and replenish water and food when needed. That is pretty much the absolute bare minimum.

Hell, I recently looked after my exe's dogs and did all of that even though I do not like him as a person anymore. I wanted to make sure the dogs had what they needed. So no, NTA. And if she didn't know how to refill the water fountain...Google and YouTube exists. Sorry, but your friend seems very incompetent as a person.

AshamedDragonfly4453 wrote:

YTA. When we go away, we leave detailed written instructions on what our cat does/doesn't need, even for friends who know the cat and have looked after her before. As they have lives and full-time jobs, I don't ask them to do more than short check-ins to top up food and water, and empty the tray if needed.

I don't expect anyone but me to clean up vomit!It sounds like she did what you asked her to do; if you wanted more, you should have said that up front. It's weird to get angry with someone for not doing things you didn't ask them to do.

whatisakafka wrote:

ESH it doesn’t sound like you left her clear instructions or communicated well what you wanted. Did you pay her for her time? She should have known to do basic things like fill the water, hence the ESH, but it sounds like you just assumed she’d empty the litter box but didn’t ask her to and she wasn’t clear what you expected.

jessiplaysims wrote:

I would have trouble getting past someone treating my loved ones like that. In fact, I would never look at them the same. NTA.