My (36F) husband (42m) is currently in Las Vegas for a National bowling tournament. He is there with his mom and her friends/folks from their bowling league. He is an avid bowler - bowls in a Tuesday night league, often in state tournaments and sometimes in National tournaments.
Typically I go with and sometimes bowl myself. This year, we decided I would not go, but stay home with our three boys (ages 4,8,10) due to heat and smoke in Vegas in July.
My husband and I have been married for 11 years. This is his second marriage. His first marriage failed because he walked in on his wife cheating on him with another man. I have never, not once, thought that he would ever be intimate with another woman while he was with me. He’s just not that type.
So, on to this trip. Typically when he goes on a trip without me (at least one a year given my job and time off requirements) he stays in a hotel room with his mom or our boys. Three nights ago, I was on FaceTime with him while he was in his hotel room. It was really nice and he was talking about possibly taking a nap for lack of sleep.
I asked if he had his room to himself (because that would have been awesome) and he said “oh no, (?) is sharing with me”. I asked him who that was, and he said something - I don’t remember - aside from “she”. I said “wait What?!?”
And then he went on to explain that he was supposed to share the room with his mom's boyfriend, but plans changed and now he is sharing the room with another woman on the trip.
He told me that I played cornhole with her last month at a get-together. I reminded him who I had played cornhole with (him and a girl, but not one with the name he was giving me - I have no idea who this woman is) at which point he got very confused.
He did not understand why I was upset or frustrated - so I dropped it because I did not want to deter from his time and his bowling. I know I should have asked how he would have felt if the roles were reversed - but I didn’t.
Partly because I didn’t want to fight (we hardly ever fight) while the kids were up, and partly because I didn’t want to hear him chalk it up to my imagination. I have hardly slept since that night, and my dreams have been chock full of worst case scenarios, and still I have not really brought it up again.
There have been a few occasions in which he has talked about taking naps and how lame he is in Vegas.
I have mentioned a few times - sort of sarcastically as a side, that he would be having more fun if he were sharing a room with me, or if I was there instead of his present company - but he has brushed it all aside. So here we are: he has spent the last three nights in a hotel room with a woman that is not me or his mother - AITA for being upset?
NTA for being upset. Your husband is sharing a hotel room with another woman, and this situation raises valid concerns and insecurities, especially given his past experience with infidelity.
While he may not have any ill intentions, it's understandable that you're feeling hurt and anxious. His confusion about your reaction and his dismissive attitude towards your concerns are not helpful and can further fuel your insecurity
NTA. You're not being unreasonable. It's totally weird that he's sharing a room with another woman. Talk to him about it.
I am married 38 years. I would sleep in the car or outside on the ground before sharing a hotel room with a woman other than my wife.
husband is coming home tonight and we will talk. I'm hoping its 82 year old grandma ;)
Ok, so I took some advice and grew "a backbone". I texted him a little while ago instead of waiting until he got home - he and our boys are leaving for another trip tomorrow morning (I could not get the time off of work) so I wanted to make sure we had the conversation fully before he left again.
Before I give the update, I wanted to make a couple of things clear:
I do trust my husband. He has never shown he would be the kind of person to cheat, and that is not what truly concerned me. Even though I did have some pretty unpleasant dreams. My issue was that he was not upfront and honest with me. If I had done the same thing, he would have lost his mind - understandably. This is why I started the original post with "he's just not that type".
We do generally have great communication - the issue here is that I like to have this kind of conversation face to face rather than over the phone. It's just not something I like to hash out while we are not in the same space. Obviously, in this situation, I should have made the exception, and have now done so.
Now, for the update: I texted him today to tell him that this situation has been bothering me for the last three days - I had questions and we needed to have this conversation. I asked who the woman was, how old she was and why didn't he tell me about the situation before I found out by accident.
There was a mixup with the rooms, something about someone not going so people were shuffled. He was paired with a woman about my age. He said he didn't think it would be a big deal and didn't want to inconvenience everyone else on the trip. He also said he did not want to upset me, which is why he didn't right out tell me about it.
He did tell me that I never had anything to worry about and he made sure they weren't in the room alone together aside from when they were sleeping. I know, I know - but I really do believe him on this.
I was honest with him and told him that if roles were reversed, out of respect for him, I would have called him right away to make sure he was ok with it. I told him that while I trust him implicitly, I should not have found out the way that I did. And he should not have blown off my concern.
I told him that the lack of upfront communication felt suspicious, regardless of intention or what actually happened. As for not upsetting me, I told him I would have understood and not been upset if he had just been honest.
He has apologized profusely. I told him next time to just communicate - he is adamant there will not be a next time.
So, call me naive if you want, but I am dropping it at this point. He will be home this evening and I intend on having a nice evening with him before I don't see him again for another two weeks.
Thank you for the advice - I cried it out when I found out her age, but getting this off my chest has been very relieving.
I am not handling this as well as I thought I was.
I had decided to let it go - I know he wasn’t doing anything with this other woman. You can disagree and call me crazy if you’d like - but I do know that.
However - as much as I have tried, I can’t get past the fact that he made the decision to do something he knew I wouldn’t be ok with, and not tell me about it. It all feels - just so messed up.
I have talked to a few of my co-workers (I don’t have really any friends that aren’t friends of his that I talk to on a regular basis - and there is no way I will talk to my family because that is a s%$# storm I can’t handle right now)
They are all shocked and more angry for me than I have let myself be (most of them know him, the kind of person he is and what ended his first marriage - he used to work at the same company).
We had less than 24 hours together before he, his mom and all three of my children took their trip to the other side of the United States. I have been sitting in my feels and will continue to do so until they get back - almost another week from now.
I was on the phone with them this evening before they went to bed, and one of the first things my husband said to me was: “I’m sharing a bed with a red head tonight”. And I almost came unglued before I realized he was talking about one of our boys (we have three sons). After a very long pause, I said “you better be talking about —-“ and I was so angry I don’t understand how he didn’t pick up on that.
Every conversation we have had has been short and to the point because I’m really just not interested in talking to him. I have been calling my oldest son, and talking with my boys instead. His mom hasn’t really said much to me - which makes me think he has said something to her. Which is fine of course - I really don’t care about that.
Bottom line is: I don’t know what to do. It is midnight at home, I tried to go to bed two hours ago and just could not stop sobbing - so I got up and let it go. It felt good to get it out but I know I need to talk to someone. I have support lines through work I can call, but won’t tonight - far too many drinks and I don’t want to bring that into it as well - but I will call tomorrow.
I know I should be upset and angry and not let it go. But I am afraid when I do talk to a professional they will say I’m blowing it out of proportion. I will still call, but I need to get my head straight first.
He is bicycling for seven days - over 400 miles - so as much as I want to tear him a new one right now (especially after his completely insensitive and clueless joke this evening) I have not. Because I want him home safe and sound.
Regardless of my feelings in this moment - the most important thing is that my children’s dad comes home safe so we can hash this out at least in the same city and not while he is 1,000 miles away. With his mom. And my children.
It’s not the suspected cheating, it’s the deliberate breaking of trust.
I would say it’s both. The breaking of trust surely leads to suspected cheating?
That joke is horrendous. He has no respect for you at all.
Valuable_Channel_522 OP responded:
It sure does feel that way right now.
Definitely too soon. NTA and good luck. Btw, if any professional tells you you're overreacting, I would be wary of them. You are 100% entitled to feel your feelings and be upset about this situation .
I can't tell from your two posts if you've really let him know how upset you are or not. If I were your husband, I'd be jumping through hoops right now to reassure you (although if I were your husband I never would have shared a hotel room with another woman).
Valuable_Channel_522 OP responded:
I did try to…I told him if I were in the same position that out of respect for him I would have told him and gotten my own room. But I also did not push it.
You are right, I have been “people pleasing” based solely on how much time we had together and what he had coming next. I should take a stand and tell him right now that I am not over it, but I can’t and won’t bring myself to do it until he is done with his race.
I have had too many nightmares of him not making it (like dying of heatstroke) leading up to this, that I just can’t. But I do agree that when he is safely on his way home, I should and will let him know what has been going on in my head.
I am sorry it has been a bit since I have updated - things have been....a lot. I am also sorry this post is very long....
My family came home a day early, so I took two extra days off of work to see them and figure things out with my husband. After we had unloaded and put everything away, we had dinner and watched a show. After putting the boys to bed, my husband and I went to our room. It was pretty clear he thought he was going to get lucky, because he was very confused when I turned the light on.
I told him that I had questions and I needed him to answer them. He was hesitant but agreed. I asked him who this woman is, how old and is she married. I still don't know who she is, but he did confirm she is YOUNGER than me, and not married.
I then asked who made the decision he would be sharing a room with her. He said that his mom said it would be really great if they shared so she could spend the three nights with her boyfriend/not boyfriend.
I asked him why he didn't tell me about it, he said he was just so tired and had had such a long day he didn’t think about it. (conflicting with his earlier: I didn't want to upset you...). He said that he didn't think I would ever question his intentions so why would he think he would have to tell me.
I told him it wasn't about questioning his intentions or fidelity, it's that what they did was completely inappropriate and disrespectful to me and our marriage. And at the absolute very least, he should have sent me a quick text explaining the situation. I also told him that his mom is not always right.
He apologized profusely, said he shouldn't have put his mom before me, he didn't think it would be a thing because he would never try to hurt me and he thought I knew that. All the things. And we honestly talked it out and worked through things for a solid few hours. We came to a really good place and connected for the first time in a long while.
Then he went to work the next day - which hurt because I didn't really have the time to be calling in, I am severely behind at work - but I did anyway because I wanted to do the right thing for us and to take care of us.
But because he just spent two weeks going all over the country doing something super fun and now he is super behind in his job, he couldn't afford to take anymore time off. So that really hurt - but I let it go because he really was behind and I at least had the boys that I got to catch up with.
That day my mom called to see what we were doing for my birthday which was two days away. I had honestly forgotten about it with everything, so I told her I didn't know and asked if my husband had called her. She said he had not. So I told her I would let her know when we came up with a plan.
That night, I asked him if he had a plan, and he said "oh I don't know, what do you want to do?". And that really really hurt, but I let it go because we have had so much going on. I told him it would be great if we had a BBQ and he invited people and got the groceries and he agreed.
I specifically asked if he would call my mom. He did get some of the groceries, but not all of them. And he did surprise me with a cake. But that was it. I ended up inviting everyone last minute, having to apologize along the way, and had to go to the store twice to get the rest of the things we needed.
At the party, he started showing our friends the pictures from his trip - pictures I haven't even seen yet. I was so mad, upset, frustrated. He didn't catch on. So then it came time for gifts - his was a card game and a backrub. I felt like I was just slapped in the face.
To be clear: I don't place a high value on gifts - if you get me something great, if you don't, that's fine. But he didn't get me anything for Mother's Day, but I got him a whole slew of things for Father's day for his trip and an xbox game he wanted. (I also planned each of those days by myself).
And he just went to the other side of the country, and all he thought to grab for me was a card game? I didn't want to fight in front of our friends, so I let it be. I didn't really expect more than that anyway - but it still hurt.
Then I went back to work and things were...meh. Anything he did irritated me. Anything his mom did irritated me. I was getting so frustrated and sad and angry and just not myself.
Then I had a medical issue (something that pokes it's little head back up every five years like clock work, but I had been ignoring because of everything going on) come back and I went to our urgent care to take care of it. But I had to take care of all sorts of things first so that me going to the dr. didn't hamper my husbands day, so I was really irritated in the morning.
It didn't help that his mom came over and I just can't handle her right now. It also didn't help that he told me that morning about all the plans he had come up with for our sons birthday in a few weeks. I was mad at myself for being upset (i should be stoked my husband is thinking about our son and wanting to give him a great birthday party) but I was so deflated and sad and angry in that moment.
But he had to go to work so I left it alone. So before I went, I sent him a text apologizing for being irritated. I told him that I'm not in a good place mentally or physically and am really struggling. He asked how he could help, and I responded that I really didn't know. And then I saw the dr. and he referred me to surgery. This will be the third time I have had surgery for this.
I was so frustrated and sad and hurt, I decided to just put it all out there. And since he can't seem to find the time to actually talk to me, I texted him a novel. Laying out everything that is on my mind. The trip, my birthday, him not taking time, my sons birthday, all of it.
After an hour he had not responded, so I sent him another text saying that maybe he could just tell me I'm not crazy and we will get through this together, or something like that at least. He responded to that saying that he loves me and has lots to say but can't say it over the phone.
So then I went to work and did the things. I felt a little better he didn't discredit all of my frustrations so things were...ok. That night he called to tell me he loved me and was going to take the next day off to spend with me (it was also my day off). I was pretty darn stoked.
The next day I asked him what were the things he wanted to say. And he said he didn't want to say it in front of the kids. So then that I night I asked him again, and he said that we have been having such a great day, he didn't want to ruin it and me get all emotional so he wasn't going to say it then.
I felt like I had just been punched in the gut. So wait - you have been so nice since I texted you, but now I'm going to be sad and upset? What is going on? It is now the next day, and I just asked him again. He completely blew me off and went to town to pick up our son from camp.
I am at a loss. I don't know what to do. I can only ask him to talk to me so many times. He doesn't share his thoughts or emotions often, but I would think he would do it now right? I don't know what to do.
I just wanted to write a comment to you OP and express my empathy for your situation, and for the hurt and confusion you are feeling. It’s clear your husband isn’t being a very forthcoming communicator and is (at minimum) sending you some very mixed messages, and information that doesn’t quite add up.
You mentioned in a previous update that you had an opportunity to reach out to a professional through your work- but were afraid the professional would think you were blowing things out of proportion (or in my own words: invalidate your experience and your feelings).
As a professional counselor, while I cannot speak for everyone- I would absolutely encourage you to reach out FOR YOU. They should never “minimize” what you are going through and how you are feeling.
Valuable_Channel_522 OP responded:
Oh my gosh, thank you so much for your kind and understanding reply! I have made a few calls with no responses yet and quite a few say they are not taking new clients. Keeping my fingers crossed though - I do agree, I need an outside perspective.
holy s^%$, you're not even an afterthought to this guy. You're don't have any importance in his life. You're just there. He'll just tell you stuff to get you off his case and then just keep ignoring you.
Valuable_Channel_522 OP responded:
That is definitely how I feel.
I think that woman on the trip was more important than he’s letting on. His mother would not be welcome in my house again until she apologizes to my face. No more trips alone for any reason for a very long time. He needs to have consequences and you’re letting him coast. He’s trying to wait you out.
The amount of times you wrote “it hurt, but I let it go.” Your husband sucks. NTA.