'AITA for being upset my MIL replaced our silverware and towels without asking us?' UPDATED 2X

"My MIL replaced our silverware and bath towels with out my knowledge and my husband said I was ungrateful."

I (F30) and my husband (M35) welcome our first baby a few months ago. Since our baby was born, my MIL (who lives out of state)has been visiting us once a month to help out, give my husband and I an opportunity to have a small date night etc. We don’t live near any family, so her coming out has been really helpful and we have felt incredibly supported throughout the transition to parenthood.

When she left the last time she visited, I noticed that all our silverware (the silverware was a family heirloom from my grandma) was no longer in our drawer, and our bath towels were replaced with ones I did not purchase myself. When I asked my husband where the silverware went,and where the bath towels were. He said that his mom thought we needed new silverware and towels so she “gifted” us new ones.

I got pretty upset, mostly about the silverware because it’s from my grandma. He says I’m being ungrateful and that his mom was trying to help and give us nice things. It’s not that I don’t appreciate her kindness, but to go into my drawers and closet and replace things without me even knowing feels violating and now I will never be able to pass my grandma’s silverware onto my own children.

The silverware wasn’t perfect but I would have liked to keep it… even if just in storage and only use it for special events. I think if she wanted to give us a gift, she should have wrapped it and let us decide if I wanted to completely replace things or just add it to what we already had. Am I being ungrateful?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

Good_Fan663 said:

Call her and find out where your grandmother’s silverware is! "It’s not that I don’t appreciate her kindness, but to go into my drawers and closet and replace things without me even knowing feels violating… I think if she wanted to give us a gift, she should have wrapped it and let us decide if I wanted to completely replace things or just add it to what we already had." You are spot on with this and should talk to her.

OP responded:

My husband said she donated it to goodwill. I agree I should confront her, but I’m not sure I’m 100% comfortable since she is not my own mom. I think my husband should talk to her and tell her I’m upset but he just thinks I’m ungrateful.

AKA_June_Monroe said:

Heirloom silverware?! You should have called the police! Oh my goodness I can't believe that your husband is siding with his mother. Do not have another child with this man. Your reaction makes it sound like you're just defeated. I am absolutely furious and I don't even know you.

OP responded:

This isn’t the first time that I feel like my items are not up to her standard. She once bought me a new purse because the one I was using “didn’t exactly match my outfit.” (Her words not mine) but at least that time she didn’t get rid of my purse. She gives ALOT of very expensive gifts.

I was not raised ever having expensive things or even having expensive taste. I always thank her for her gifts, even if they aren’t exactly my style (which they often aren’t). I make a point to wear the clothes she buys me or the use the purse she gave me when she is around. I have told my husband this, and he says her love language is giving gifts. I just don’t feel like she thinks my items are good enough.

murphy2345678 said:

Time for grandma to stay home for a while until she learns that throwing away your family heirlooms is a big no no! Your husband is an AH because he is making excuses for his mom over his wife’s feelings. Call her and ask her where’s your grandmas silverware.

[deleted] said:

You’re not ungrateful. She’s rude and overstepping and your husband is her puppet. If you want to get the point across, you have options. My personal favorites would be to throw out either his underwear or socks, whichever he is more picky about. Replace them with something similar-ish.

If he likes boxers, buy him briefs or thongs. They’re still underwear and serve the same purpose, right?! He should be grateful! He likes a certain type of beer with the boys? Get rid of his beers in the fridge and replace them with a different beer. Still beer, right? He should be thankful! His favorite sweatshirt from college, surely he needs a new one of those, too!

Dept-of-Crazy said:

Is he saying you should be grateful for her disposing of your family silverware that was handed down to you? How does that sound exactly? “Thanks so much for throwing out the silverware my grandma passed down to me that I was going to pass down to my kids.”

And OP responded:

Exactly. I don’t even know what to say or how he would want me to react. I guess that is what he wants me to react. I’m not saying I don’t appreciate gifts but this was NOT presented as a gift at all.

She later shared this first update:

I confronted both my husband and MIL. Told them they got rid of something Very special to me. My husband still thinks I should express my gratitude for my MIL getting us new silverware.

In the past my husband and I have discussed getting new silverware and he thinks his mom was just helping make that happen, however he agreed to try to get my grandma’s silverware back, but thinks I should thank my MIL For the new set.

I told him It’s not that I am not thankful for the “gift” it’s how she crossed a boundary that bothered me. As for my mother in law, I told her she needs to not get rid of my item, that in the future if she wants to give us a gift that she can only give it to us and I will decide it I need to get rid of something. I told my husband he needs to set boundaries with his mom and he said he “would try.” We will see…..

She then shared this second update:

My husband was successfully able to get my silverware back. We had a lengthy discussion and I laid out my boundaries with his mom. I told my husband that now that he is married to me, my feelings have to be his priority.

He admitted that in his culture his mom would be considered the matriarch of the family, so to go against something his mom did would be considered disrespectful and she had good intentions but poor execution.

He understands now how inappropriate his mom’s actions were and promised to never allow something like that happen again. I told him I am grateful for his mom’s help and appreciate the gifts she does give us, but next time she needs to just give it as a normal gift. He agreed. Only time will tell if he means it and if she will abide by my boundaries…..