I will admit, I was never the best father to my oldest son, Josh. When he was little, I was an alcoholic and fought with his mother constantly. Never anything physical, but he grew up with a lot of yelling and arguing and unfortunately finding me passed out in a drunken stupor many times. When he was about 5, I had an affair with another woman which eventually lead to a child being born.
I ended up leaving my wife and starting a family with her and the child I had with her, Ben. It was then when I found god and got sober. Got a good job opportunity and moved a few states over. I tried to see Josh as much as I could, usually a few times a year and some holiday’s.
My ex-wife was nothing but supportive about him visiting me, I just wish I could have done it more. My ex remarried a few years later to a nice man, and I know he and Josh got very close over the years.
For Christmas when Josh was 15, he came to visit me, my wife and his brother. It was then he had came out to me as gay – and I did not react the way I should have. At that point in my life, I had found Christianity and it was tethered to keeping me sober – and unfortunately I bought into a lot of the anti-gay sentiments my local church used to preach.
I don’t visit that church anymore. For about two years we cut contact but I came to realization that I was wrong and I begged my son for forgiveness. He forgave me and we tried to regain the father/son relationship, although the distance being a few hours away didn’t help. We still would only see each other a couple times a year.
My son is now 21 and for this last Father’s Day, he surprised his step dad with a legal name change, changing his last name to match his step father’s. When I heard this, my feelings were crushed. He had not even contacted me for Father's Day. I knew that he and his step dad were close but I didn't think he would ever change his name.
The next time I saw him, I asked him about it – why he didn’t at least give me a heads up. He told me that while he does forgive me for my past actions; he does not see me as a father figure and that his step father was always there for him. When I mentioned that he now didn’t have the same last name as his brother, he said he didn’t really care about that as he and his brother admittedly are not close.
I was crushed and angry. I contacted my ex and told he how upset I was with this and how I would have appreciated a heads up from her. She said she had nothing to do with his decision and that he came to her having already decided to change his name.
I feel really bitter and resentful; I don’t even know where my relationship with my son will go from here now. I know I wasn’t the best father but I don’t know if I really deserve this? I feel like I should have had a heads up he was changing his name, instead of hearing about it after the fact. AITA here?
WhiteJadedButterfly said:
YTA. You reap what you sow, your son has every reason not to see you as his father, and he probably doesn’t want anything to do with you, including not wanting your name.
MrJeanPoutine said:
YTA. Shared DNA doesn't make you an actual father. Biologically, you're his father and always will be -- but biologically only. But as an actual father, someone who has always been there for him (amongst other things that make good fathers), you're clearly not one to him.
You must be familiar with the proverb, "you reap what you sow". While you have turned your life around, it was too late for your son. And it's not a question of what you deserve -- it's a question of what he wants and how he sees you, his biological father and the man he considers to be his actual father.
If you hang onto your resentment, the little sliver of hope you may in retaining any sort of relationship will be forever gone.
spoonfullofrage said:
YTA. You have been pretty much the worst dad at evety turn in the relationship, and you should count yourself lucky that he is still talking to you. I sure as hell wouldn't. Whatever 'headsup' or 'say' you may have had you already flushed down the drain yourself with your a-hole behaviour, bigotry, rejection and abandonment. Let's not add "entitlement" to that list, shall we?
rocketship6097 said:
YTA. It sounds like you put him through a lot (alcoholism, absent father, homophobic at a crucial moment for him) and perhaps through that time his step father was there for him and supported him. To face rejection when coming out as gay from anybody must have been hard for 17 year old Josh but from his own father must have been crushing.
It sounds like he’s already forgiven you for more than I would have. He doesn’t owe you anything and if he wants to change his name to his stepfathers name- good on him! I think you should be grateful he has had a strong male role model in his life who obviously supported him where you did not.
And Pterodactyl_Noises said:
“I don’t know if I really deserve this.” Let’s break it down, shall we?
Did your son deserve:
– an alcoholic father?
– a childhood full of arguing and instability?
– to discover his father incapacitated multiple times?
– to be abandoned at age 5?
– whatever bigoted BS you spouted at him?
– to be let down at every turn by you?
Josh deserved none of that, but you hurt him anyway. You, sir, deserve much worse. You should be thankful to Josh’s wonderful parents (mom & stepdad) for raising such a forgiving, magnanimous man that still tries to have a relationship with you at all. YTA.
Reading the replies has really opened my eyes. My anger and resentment is misplaced and is coming from a place of complete guilt. I'm not angry or resentful of my son, I'm angry at myself for my past actions but my ego is making it feel otherwise. I'm currently writing a letter to my son's step father thanking him for being there for my son.
I'm also going to apologize to my ex for blaming her for this because that was not right. I never brought any of this up to my son - after he gave me his explanation I stayed quiet. I know I've been a terrible father for most of his life - I hope even if he doesn't see me as a father figure, we can have a good relationship as an adult.
He is a very thoughtful and forgiving person and I'm lucky he has given me multiple chances after many many screw-ups to still be apart of his life. I'm not going to mess it up again. Thank you.