'AITA for being upset that my BF hasn’t checked on me after my surgery?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for being upset that my boyfriend hasn’t checked on me after my surgery and constantly ignores my needs and wants?"

Disclaimer: I’m currently still recovering from surgery and on a lot of medication, so I’m in quite a bit of pain and not thinking as clearly as usual. I apologize if anything comes across confusing, jumbled, or not perfectly structured, I’m doing my best to explain everything as accurately as I can.

I (21F) have been with my boyfriend (22M) for 13 months. From early in the relationship, I noticed he rarely puts effort into my wants or needs. For example, I asked him if he could be my first New Year’s kiss. He said “sure,” but then ignored me the whole night and fell asleep instead.

On my 21st birthday this year, he completely forgot to wish me happy birthday until his mom reminded him. He also chose not to come to my birthday party, even though it mattered to me and marked one year since we met. He just “wasn’t in the mood.”

Recently, things got worse. On Thursday night, we argued because he barely communicates, seems distant, and puts little effort into the relationship. I told him how hurt I was, and he basically said, “We’ll talk when you’re in a better mood,” which felt dismissive. So I obviously ignored him after that.

The next morning (the day of my wisdom teeth surgery) he called me at 7:30am, waking me up when I was trying to rest. He was rude and immediately brought up the fight. I reminded him I had surgery, and he said, “Oh yeah, I forgot. Good luck with that,” and ended the call without a goodbye. He later texted “good luck with the surgery love you” (literally without the “I”), which felt careless.

As I was being rolled into surgery, he called again. My mom answered and he politely asked her to update him. She agreed and gave him updates throughout the day. The surgery ended up being rough. I had a bad allergic reaction to one of the medications, so my pain and swelling were much worse than normal. I posted an update on my WhatsApp status for friends and family.

He didn’t respond to it, didn’t message me privately, didn’t ask if I was okay, nothing. Should I have given him a separate update?

Earlier that week, I had asked if he could visit me after the surgery, even just for a few minutes after work. I wasn’t asking for a long visit, just some reassurance and care. I would’ve done that for him without hesitation.

And I have: when he accidentally drilled a hole through his hand months ago, I pushed my studies aside and drove him to multiple doctors to make sure he was okay( it was only a 2 day pause but still, I'm doing 2 degrees at once) I put everything on hold for him, so I genuinely don’t understand why he can’t do even a small amount of that for me.

It’s now Sunday night. The surgery was on Friday. He still hasn’t checked on me at all, even after my mom updated him. One of my friends even messaged him asking if he was okay because she assumed something serious must’ve happened for him to ignore me like this. He just said he was fine and didn’t bother reaching out afterward. I feel hurt and confused.

I don’t think it’s wrong to expect my boyfriend to show basic care, especially after a medical procedure, but now I’m wondering if I’m overreacting. AITA for being upset that he hasn’t checked on me at all and generally puts no effort into our relationship? Also, what should I do moving forward? I’m open to advice and outside perspectives.

This is what people had to say to OP:

immediateallaboutme said:

You might have just lost your wisdom teeth, but you seem to be getting wiser. He is just not that into you. Be done. Love doesn't hurt like that.

StrikingMeringue2474 said:

NTA, babes. Babes. You are UNDERreacting, okay? Like… you are underreacting so violently that I am very concerned. You deserve someone who panics when you sneeze, not someone who forgets you’re in surgery twice. Get out, my love. Glow up, walk away, and let him figure out how to live without the best thing that ever happened to him.

curiousyara said:

NTA he just keeps you around for your attention, he doesn't deserve you at all.

nazuswahs said:

So, from early in the relationship you noticed he doesn’t care about you. Why have you stuck with him? Are you so desperate you allow yourself to be treated this way?

Distinct_Parfait5810 said:

Please do not invest anymore into a relationship with him. When you are in the right situation you will not have to force anyone. Cut your ties and move on. You deserve better. NTA.

The next day, OP shared this update:

I want to start by clearing up a few assumptions I’ve seen. A lot of people said I must not respect myself, or that I stayed because I was desperate for attention. But that’s not the case. He wasn’t always like this. There were genuinely good parts in this relationship. Nothing in life is 100% bad, and that’s why it can be so hard to see the shift as it’s happening.

But over time, every time something serious happened, every time something actually mattered, he cared less and less. The bigger the issue was, the more he prioritized literally anything else. That slow decline doesn’t happen in one moment; it creeps up, and then suddenly you’re standing there realizing you’re begging for the bare minimum.

And this weekend crossed a line that you simply cannot come back from if you want a healthy, supportive partner. I will definitely not be continuing this relationship, regardless of whatever excuse he gives later. He could’ve asked “Are you okay?” at any point. He didn’t. That tells me everything.

Just to clarify: my original post was never about whether I should stay or leave. I already knew I was leaving. My question was whether I was justified in being upset. Because yes, he treated me horribly, and yes, he made it painfully obvious I’m not a priority, no matter what he tries to claim. That’s why I’m done.

A lot of people have been asking for an update. Honestly, I literally woke up right before writing this, and all he sent this morning was a very dry “morning.” Nothing more. I haven’t replied yet, partly because I’m not fully awake, and partly because… what would I even say to that?

Meanwhile, a friend of mine also messaged him this morning. For context, she’s the one who introduced us. She told him straight up that the way he treated me this weekend was embarrassing.

Her message basically said: I went in for surgery, had complications, and he couldn’t even send a basic “Are you okay?” That for someone to mean so little to you that checking in feels like “too much effort,” that says everything. That I have shown up for him repeatedly, shifting plans, making time, driving him around when he was hurt, and he still couldn’t take five minutes to see me after work.

And that this wasn’t “bad communication” or “forgetfulness.” It was zero care, and everyone around me can see that. She also told him that when you ignore someone at the moments that actually matter, you’re not treating them like a partner, you’re treating them like baggage. And she finished by saying that if this is how he treats someone who truly cared about him, he’s going to end up very lonely.

His whole response? “OK.” And that pretty much confirms everything. To address another point: I’ve seen a few comments calling me the asshole to myself for staying as long as I did.

And honestly? I understand that perspective. But like I said, it wasn’t always like this. People change, priorities shift, and sometimes you don’t realize how bad things have gotten until you’re already in the middle of it. But I hear you, and I get it.

To everyone else: Thank you. Truly. Thank you for the supportive comments, the reality checks, the encouragement, and the kindness. Thank you for confirming that I wasn’t overreacting and that if anything, I was underreacting. And thank you to everyone who wished me a safe and smooth recovery.

It means more than you know. I’ll update again once I’ve decided whether or not to reply to him, and once that conversation (the inevitable tea) actually happens. For now, I’m just focusing on healing, both physically and emotionally.

One week later, OP shared this final update:

Hi everyone, here’s the final update on the whole situation. After the original post, he and I ended up arguing because he didn’t understand why I could post a WhatsApp status but “couldn’t send him a direct message” after surgery. I told him straight up: Why should I personally update someone who clearly didn’t care in the first place?

I had to remind him multiple times about my surgery, he forgot it the morning of, and he didn’t check in on me once afterward. If he wanted to know, he could have responded to the status like every single other friend and family member did.

Instead, he made it about my “priorities.”

Then he sent me a long essay about how “our priorities don’t align anymore” and that I “deserve someone who treats me better.” To me, that was basically him saying: “I’m not willing to change for you. You’re not important enough for me to try.” And honestly? That level of disrespect told me everything I needed to know. So I told him to just let me know when he wants to pick up his stuff so we can end things officially.

…and then, with my luck, I landed in the hospital.

I developed an infection from the surgery and had to be admitted for 3–4 days.

Got released Saturday afternoon, infection is now cleared, and stitches will hopefully come out this Friday. When I got home on Saturday, I messaged him asking if he could drop off my things, my clothes, the mattress he used (because he didn’t have a bed), and my bicycle (which he used when his car didn’t work).

He left me on read.

Not surprised. Just disappointed.

Sunday, I went to his house myself. His parents were visiting. They’re honestly amazing, sweet people and were genuinely worried about me. They asked how I was feeling, how the surgery went, how the hospital stay was, and it hit me hard:

How can the people who barely know me care more than the person who was supposed to love me?

I gave him most of his clothes back, but I kept some shoes and things as collateral because he “couldn’t” give me my mattress or my bicycle back. Apparently he lent my belongings to someone else. (Why would you lend something that's not yours??)

I told him clearly: You’ll get the rest of your stuff when I get mine.

The whole time he kept saying “sorry,” but couldn’t explain what he was sorry for. I told him I don’t believe him anymore, his apologies never come with change. And an apology without change is manipulation.

I didn’t say goodbye to him. I said goodbye to his parents and left.

And today… the ego continues. We’re going camping in two weeks. I NEED my mattress and my bike, there are bike trails, and I obviously need something to sleep on.

I messaged him politely asking for my things before the weekend.

He blue-ticked me. Again.

At this point I’m convinced his ego is just shattered and fragile as hell. He’s acting like ignoring me is some kind of power move. Meanwhile I’m literally just trying to get my own belongings back.

There might be another update depending on how the mattress/bike situation goes, but this is where things stand now.

The important part: The infection is cleared, I’m healing well, and the pain is finally becoming manageable.

And emotionally? I’m honestly relieved. This breakup needed to happen months ago.