'AITA for upsetting my mom because I told her she has two families?'

"AITA for upsetting my mom because I told her she has two families?"

My mom has been married twice and has two sets of kids. She has my sisters and me (22f, 20f and 18f) with our dad. He died when we were younger. I'm also the middle child so her 20 year old. A few years after dad died, mom remarried and had more kids (10m, 7f and 5m).

When she remarried, she hoped we would be one big family and that we would love him like a dad and love our half siblings like we loved each other as sisters. But we didn't love her husband like a dad, we didn't accept him as a father figure either and we don't have a loving relationship with our half siblings.

We're not huge jerks about it. We're nice to her husband and our half siblings. We don't treat them like crap or go out of our way to be cruel about the fact we don't love him like a dad or see the kids like we see each other. But to mom it's still very disappointing because she doesn't like feeling like she has two families. Her family with our dad and her family with her current husband.

What brought this to our current issue is my younger sister moved out and mom was disappointed because she had hoped we'd want to stay home longer. My older sister moved out at 18. Then I did. Now my younger sister. I know she said before that when we spent more time with her husband as adults our opinions or feelings would change. But then we didn't live there to do that.

She brought it up to me in a phone call last week and she was saying how awful it is to feel like she has two families. Then she went on a tangent about she has a blended family not two but the three of us moving out at 18 and not even living part time at home as adults felt very much like we were drawing that line and she said she didn't want that.

She said we're all one family and dad being dead doesn't mean she had a separate family before. I told her she might not want that but it is what she has. She has a family with dad and a family with her husband. I told her it doesn't mean she was wrong or that we hate her or him.

But she does have two families and that's okay. It happens. I told her it's not like we were ever rude about it and she said we didn't have to be rude for it to be wrong. It upset her a lot and she was crying on the phone to me. She told me her best friend growing up lost her dad and when her mom remarried she loved him like a dad and still calls him dad today.

She asked why we couldn't be that and I told her because we just weren't and that everyone is different when they lose a parent. Our call ended after that but mom is still upset. She spoke to my sisters and they were telling me how depressed she sounded. They asked what we talked about and I told them.

They said mom will surely get over it after a couple of days. But she hasn't and I know she is deeply upset because she knows her oldest kids all consider themselves to be her first family and not her family with her husband. AITA?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

snitchwitch378 said:

nta. I think you worded things very well, and while I understand she’s sad, it honestly sounds to me like she needs to maybe go to therapy and work through those feelings herself. that is not your job to deal with, and i really don’t like the way she’s trying to guilt it on you. My mom I very similar in that instance and the times we’ve told her to go to therapy…it would really be the healthiest option.

She’s not an ah for hoping for a blended family, but as you said things just don’t always work out that way, and i think she needs to learn to regulate herself and learn to live with the reality. otherwise she will only push you guys further away.

pinekneedle said:

NTA. Adult children move out. Thats what is supposed to happen. Your Mom shouldn’t be guilting any of you for wanting to create your own lives. As for your relationship with your stepfather and half siblings…that may grow in time …or not. She can’t and shouldn’t try to force it.

Informal_Mistake_662 said:

NTA. And it's not "wrong" that you and your siblings don't see the new husband as a dad, it just is. It's not what she hoped for, but it's not wrong. It is wrong to try to force that expectation onto you and guilt you about it.

KronkLaSworda said:

NAH. You shared your truth with her. While it's the first time it was probably spoken out loud with her, she had to have a general idea that this was the case for the oldest 3. She can have her dreams of a perfectly blended family, but that doesn't mean it's reality.

myceliummoon said:

NTA. Your mom is justified in feeling the way she does, but you can't control life or other people. Sometimes things just don't work out how you hope, and that can be sad, but it's also okay. This isn't a conversation she should be having with her children. It sounds like your mom would benefit from a therapist to help her grieve and come to terms with reality.

Bibliophile_w_coffee said:

NTA. If she wanted a blended family she should have made sure y'all accepted and loved this man before she married him, she didn’t. Then she should have made sure yall felt a close step parent relationship before having kids, again, she didn’t. This is her own making.