'AITA for wanting to use the hallpass my wife gave me 5 years ago?'
"AITA for wanting to use the hallpass my wife gave me 5 years ago?"
My wife (35F) and I (35M) have been married for 10 years. We have 2 children (9F, 7M). 5 years ago, I found out that my wife had an affair. I felt crushed and numb because I loved my wife a lot. Her affair partner told me about it when my wife called it off. The affair lasted 1 month, and my wife had called it off because she felt really guilty about it.
When I confronted my wife about it, she was very remorseful and didn’t deny anything. She said she’d do anything, follow any reconciliation steps I asked, and just begged to not breakup our family. I asked her why she cheated, and she gave no excuses, and she just said it was for the thrill.
My first reaction was to divorce but after sitting on it for a week, I decided to just stick it out for our family, and because I still loved my wife. My wife was very thankful, and she even told me I had a hallpass I could use whenever I wanted.
Over the next year or so, my wife followed the reconciliation steps, which included therapy, getting sober, quitting her job, and a bunch of other things. I had forgiven my wife but I could never forget it, I would occasionally just replay in my mind my wife cheating on me, and that always hurt a lot.
Fast forward to today, and my family is doing great. However, I have a struck a friendship with Melissa (32F) who I met at a bookstore. We had common interests in books for existentialism, metaphysics, and similar books. I don’t know how, but when we met, we just clicked.
We initially met every week at the bookstore to just discuss books and life, but we started talking more about our personal life and we then started going on coffee dates and brunches. One more thing we had in common was that Melissa too was married to her husband who had cheated on her many years ago.
It’s been almost a year since I met her, and Melissa has made it upfront that she has very strong feelings for me, and that she’s never had these feelings for anyone else ever in her life.
I too have a lot of feelings for her but I feel guilty about it so I haven’t told her about them yet. I haven’t crossed any physical boundaries and I don’t intend to (we only hug and hold hands). But I do want to explore more of emotional connection to her, because I’ve never felt like this ever.
I remember that my wife gave me a hallpass 5 years ago when she cheated on me. Would I be the AH to use that hallpass to explore the emotional connection I have with Melissa?
Here's what people had to say about OP's moral dilemma:
A hall pass is for a one night stand with someone you’re attracted to. But that’s it. A hall pass is NOT to deepen an emotional connection you have with someone.
I would just tell your wife you want a divorce because chances are your wife will ask you for one when you tell her about Melissa. She’s definitely going to find out that this is someone you’re already in love with. Just be honest and say that you never really forgave/forgot the affair and that you want a divorce.
Because chances are, if you do use your hall pass with Melissa, you’ll probably want to end things with your wife, since you and Melissa already have feelings for each other. She doesn’t seem like someone you want to just use for sex and never see again. You know, like how hall passes usually work.
And honestly it’s clear to see that you never really got over your wife’s affair**, or you wouldn’t be holding onto the idea being able to cash in a hall pass five years later.
**Not that you or anyone needs to get over an affair by any means. I just mean that you didn’t truly forgive her, or you wouldn’t feel the need to do the same to her. Even if she said you could because deep down, I’m sure she didn’t really mean that. No one is truly ok with giving their partner a pass to sleep with whoever they want.
I wonder if Melissa’s husband knows. They’re both cheaters
Edit: the post says Melissa “was” married. Melissa still isn’t a good person. Her ex husband cheated and sabotaged their marriage and now she’s OPs affair partner despite knowing how much cheating messes up marriages.
To be honest, he is having an emotional affair already. Can't blame him, though, and I agree he should just leave his wife. He should have left when she first cheated but meh, live and learn.
An emotional affair is still an affair. You don't get to claim a moral high ground just because you didn't f___ them. 🤷🤷
Not only that he’s tiptoeing to physical, hugging and holding hands? 😂 what is this middle school get outta here.
I hug everyone but I’ve never held hands with a friend lol