"AITA for using a disabled person for my 'own benefit'?"
So I (18F) took ASL lessons in HS, but up until now I’ve never had a Deaf friend. This year I started college, and there’s a Deaf-mute person in my class. He uses an interpreter during lessons.
Everyone has been nice to him, but no one really tried to get to know him or actually befriend him, so he wasn’t very close with anyone. (I’m not judging them for that, had I not already taken ASL in high school, I probably wouldn’t have learned just for him either.)
But after I told him I knew some ASL and started signing with him, we naturally got close. Since September, I’ve been signing with him almost daily, and my signing has gotten sooooooo much better!!
Anyway, about week ago, he suggested that I start taking ASL lessons again, and I joked “that’s what you’re for!”
It was absolutely a joke, like i laughed right after as I signed it, but maybe because my signing was off (idk) he took it seriously and got offended.
I apologized and explained it was just a joke. He said he understood and even apologized for getting upset in the first place. He acted a bit distant for a couple days more but eventually got over it, and we’re completely fine now.
But today, one of my other friends told me that he said he noticed Nolan and I had been a bit distant lately, and asked if everything was alright. I told him we had a little fight, “but don’t worry we’re completely fine now.”
But for some reason, he wouldn’t let it go!! First he made jokes like “there’s some truth in every joke” which I laughed off, but then he said something like “I knew you wouldn’t hang with a guy like him for no reason.”
I was like: ???? Excuse me?
I told him that was such a rude thing to say, and he said it was the truth.
I called him out for being a bigot AH, and an ableist, which I guess got under his skin, because he snapped back at me, and said I’m not one to talk that, I’m worse than him, and that I’m “taking advantage of a disabled guy” and “using him for my own benefit.” AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Sounds as if perhaps large parts of your conversations consist of you learning to sign better (with no ill intent on your side but probably with a lot of "so how does one sign this? Oh thanks, so as I was saying...um... I don't really know the sign for (whatever) yet... I see, thanks, yeah so....).
He seems to be tired of that and probably just wants some relaxed chatting without having to be in teacher mode all the time, so he suggested you start taking lessons again to shift the constant teaching from your conversations. And when you said "that's what you are for", he got (understandably) angry that you only seem to be interested in the part of your interactions that he is not enjoying.
The level of emotional intelligence it takes to glean this from the post is something I aspire to have some day. Perfect explanation and reading between the lines based on the reaction by Nolan.
YTA. Not because you're "using" your Deaf friend to learn but because of the way you shut him down when he suggested you take more ASL classes. Your friend probably wants you to get better at ASL so that he can talk to you more easily about more different subjects, but instead, you laughed his suggestion off and made a joke at his expense.
If you're not interested in taking another class because you don't think there's anything helpful that's readily available, or if you just don't have time right now, or there's some other good reason, you should explain to your friend what you're thinking.
But be prepared for him to feel like "not a priority" for you afterwards, if being able to talk to him better really isn't a priority/interest of yours. On the other hand, if you are interested in making an effort on your own to learn more, you should make that clear to him, too.
I’m deaf an it’s exhausting every single person expects me to be their teacher, it’s got to the point I actually hate it, knowing a language an being able to teach are two very different things.
NTA. I don't think you're an AH for making a mistake, just a little insensitive and clearly apologetic. It also sounds as though Nolan has forgiven you, which is really the main thing. It's none of your other friend's business, and the fact that he's taken it so far reeks of virtue signaling to me.
NTA, but make sure to properly apologize to your deaf friend. 'Jokes' like these hurt and really can linger.
NTA. You clearly aren't "using" this person, they are your friend. Yes you made a joke in slightly poor taste and it was lost in translation, but you and Nolan are past it.
Maybe bring it up to Nolan and just make sure everything is cool, especially if others are noting that there still seems to be distance. But friend who's saying "you wouldn't hang out with a 'guy like him' for no reason" is definitely an AH.
NTA. It was a poor joke that landed terribly. The problem is that people have been conditioned to be extra sensitive to others with disabilities. Which is why your other friend feels the way he does. For some reason he thought no one would be friends with your deaf friend other than trying to use them for something.
Which is a pretty terrible train of thought, and why I think your other friend here is the AH in this instance. You've apologized. Your deaf friend seems to have gotten over it. Take his recommendation though, and take another class. This will reinforce your apology and desire to be genuine.
My take on this is that yes you were TA at the start, it was a rude joke, obviously the friend took it the wrong way and you shouldn't have said that. However I think that changed at this part.
"I apologized and explained it was just a joke. He said he understood and even apologized for getting upset in the first place."
From what it sounds like, you guys made up and understood the situation from each other's viewpoints.
If that is the case then NTA anymore because the issue got resolved in a good manner. As long as you can admit you were in the wrong and continue to be a good friend, no one should be able to say anything about it.