Woman risks mother’s emotional breakdown to protect her kids. AITA? + UPDATE
"AITA for using information against my mother in court that I know will destroy her emotionally/mentally?"
I (34F) am involved in a very dramatic court case with my narcissistic mother and stepfather. First, a little back story. When my sister was 1 and I was 3 my mother initially had custody.
However, she had gone missing for 4 days but leaving my sister and I in the home alone. Investigations were done and we were raised by our father. There was a reunification plan, however my mother did not follow any of it and her parental rights were terminated.
No one had ever talked negatively about my mother growing up or told me what happened, so when I was 20 I found my mom and decided to develop a relationship with her.
Big mistake. After reuniting with my mother I discovered quite a bit of information that I previously had not known. She is a narcissist, diagnosed formally, specifically vulnerable narcissist.
My stepfather has BPD, diagnosed formally. This past decade has been torture, faked cancer (i was made to shave her hair), i had to pay them to watch my two children, constant arguments, just too much to name.
In 2022, my parents decided to move 15 hours away for a get rich quick scheme involving flipping homes. I decided to stay in our hometown because my youngest child’s father died, and I wanted to stay close to his family, plus I was already in a year long relationship.
My mother was enraged. After she had already left she tried everything to get me to move up with them. She asked me how much money to break up with my boyfriend, got me fired from a job, wrote posts online about how mean I am, texted my oldest about me, sent me 100s of messages each month, etc.
This had been going on continuously for about a year. Earlier this year I was served paperwork, my mother and stepfather are suing me for grandparents rights. However, no court date was ever sent.
My oldest child goes to her father’s every break, and when she came back from summer break with him she was acting very different. I found out that my mother and my child’s father have been in close contact for about a year and a half, had my daughter speak with my mother, see my mother, and recorded videos of her that my child did not know about.
I have sole legal and physical custody, so needless to say, a huge argument happened and I am now restricting any visitation. As a result of this incident, my mother and stepfather set a court date for a month from now.
So here’s why I ask if AITA:
For court I plan on using text messages where my mother said my stepfather is a danger to children, text messages from my daughters father stating my mother is psychotic and he would never give our child access to her, and my mothers court records.
My mother has over 140 + charges on her record in 5 different states. My stepfather knows none of it! I’m also using the fact that her parental rights to me were terminated, so legally she has no rights to my children.
My concern is that knowing she’s a narcissist, when I use these documents in court it will humiliate her, and probably turn my stepfather against her. I do worry it’s going to trigger a horrible reaction from my mother, possibly the worst. I wish my mother no harm, I just want to be left alone and protect my children. I’ve been no contact this whole time, hoping it would stop but it hasn’t. I am feeling so conflicted.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s initial post:
NTA go scorched earth.
Be aware: CPS cleared me after my mom called them on me. With one caveat - if I let my mother back in my kids lives CPS would take them. Further, that my letting a known child abuser, my abuser no less, around my children was an indication that my parenting choices were in question.
Hootie_hoot110 (OP)
I’m glad you were cleared! Gives me hope I can get through this too. I’m staying no contact, and have no intentions in ever engaging again. Which is why I also told my oldest child’s father he will not see her until further notice because he will let my mother around my child. If I can get a restraining order I will. Just trying to get her out of my children and I’s life, but with limited fallout. Looks like I can’t avoid that unfortunately.
Five months later, the OP returned with an update.
I finally have an update on my situation since I last posted about 5 months ago. Court was postponed twice by my mother, for reasons I don’t know. Then it was postponed for a third time due to accusations that I was an unfit mother and my daughter had suicidal ideations.
My mother asked the judge to appoint a guardian ad litem to make sure the children were safe. Court was rescheduled to March 2025. The past 5 months I have been doing nothing but researching my mother.
I found she has a total of 19 active warrants, including 3 probation violations. I turned everything over to my lawyer in hopes something would work. Two days after discovery was turned over to my mother’s lawyers my lawyer called to let me know she officially dropped the case! My children and I met with the guardian ad litem, they told the judge they see no issues whatsoever.
After over a year of fighting this, it’s finally over! It’s been such a tough battle but I’m so happy my kids are safe and will never have to go through what I have! Thank you to everyone who wrote me personally and commented such positive things.
You all have no idea how much it helped me, especially when I was having such an internal struggle. My kids are doing better than ever and I’m grateful we pushed through!
*** more info*** To answer some comments… I have already moved several states away, changed my contact information, and have been no contact for three and a half years.
I am currently working on getting a restraining order, but have been advised by my lawyer that I may not be granted one due to lack of “proof”. That’s frustrating, but I’m still trying anyway.
My daughter and I still have had no contact with her father, and other than a very strange darth vader text we haven’t heard from him. He’s also a couple states away from us. I also have my daughter in therapy, so I’m hoping she learns how to have better boundaries than I did.
I am not going to call the different areas about her warrants…. Yet. My thinking is that she won’t make any big moves against me as long as they are active and I know about them. Something I can hold of her head, just in case she tries something again. I know it’s probably not over, but this was a huge win!!!!!
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s update:
Contact all the venues for which she has warrants and tell them where she is / how they can find her. Let them take care of it from there.
Please do not ever have contact with your mom and step dad again. Also that ex seems to be a jerk too. If ur mom starts harassing you just make sure to document, video, record - and file a restraining order against her as bd include ur kids. That would be best.
Wow. What kind of moron has 19 active warrants and goes, “I think the best course of action is to bring forward a court case that will put me directly in the sights of a judge and law enforcement”?
"My daughter and I still have had no contact with her father, and other than a very strange darth vader text we haven’t heard from him."
I don't even care about the rest of the story, I wanna know what the strange Darth Vader text was. Like did the dad text "I am your father" to the daughter or what ?
The mother needs to be reported everywhere there is an active warrant. She hasn't changed and she's still a con artist. Not reporting this means she has the opportunity to commit more crimes.