"AITA for 'using my disability to control my group?'"
So I (20F) have a brain condition, joint disorder and several other medical issues. The main thing in this story is that my brain condition causes migraines, vertigo episodes, etc. I've had the same group of friends since middle school. There's 6 of us, all within the ages of 19-23. And we are all diverse in interests, styles, etc.
One of my friends, D, loves punk concerts. She posts flyers for local house concerts. Now I can't go to house concerts (most aren't wheelchair accessible, they are too loud even with noise canceling headphones, etc) so I always tell everyone to go have fun. It isn't their fault I'm disabled, and I'm not the type to be like "If I can't go, NO ONE can."
There's another girl in the group, W, who tries to be like, my advocator and says, "Oh maybe we should choose something OP can do" to which I say again, I do not mind. At all. Heck, I love sitting at home.
I got my dogs, videos games and I'm good, plus they get me extra merch from the shows which is cool af. I never asked W to be my advocate. Now, like 2 days ago, D posted another concert thing in our group chat. W again said, "That isn't very accessible, we shouldn't go."
D BLEW tf up saying how "W and OP are always trying to control the group and just because you're in a wheelchair doesn't mean you get to dictate what the group was doing and how OP must be pming W to stand up for me all the time."
To which, I haven't. Ngl, I'm not close with W. She's one of our other friend's close friends so she's always at our hangouts. 2 other people kinda agreed with D that W shouldn't be commenting on if something is wheelchair accessible all the time.
I said that I don't care if they go to the concerts, It isn't my thing anyway and I won't feel left out. I'm good and D tried to say I was probably trying to find a way out of them being pissed off at me and D has pretty much went silent within the group chat which is weird since we've talked everyday in it since sophomore year of high school.
Idk, AITA? I do sometimes comment on something being not wheelchair accessible (Like how they wanted to go to a horse show, and I mentioned that I need to do research on the grounds to see if I can go). Is that not something I should do?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Chiomi said:
NTA, but W sure is - that’s white-knighting at its finest. You never asked her to step in, and doing so all the time when you’ve said you’re fine not going to concerts is infantilizing you, as if you can’t speak up for yourself, and also, as this shows, driving a wedge between you and the group.
Raibean said:
Slight YTA for presenting this as W standing up for YOU but mentioning in the comments that W also has chronic illness and might be advocating for HERSELF. NAH otherwise! But I think your involvement in this whole issue could be solved by simply yourself stating “Hey I think I have to sit this one out! Hope you guys have fun!”
Or “I’m happy to do something together at a later date!” This removes your involvement and makes it clear to the group that W is advocating for herself. I think it is unfair for D to claim you’re asking W to stand up for you, but I’m not sure it reaches AH behavior.
Impossible_Rain_4727 said:
NTA: While you may not have asked W to be your advocate, you certainly didn't put a stop to it when she spoke up. If you had, the problem would have been nipped in the bud. That said, I think W is the true asshole here for playing the "savior" role. She spoke on your behalf, without bothering to understand your feelings or point of view on the matter.
TrainerDiotima said:
NTA. You are not responsible for someone else's savior complex. For your own piece of mind you may want to have a conversation with her. That you are an adult and capable of using your own voice to advocate for yourself. That if you're expressing something you'd appreciate the support but that her making decisions on your behalf feels infantilizing.
scarbarough said:
NTA. But if you want it to stop, call out W. Say to the group something like "W, I truly appreciate what you're trying to do, but I don't need you to advocate for me. If I have an objection to something, I'll be a big girl and speak up for myself."
That hopefully will get her to stop (though she'll likely be butthurt for a bit), and it will make it clear to the group that you aren't asking her to speak up for you... And they don't need to feel badly if they do something that doesn't include you, because you're explicitly taking responsibility for yourself in those situations.
ZoomZoomDiva said:
NTA, but it would best to tell W to shut up about it.