'AITA for using my veto on my wife's favorite name?' 'It was my sister's birth name.'
"AITA for using my veto on my wife's favorite name because it was my sister's birth name?"
My wife's #1 girl name is Josephine nn Josie Joy. She wanted it to be our daughter's name, telling me it felt just right for our girl. The name Josephine has a not so great history in my family.
My (bio) parents fostered kids and adopted some. My siblings (the kids who were adopted) all had their own pasts but I have a sister who now has a different name, who was Josephine at the time of her birth. It was her name until she was 6 when the name was changed before my parents legally adopted her.
It was a very complicated process for my sister's name to be changed. There was a childhood psychologist, a trauma therapist, and a psychiatrist involved in stating that it was in her best interest for the name to be changed because of the trauma she had surrounding her name.
For context she was 5 when she was removed from her birth family and has memories of them using her name. They also called her Josie. My sister still has some trouble with the name. But she only hears it occasionally. She never tells people to use another name.
But our family knows that it can trigger some memories for her and unpleasant feelings (putting it mildly). She is still in therapy. But this isn't something that is hugely controlling her life.
But there's a difference between hearing it occasionally to hearing it all the time because someone in the family has that name. My wife knows it was my sisters name but not everything about the trauma surrounding it.
She knows it was bad enough for professionals to get involved to help her get the name formally changed. But doesn't know the details I know about why. I also won't share it all here because that's my sisters story, not mine.
So I told my wife that I was vetoing Josephine and Josie Joy. I told her it wasn't a name I could live with knowing it would remind my sister of her trauma. That I also had a very negative association because of my sisters past with it.
My wife was disappointed and asked if we could talk to my sister about it first. I told her my sister would give us her blessing so she wouldn't burden us but I would feel horrifically guilty.
She said okay it and we have a short list of other names now. But she had talked about the name enough that her family were calling our daughter Josephine already.
When my wife said Josephine wasn't the name they asked why and she told them a name should be agreed on by both and we weren't on the same page so we'd choose one we both loved equally.
My wife's parents took me aside and asked me why I would deny my wife this name when it means so much to her. They said we could have worked on a middle name I loved. I told them the name had a bad history for me and I couldn't get past it.
They told me I was being selfish. When I talked to my wife about it, she told me she wished I could have done more to try and make it work but she'd talk to her parents and tell them to back off. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Flimsy-Car-7926 said:
NTA. Her family does not get to share their opinions on this. It sounds like your wife was somewhat understanding until her family stirred it up. Do they lack all empathy? Do they truly not understand how damaging this would be for your sister?
It's time to be a bit of a hard a$% about this. Children's names are a 2 yes situation. It would be incredibly cruel to subject your sister to that. You know this. I'm sure there are other names your wife likes. Tell her parents to stay the f out of it.
Dschingis_Khaaaaan said:
NTA - Your in-laws sure are though. Names are, as your wife stated, 2 yeses, 1 no. That alone should have been the end of it. But given the trauma associated with the name it’s a whole nother level of no. You are doing the right thing for yourself and for your sister.
Also “being selfish?” How about insisting on forcing a name on you that upsets you? THAT is being selfish. And no, your wife is wrong, you shouldn’t have “done more to try and make it work."
There is no way to make that name work in a situation like that. There are thousands of names that ARENT directly the source of your sisters trauma and only one (with an associated nickname) that is. The “make it work” is to find another name.
SadFlatworm1436 said:
NTA but you need to shut down her parents interference. They get NO say in the naming of your child and they route you and your wife take to chose a name.
gringaellie said:
NTA I really wanted a certain name for my first born. My husband was totally against it - I mean totally. There was no trauma, no emotional reason for the no - he just didn't like it. When two people are in a loving relationship having a baby together, naming is two yes, one no.
spirosoflondon said:
NTA you are a better man than me. I'd have told her parents it's none of their business and where they could shove their opinions.
chittychittyb said:
NTA. I’d stop telling her family anything about the name, and not feel the need to justify your decisions to them. It sounds like your wife is on board with you now - I’d spend some time together and emphasise how important it is to be united in your choices. You and your wife (+ kid) are a family of your own now.