'AITA for going on a vacation with my wife's family instead of my own?' UPDATED

"AITA for going on a vacation with my wife's family instead of my own?"

Background: my family has always been well-off. And by that, I mean like we would take family vacations two to three times per year. It's still like that now, but I've noticed a difference in how my family acts now that my (F27) wife (F24) and I are married.

About three weeks ago, my dad booked a trip to Italy. Everyone was excited, the family gc was lit up for days following the announcement. I called my dad and talked to him for a while and eventually I thanked him for including my wife who'd always felt left out.

There was a slight pause and he told me that he booked the rest of the available seats on that particular flight and there was only enough for him, my mother, grandparents, my sister + her husband, and me. He booked it without even taking my wife into consideration.

Now I know what a lot of people would think that it was just a mistake but I don't think so given the fact that my wife has been excluded in other ways before and if it were a mistake, he'd do everything he could to change it before even announcing the vacation.

My heart sunk. I looked at my wife who could tell something was off and I told my dad to just give my seat to someone else because if she wasn't included, I wasn't going. In the past, I was able to include my wife myself but I was tired of us being singled out. They never did that to my sister and her husband, they've always included them as a couple.

But when it comes to my wife and I, we've always had to figure our own way into the mix as if we weren't to be taken seriously. I'm not doing that now and I drew the hard line in the sand this time. This man had the audacity to say that her and I could book our own flight and just, you know, meet them there. I simply said "absolutely not" then hung up.

Needless to say, my wife was in tears. She was upset, but she was glad that I was sticking by her. A couple of days went by and we decided to go on our own vacation to a much humbler location (large rental cabin) with her family, who are all downright amazing. Well...my family found out and they have not stopped blowing up my phone.

My mom called me one night during all this and said that I was being unreasonable and that there's no way I couldn't just book a separate flight and instead book an entirely different vacation with her family. I explained to her that that wasn't the point, that the point was that they have excluded my wife from every family-related event ever since we got married which always put me in the position to fix it.

My mom basically called me crazy and that I was overthinking a simple mistake on my dad's part. For some reason, I'm starting to think that maybe I am overthinking it and that I should just talk with my dad to see if excluding my wife was intentional (which was another point my mom brought up). AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

AppropriateLet6665 said:

NTA. Your father is leaving out your wife every time on purpose. Sounds like bigotry to me.

StAlvis said:

NTA. "he told me that he booked the rest of the available seats on that particular flight and there was only enough for him, my mother, grandparents, my sister + her husband, and me."

Man, I would LOVE for you to look up that flight, confirm that there are PLENTY of seats left, and confront him with the evidence. "I was overthinking a simple mistake on my dad's part." Excuse me? Hating his daughter is no mistake.

HunterIllustrious846 said:

NTA. You're not overthinking it. They're trying to gaslight you so word doesn't get out about slighting your wife on several occasions. They look petty AF and they know it.

And Ill-Bird9180 said:

You’re in the queer community. You know this is intentional. But let’s just say this one time your father made an honest mistake and that wasn’t his intention. Based on your family’s history on excluding your wife, you have every right to assume.

Call them out and if need be go low contact. I know it is hurtful but your presence in the family is the ultimate bargaining chip. If they are still crappy then you can put them on “probation” until they improve.

Edit from OP:

Wow, thank you so so much for the overwhelming support! We went to bed and then woke up to almost 200 notifications, that's crazy! My wife and I sat down a couple of hours ago and had a discussion about what our next steps should be. We've both agreed that we're going to have a family meeting with my family this Monday and confront them head-on.

We feel that this is the best way to handle this situation and we honestly just need answers directly from them. As for the comments, a lot of you brought up gaslighting and how it causes rifts in families so we're going to learn more about it to better protect ourselves. I made a vow to my wife when we got married that I'd put her first and make her my priority and I'm sticking to it.

Again, thank you so much for all of your support and hopefully I can make an update post to fill you guys in on everything. Greatest wishes!

As promised, she posted this update a few days later:

First off, thank you all for the positivity! It's been amazing seeing so much support! We didn't post an update yesterday since it was Valentine's Day so we're posting it today. We had a family meeting at our house on Monday, and it was interesting.

I started with reminding my dad what he did, how it matched up to all the other times, how it made her and I feel, and how his and my mom's reactions made us feel. I told him that my wife is my everything and what we do, we do together. Our marriage is just as valid. You either want us in your life or you don't and lately your actions have told us the ladder.

Then, I brought up gaslighting. We did some digging the previous night - watched videos and read articles to better understand it. I explained to them what it was, how they did it, and how it made us feel. My conclusion was my reasoning for planning the separate vacation with my wife's family.

My sister started crying. She apologized for not saying anything and not paying attention. Her husband was upset as well. My sister said "you have to book a different flight, dad" to which I pointed out that it was too late - our vacation was already booked and we couldn't bail on it.

My sister said "well then we're not going to Italy, then. You two (mom and dad) can go, but we're not. I feel horrible now." Cue argument between parents and my sister. My wife and I sat there with our mouths hung open until my sister + her husband got up and left.

My suspicions were right. The reason why my wife and I were being treated unfairly was because of inheritance fears. Their explanation was that they didn't want inheritance "getting into the wrong hands" so they wanted to dote on my sister + her husband "to ensure that it won't" (their actual words).

That right there confirmed everything because they basically said "yes we treat your sister + her husband better and we're driving it home with the inheritance." It ended with my parents leaving angry - not at their actions, but the fact that they were getting called out. From this point on, we will be going low contact with my parents and maybe try to amend things between my sister + her husband.

We will not attend gatherings/events if one/both of us feel excluded. We will demand that we be treated just as seriously. We now know our boundaries and we will set them. It was a very heartbreaking experience and we were disgusted at the whole thing, we still are. Right now, we just have to take this time to move forward.

I doubt we'll be able to make any more updates beyond this, but again we wanted to thank you all for the advice, love, and support! We truly appreciate it! This was a throwaway but I think I'm going to keep this account up but just not save the login info. Thank you so so much and best wishes!