'I am on vacation with my BF of almost 6 years and I’ve decided I have to break up with him.' UPDATED 2X
"I am on vacation with my BF of almost 6 years and I’ve decided I have to break up with him."
I love him so much. I live with him. But this trip was the straw that broke the camel’s back and when we get back home, I’m going to end it. I’ve always known he’s had a temper but him throwing little tantrums 3 times during this trip (it’s only been 5 days!) has been exhausting.
I am pretty even tempered and slow to anger, but his anger is triggered by (in my eyes) seemingly everything. And when he’s mad at something, he gives me the silent treatment.
No communication, no telling me what’s wrong (even if I ask kindly and try to attend to his needs), and he’ll often just walk away from me, leaving me perplexed if I’ve done something to anger him.
95% of the time I haven’t done anything, but he’ll get angry at me anyway and find some way to pin it on me for “not being helpful.” But it’s a lose-lose: when I try and help he ignores me and is cold to me, when I ask him how he wants me to help he has no response and gets annoyed.
After getting the silent treatment for a while, I usually stop trying to help. This is when I become the bad guy for not helping him. This behavior is nothing new—he’s always done this. But this trip has made me come to the realization that I can’t depend on him to be there for me.
I feel literally sick to my stomach with the anxiety of it all. Even when I’m weak with hunger I can barely stomach a bite of food, I feel like I want to throw up constantly. This June would have been 6 years for us.
We’ve built so much together, his family is like my family, his friends are my friends. But I don’t think I could ever marry or raise a child with this person who abandons me on a whim and blames me for all the misfortunes in his life.
When he’s in a good mood we’re on cloud 9. I’m terrified of losing him, I’m terrified of what my life will become, but I am having a hard time seeing a future with him. So many empty promises of “I’ll do better next time” and “I won’t give you the silent treatment anymore” and I believed them every time until now.
Now I know, if nothing has changed in nearly 6 years, nothing will change in the next 6. Or the next. His lack of empathy and victim mentality and unpredictable anger has finally got to me.
Just 2 more days on this trip. I have to try and act normal, have a good time. I want to enjoy his company while he’s in a good mood. I don’t want to ruin this trip for him or the others we are traveling with. But once we’re back home, I don’t think I can do it anymore.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
I want to clarify a few things. I don’t think he is a narcissist and I don’t think he’s a bad guy. He genuinely loves me and cares about me, but he’s not a great communicator and isn’t super emotionally mature.
A lot of people are commenting that he’s an emotional manipulator—I can almost say for certain he doesn’t lash out and love bomb in order to take advantage of me. He just simply doesn’t know how to react to his emotions in a healthy way.
I can attribute a lot of this to how he was raised, knowing his family and his parents. It may sound pretty black and white like he’s a horrible person in the post (as often happens on Reddit), but is much more gray than that.
I am not perfect, and he is not evil. It is also very possible he has ADHD, but he hasn’t gotten diagnosed for it.
Thank you all who are concerned for me, I can promise I am safe.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s initial posts:
It sounds like you are about to make the right decision.
I'm actually relieved for OP that she has come to this decision. Good awareness, too: he won't improve now. He will blame her for all their problems, for abandoning him, for being selfish, for all the ways she brought this on herself, so I wish her luck and strength. What a man-child.
He needs to work on himself.
Two days later, the OP returned with an update.
I did it. I told him that he pushed me one time too far and that I cannot do it anymore. It was heartbreaking, a lot of tears were shed. He was shocked, but very apologetic and he begged for one more chance. He promised change.
But I told him that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with the man he is today. I said that if he enacted change, maybe down the line we could make it work, but as of right now, I can’t trust his promises and I have to take care of myself and my own heart and take some space.
I don’t want to be given the silent treatment and I don’t want to walk on eggshells anymore. While he was devastated and said he would do anything to keep me, he was also very understanding and kind.
He wants me to take care of myself too, and he will respect my decision and work on himself. He’s looking into therapy/counseling/anger management options. He said he’ll work on communication and emotional regulation so he can treat his friends and family better, and hopefully win me back someday.
I’m currently staying with my parents while he takes the time to gather his things and move out. I’m heartbroken and scared, but I know I made the right decision for me. Some people were commenting that we just needed to communicate and talk through this—I’ve tried.
I’m super big on addressing problems and conflicts and talking them out, but he didn’t grow up that way. After every single conflict in the past, I always sat down with him and told him exactly how I was feeling and why.
I would ask him to explain his feelings and his side as well. Like I said, he didn’t grow up being the best communicator. Trying to talk through the problems to no avail is one of the reasons I had been pushed so far away.
Some commenters also mentioned an ultimatum. I heavily considered this, but I am so conditioned to cater to him and walk on eggshells around him that I decided the best way to take care of myself is to be away from him.
Alone, I don’t have to think about anyone else’s needs but my own (and my dog). For the first time in a while I’m going to do what I want, go where I want, eat what I want, and be as spontaneous (or not) as I want.
Nobody to watch me, nobody else’s plans to consider. Now I know sharing those moments is part of the beauty of relationships and marriage, but I think rather than being free to make my decisions and share them, I had been conditioned to first make sure he wouldn’t get mad at the decision before committing to it.
I love saying yes to plans—but with him I became noncommittal to plans with family and friends “just in case”. It’s time for me to take back my life and simply do what I want to do. Thank you, strangers, to all the people who supported my decision and gave me the strength to follow through. It was so hard but I remembered all your encouragement and support and reassurance.
Thank you to all the people who were on my bf’s side of things and gave your perspectives. You were all so kind and helped me understand his point of view. It is hard but there is hope for him to grow and truly change for the better—if not for us then for his own happiness and peace.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s update:
I'm so glad you're doing this for yourself! Take back your life and enjoy every moment of it. Being single is just as amazing as being with someone.
I know a couple like this who have stayed together for over thirty years, and he only started changing in the last five from doing the silent treatment and blaming her and it lasting for weeks, to the tantrum lasting for an hour. I do think people can change, but I don't believe it's reasonable to wait forever for that to happen, or to accept "somewhat better" as good enough.
Whenever someone asks for 1 more chance what they're really saying is I know this is hurting you, but you've decided to break up so this time its hurting me and now I'm willing to make a change.
Good on her for breaking up with him. That feeling of freedom of doing whatever she wants must be liberating for her.
I know this is a minor point in the whole thing, but I'm always baffled by commenters who say "6 years and he hasn't proposed?" as if that's a gotcha and an issue. Maybe it is, but it's not indicated in the post. And some people just don't want to get married, or aren't ready yet for various reasons.