'AITA for telling my parents it's their fault they won't ever have grandkids?'
"AITA for telling my parents it's their fault they won't ever have grandkids?"
HotRent1508
My brother was awesome and my parents loved him. So did I. On the other hand my parents tolerated me. I wasn't good at sports, or school, or anything really. I was pretty much an afterthought.
When my brother got into medical school while I was in community college my parents helped him out so he could graduate without debt. He had a bright future ahead and they wanted him to achieve.
I was told I had to get student loans. Which I did. I also finally accepted my place in their world and went low contact. Mostly we only talked at some event for my brother.
I ended up getting my master's and I like my career. I like helping people. But I had to plan for my future. I knew I could have a good life with a partner but that kids would lower my standard of living. So I got a vasectomy.
I met my wife and she is on board with bring child free. We have a small house in a low cost of living town and a couple of dogs. Sorry for all the build up but I am trying to avoid writing this next part.
My brother died on his honeymoon. My parents are devastated. I'm not doing much better. My wife and I traveled to my home town for the funeral. I saw my folks and went to see how they were.
We hadn't spoken since my brother's wedding the previous month. They were obviously distraught. My mom said that when we had kids I should name one after my brother.
I wasn't really thinking straight so I told the unvarnished truth. I had to choose between kids and paying off my student loans. She asked what I meant. So I admitted that I had gotten a vasectomy and would not be having kids.
I always figured she would get her grandma needs met by my brother. My dad blew up at me for making such a stupid decision. That I had basically decided to end our branch of the family tree.
I said that I always thought my brother would provide them with grandkids and that if I had kids they would be afterthoughts like I was. We went back home afterwards instead of hanging around.
My mom is having some sort of breakdown from my brother passing away and now me telling her that I will not be having children. My dad is just angry. I'm hearing from family that I was insensitive to put it the way I did.
They have not shown much interest in me since I was 12. I don't really think I owe them anything. My dad called and offered to pay to get my vasectomy reversed. I told him my wife didn't want kids. I reminded him that we had told them that we were child free and they didn't care until my brother died.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Egal89
NTA - they totally forgot that you lost your brother too. I am so sorry for your loss. But now guilt tripping you for your decision to live a childfree live? Your parents are the ah here. It’s like now the remember that they have a second son. You don’t owe them grandchildren. Period.
OriginalDogeStar
I can never understand this way of thinking. Are these parents of some noble bloodline, do they carry the cure to cancer in that bloodline, are they the direct descendants of Jesus, or are they the real bloodline of the throne of England??? NTA. However, if it turns out their bloodline is of importance....
On another note, it does say a lot they immediately thought about grandchildren and not that they lost a son, a brother, a husband... and IF the now widow turns up pregnant in a few weeks.... I hope she learned from the funeral how little her in-laws thought of her at that time.
Ok-Hovercraft621
NTA. I am so sorry for your loss. My brother was the golden child and he died a couple years ago, my mom was already gone and I’m kind of glad I wouldn’t want her to feel that kind of pain. I think it kind of rocked my dad he died a little more than six months later.
I miss him a lot he was my best friend in my teen years, we helped Each other survive a rough childhood. It was a really bad time to say what you said, but you were/are also grieving like they were/are. Give yourself some grace for the bad timing.
And I appreciate you being honest with them. If they’re going to continue to vote for practices that make it impossible for people to survive they should know that that’s why people aren’t having kids. 🤷🏻♀️
Quiet-Hamster6509
NTA. Once again, your parents are putting what they want first, regardless of whether it would put you in financial ruin. They don't care, just care about what they want. Don't be afraid to go low to no contact with them.
nazim_yh
You don't want to have kids, that's your choice and they don't have a say, especially if they treated you like shit then expects you to be a replacement of their perfect child.
Secret_Double_9239
NTA maybe not the right time to tell them but what’s done is done now. For your own mental health and peace of mind however I would recommend staying low contact with them. They are probably going to try to make your fill the void your brother left in their life and any affection they give won’t seem genuine or they will start to compare you to him.
Obsidianpearl19
NTA and I cannot believe your mothers first thought after her own son died was "at least the other one will give me grandbabies!". Like the only value you held to her as an adult was the ability to procreate and carry on your family's DNA.
I am so sorry you are being treated this way, OP. Go LC and give them the time to grieve their potential grandkids they would have gotten from your brother bc it seems they, especially your mom, are more upset at that than loosing their own child. Sorry for your loss, OP.