'Am I overstepping if I tell my friend her BF went behind her back and accused us of having an affair?'
"Am I overstepping if I (28M) tell my friend (25F) that her boyfriend (45M) accused us of having an 'affair' and went behind her back to find evidence?"
About two weeks ago, my friend's boyfriend of 5 years added me on snapchat and messaged me, asking if I "had a thing" with her and to "come clean" now. I have never interacted with him before, so this was bizarre to me.
Some context about my friend and I: We became friends when I was 19 and she was 17, we had a mildly flirty friendship then, but never went out on any dates or and never got physical because we were never in the same place for very long (I was in college in a different state).
We helped each other through a lot of difficult situations and talked on the phone a lot, but as we both got into serious relationships and grew up, we stopped talking as frequently. We grew apart, but still kept in touch a few times a year to check in on one another to make sure everything was okay.
This is why I found it to be so odd that he messaged me about this, because I hadn't physically seen my friend in maybe 3 years, and the last time I talked to her was my annual Christmas check in that I do with all my friends and family.
I told him I was confused, and I had no earthly idea what he was talking about, to which he responded saying that he knew I was lying and had found a note in her diary saying that she "needed to end things" with me. This only further confused me, as even when we talked more frequently, we never talked about dating each other.
It also bothered me immensely that he went behind her back and into her diary, as I know from our talks in the past that she had some serious trust issues with her previous partners. I told him that I knew nothing about any of this, and that if he really wanted answers, that he should talk to her and clear things up, as I'm positive that she would be able to.
That's when he made his final statement that has recently concerned me the most. He then told me that he was planning on proposing to her soon, and that he needed to know if anything was going on before he did that, and wanted to confront me "man to man" before talking to her about anything.
He also made the request that I not say anything to her, as this was between us, and she didn't need to know until he confronted her about it. I initially agreed to this, as it was their relationship and I was so far removed from it up until now, that I felt it was inappropriate for me to really involve myself further.
However, after sitting on it for a few weeks, I'm now finding myself feeling like I not only want answers, but I want to warn my friend about her breach of privacy, and her boyfriend's insecurity leading to that. Am I overstepping if I say something and get involved in this further?
TL;DR; My friend's boyfriend accused me of having relationship with her, and then asked me to keep it a secret that he confronted me about it. Do I tell my friend?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
vinegar_tits_9 wrote:
Omg tell her. He sounds controlling af, and a 40 year old man dating a 20 year old screams ‘controlling’
Please tell her, spare her the future pain. She’s young enough to move on from him unscathed at this point.
OP responded:
When she told me about them initially, I was concerned about the age gap, but never voiced those concerns. I didn't want to sound judgmental about her decisions, but something like this happening was my fear for her.
theclosetenby wrote:
Tell her. Be aware that she may be upset with you initially or take out anger or confusion on you. Hopefully she won't, but it's possible. It's quite possible she's in a very controlling and emotionally toxic relationship, and it can take a it for someone in her position to accept what's going on.
If you want to, let her know that she can talk to you if she needs help. And encourage her to reach out to family or old friends if she expresses any desire to do so, or hesitation about doing it. You don't have to say he's an abusive creep, but you can def say how it concerns you about her.
OP responded:
I understand that there may be a negative reaction from her, and it may possibly ruin what remains of our friendship, but I am genuinely concerned for her due to this behavior. Whatever consequences it may have for me, it's worth it if it spares her a life with someone who will treat her poorly.
Shelwood46 wrote:
She's your friend, not him, and he sounds absolutely horrifying. Please tell her that her lunatic bf got in touch with you, how he accused you, and that he's been going through her diary. She may still choose the creepazoid (I imagine if he was telling the truth, the note meant she was going to end your friendship because her toxic old boyfriend was isolating her and she was fine with it for some reason).
OP responded:
I fear this might be what the note meant, if it even exists...
Bellasquared wrote:
Having been with a ridiculously jealous older man before, TELL HER! He went so far out of pocket contacting you. Sure, he may be lying about reading her journal, but he still went behind her back to confront what only amounts to an old friend who is barely in touch and not local.
Also, the whole "I'm going to propose" crap to keep you quiet is BS. Talk to your friend (leave out the proposal part unless you have to mention it) but tell her the rest of the convo and your concerns. Mature, emotionally balanced people don't play these games. Nor do they need to date women 20 years younger, but that's another story.
nikolasthefirehand wrote:
Tell her. He read her diary and is trying to get you to hide it from her. That's sketchy as hell and she deserves to know before he proposes. You're not overstepping, you're being a decent friend.