Woman shares saga of bridezilla who 'lost her mind,' 'It all started when she asked me to play violin at her wedding.' AITA? UPDATED
When this woman is upset with her bridezilla friend who's off the deep end, she asks the internet:
"I want to share this wild wedding violin saga. I'm so annoyed with the bride. AITA?"
So my friend from school asked me to be in her wedding over lunch today. I have known this girl about 2 years and because we have the same major we are school friends.
We partner up in classes, do projects together etc, but I dont really know or hang out with her outside this setting. Anyways she asked me to be in her wedding, I assumed as a bridesmaid. But I was wrong.
She said she had had a dream of her perfect wedding and it was so beautiful she woke up crying, wrote it all down and cried for hours because it was just so beautiful and perfect.
She even made some sketches and said this was a vision from God of her wedding and she couldnt even explain the warmth and ecstatic love to me because she didnt have the words but that she would do anything to capture it perfectly.
She then likened herself to an artist with divine inspiration and went on for about 20 minutes about the details of her inspiration and how beautiful and uniting this wedding would be.
That it would change lives and be so much more than a ceremony and that the execution was so perfect it would be more of a visual statement; an artistic dedication to love that everyone would be a living part of.
In this beautiful perfect wedding, I am to the front left on the aisle, playing violin as her guests arrive. In a "long white gown, feathered and beaded and soft, very romantic. I'll know it when I see it."
I laughed and told her I've never played the violin before and as such may have a hard time performing for her guests. She told me that I had a year to learn and that this was extremely important to her.
I looked at what I could of her beautiful wedding notes. They seem really insane. Lots of stuff feverishly circled or written over and over like "INSPECT WHAT YOU EXPECT" over and over and "ALL IN WHITE" literally scribbled over other words, all in the margins, copied into big paragraphs.
The part she showed me of my role just said "(My name)-violin-soft and complex, beautiful and intricate-a concerto-lots of detail. WOW the guests". I dont know how to play violin at all. I've literally never touched one.
She sounded like she was on drugs talking about it, she was feverish and flitting from topic to topic and talking about how maybe I could compose something but she wanted it to sound "so intricate that no one would believe it was just one person playing it".
It seems beyond normal bride stuff and when I told her even if I did have a year to learn to play it would be basic at best she SLAMMED her hand on the table and said "STOP."
Then went right back to her cheery, excited talk about her divine wedding. I very gently tried to refuse, and told her that this wedding sounded really important and that I would be happy to try to find a professional to play for her and she just said "Mm, no, no, it has to be you. I'm sure of it."
And went right back to talking, as if I had suggested I wearing a hat to the beach. Just really casually dismissed. Then she dropped a bomb. "Besides, I already bought your violin and it was almost 2 thousand dollars."
WHAT? I DONT KNOW HOW TO PLAY. I told her she was being INSANE but she just kept making "no" noises or putting up her hands or saying "Enough". Eventually she just said the violin would be here in a few weeks and that I needed to find someone that gives lessons and learn, and that she believed in me.
She told me that worst case scenario, I get to learn a skill most people would love to learn and that if I do well, I can have the violin as payment. I dont want a violin. I dont play. Then she left, and here I am dumbfounded.
I cant exactly cut ties and run, it is Summer now but we have a class together currently, and 3 classes together in the Fall. I can only see her getting crazier about this. She is scaring me and while she's always had a flair for the dramatics, she's never been this crazy before.
I'm not really sure if this is just mega Bridezilla and she will get over it, or if I should just pretend I dont know her, or if I should call a loony bin to come pick her up.
Or just take up the violin and hope whatever god of weddings visited her grants me magical powers. AITA?
Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
Hey, this sounds a lot like a manic episode. A classic symptom is to take an interest like that to an extreme, and coupled with the euphoria, fast talking, magical thinking & compulsive nature of her speech, it really reminds me of the mania I've encountered in my life.
(I will say it's impossible to diagnose this stuff over the internet, but read up on the symptoms and see what you think.)
The tough part is that, if it's true, it's hard to do anything about until it's extreme enough to warrant commitment (possible harm to self or others, though it depends on where you live).
Whatever you do, try not to tell her she's crazy or needs medication, as this will alienate her whether it's true or not. Anyway, I don't want to go too far down this road if I'm wrong, but feel free to ask more questions if not. Good luck!
serendipiteee writes:
Came here to post this as well. Others have mentioned schizophrenia, but other than the "delusions of grandeur" insinuations it doesn't quite sound right to me, and that specifically is also prevalent in mania. I'd bet my money on a major manic episode with a side of mild/moderate psychotic break.
Getting worked up to an insane level over a dream? Mania/break. Talking to/seeing God (or thinking you ARE divine) while awake, that's more insane.
The good news is, OP, as bad as this is even the worst manic episodes usually burn out pretty quickly. A few months tops, especially one this intense. It's a little like a fire, the hotter it burns usually the faster it spends itself. Doing things like buying a $2k violin while manic is unfortunately quite in the norm for such things.
She'll likely snap out of it in a few weeks or a month, feel horrifically embarrassed and crushed by debts or other consequences of poor/impulse decision making, and possibly just vanish from school and social life for awhile while she tries to pick up the pieces and somehow save face.
Were I you, I think I'd at least bring it up to the fiance and maybe provide him with some resources (even, say, links to psychcentral.com with bipolar syptoms - maybe some will click for him) and hope he can reign her in before she does too much damage.
Cleaning up the pieces for a major manic episode can be brutal... so maybe, if nothing else, you can help save her from herself before things go too out of hand.
melaideee writes:
My mother has bipolar, and some of the stuff you have mentioned sounds very similar.
She basically seems to get in this state where her brain is in such rapid fire, that she just repeats the same word over and over, not realising that she hasn't formed sentences.
This is about the worst it gets for her, however she definitely shows some repetitive actions prior to this - like the writing things over and over. The rapid switching from angry to happy and from topic to topic is also very common.
It's almost like dealing with a small child sometimes. Spending excessive amounts of money ($2000 violin), and having plans of grandeur (you HAVE to be the one to play!) also very common in bipolar patients. Stress can trigger it. Has she been sleeping much lately?
mommabear writes:
Okay, so I'm the outlier here, but I wouldn't do anything. Wait and see if the violin arrives. You don't have a dog in this fight. I don't know lots of college kids with 2K to spend on a violin, but let's assume she is one. You are under no obligation to learn to play it, divine vision or not.
If you truly feel the need to take action, you can tell her fiance via facebook that you are tickled she thinks you have a wellspring of hidden talent, but violin lessons aren't on the agenda for the next year, but you look forward to being a welcome guest. Tell your friend this also.
If she truly does have a manic disorder/drug dependency it's unlikely to be unknown to her closer friends and family, and barring psychotic break, one of these does sound likely. Chalk it up to unforeseen adventure. You don't cut ties, you tread lightly.
bresidor writes:
I play the violin, here's my advice: Take her up on it--you get a free (reasonably nice) violin. It is not insanely difficult for an intelligent person to learn some basic songs.
A lay person hears most music as very complex when performed live, so you actually have quite a few options of acceptable, basic songs that you could learn in a year if you approach it correctly.
Even if she is crazy (sounds like it), you still get a violin and a new skill. If you can dedicate about 15 minutes a day, 5 days a week to playing, you would be able to play some simple tunes to a satisfactory level within a year.
Maybe you will never play again after this, or maybe you will have a new hobby. If you never play again, you still have a $2,000 asset that will likely appreciate if it is well kept. If you ever have kids and they are interested in music, you will have a high quality instrument for them to start out on.
Worst case scenario, it doesn't go perfectly. Maybe she will be upset with you, but you will have the upper hand by saying "you literally gave me one year to learn a skill that people spend a lifetime on".
It's a story to tell either way, and you would probably benefit more from it than she would. I say do it.
hannah591 writes:
Well, I don't think she's going insane, she's more of a perfectionist and I think she feels tremendously stressed and possibly believes that God helped her in her dream, giving her ideas to a heavenly wedding.
She needs to realise that she's setting herself up for disappointment; something nearly always goes wrong in weddings. She's basing her wedding on an imaginary one which is worrying and you need to make her realise what she's doing pretty soon.
You should be more assertive and possibly give her the ultimatum that you either go, not playing the violin or you don't go at all. She cannot expect people to put their lives on hold or change their lives quite considerably for her one wedding day. She needs to be reminded that it's about the vows, not the wedding.
And now, OP's update:
Ages are still 23f and 22f, length of relationship 2 years. So I sent a modified OP to her fiance, and added after "I'm really worried because this seems pretty mentally unstable, way beyond normal bride stuff."
I got this reply on facebook from her (not her fiance) at about 2pm today (I didnt see it because she deleted me from her friends and it went to a different mailbox? Facebook is weird).
"Thanks so much for trying to tell my husband I'm crazy. Thank God he understands what it is like to love someone and what planning a wedding is all about. Excuse me that I have a dream I am passionate about, trust me if you ever get a ring with that attitude you will understand too but i doubt it.
Nice try trying to get between us but guess what sweetie nothing can tear us apart least of all you hahahahaha. You are clearly jealous and that makes me feel really bad for you."
Then about an hour ago I got a message from her fiance. A LONG message. The TL;DR is that she went fg nuts on a florist because he couldnt do her entire wedding in wisteria...
(The horror) almost got arrested for making a scene in his store, he found out she has spent her financial aid/student loan money for the second half of summer and the fall on random wedding stuff like my violin and has been booking venue tours and tastings with ridiculous expensive prices.
(If anyone is familiar with Texas, she is looking at doing her wedding in giant castle in that ritzy Lake Travis part of Austin. You know, by the huge multi million dollar mansions.) So he told her about the need for a budget and being realistic and she threw an EPIC fg fit.
At this point she left and went to her sister's house. I messaged him back saying that she may be bipolar and in a manic state...
and to ask her sister to maybe get her to a doctor but he was more upset and focused on being hurt at what she had said to him about the wedding than her. (She threw a right little tantrum and accused us of sleeping together.)
I told him that needless to say, I would not be playing violin in their wedding and that I was sorry for any trouble but I really did think it was best he seek some mental health help for her. He said "You made your point, you don't need to rub it in, I can take care of my family."
I told him I understood and wished them the best, and I guess that is that. I didn't see her in class today though, and it looks like she wont be coming back for the Fall unless she has a plan to get more money.
Thank you for the help everyone, I really did appreciate having a few hundred friends in this.
tl;dr: No one will stand in the way of the wedding god, the show goes on it would seem. Sans wisterias and one violinist.