'AITA for not visiting my Maid of Honor after her foot surgery?' 'She often has bad luck.'
"AITA for not visiting my Maid of Honor after her foot surgery?"
I got married at the end of August, and anyone who’s been part of a wedding knows how hectic it can get. My husband and I did everything ourselves, no planner or coordinator, and our venue didn’t offer much. We were still running around minutes before walking down the aisle.
I had two Maids of Honor: one (Tracey), who I’m very close with, and another (Cate), who this post is about & I'm also or used to be very close with. Cate was really excited when I got engaged, but as soon as wedding planning began, she disappeared.
My wedding party included my four closest friends, and they kept bachelorette and bridal shower plans a surprise. Cate, instead of helping, would complain to me about it. She eventually stopped communicating, making me feel like my wedding was a burden, though she insisted she wanted to be my Maid of Honor.
The night before my bachelorette, Cate called to say she couldn’t make it. The next day I found out that one of my bridesmaids missed the party because Cate had promised her a ride and bailed without telling her. Cate also broke a beautiful champagne flute I gave her as a wedding gift and blamed her daughter, even though I saw her do it.
Three weeks before the wedding, Cate told me she might need surgery for a foot injury. I felt terrible for her. I’ve known her since childhood and love her like a sister. Cate's injury was unfortunate but honestly typical for her, as she often has bad luck. I moved a long as regular.
She said she had a doctor’s appointment, so I regularly checked in with her via text. She rarely answers phone calls. On the day of her surgery, exactly one week before my wedding, I texted her early, prayed for her, and checked in.
We exchanged a few messages and spoke on the phone, but I couldn’t visit because I don’t drive, and my husband was busy helping with wedding prep even while he was at work. I didn’t want to burden him further.
I was surprised Cate showed up to the wedding despite her injury. Her daughter, who was a flower girl, most likely influenced her decision to come, which I was very happy for. We didn’t get a chance to talk much during the reception but I caught her on her way out and hugged and thanked her for coming and gave her a bottle of champagne.
After the wedding, we went on a mini-moon. When I got back, I reached out to Cate, but she canceled our plans to meet, saying she had other commitments. Then, she seemed short with me over text. I asked if she was upset, and she sent a message saying she was disappointed I hadn’t visited her after her surgery and felt I could have made time to stop by for just 10 minutes.
I apologized and explained that with everything going on, I couldn’t visit, but I thought of her and stayed in touch. I now wonder, just because I didn’t visit in person, am I the ahole? My husband, mom, and one bridesmaids all think I’m not, but I want an unbiased opinion. Am I the ahole?
UPDATE:
I texted her, knowing she prefers messages to phone calls, and said I noticed she hasn’t seemed to want to talk much lately but that I’d be here whenever she’s ready. She replied, apologizing and explaining that she needs space to heal and recover from her injury and that we would talk soon.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Thegetupkids678 said:
NTA. She flakes on you relatively regularly. You tried to go see her but she cancelled. You communicated regularly with her sending well wishes and prayers even during a busy time in your life. Sounds like it’s time to reevaluate your relationship with her not the other way around.
OGBrewSwayne said:
Cate abandoned pretty much all of her MOH duties. She wanted to be a MOH without actually being a MOH. Seems like she approaches friendship the same way, and she comes off as selfish, tbh. She's all about receiving, but not about giving back. Maybe she hasn't always been this way, but that appears to be who she is now.
Her surgery happened during an exceptionally busy time for you. A selfless person would understand that you don't have time to stop by for a physical visit and would be very appreciative of you taking time to call and text to check on her. And who knows...
if Cate's prior behavior was less selfish leading up to that point, maybe you would have been more inclined to make the time to visit her during her recovery. We reap what we sow. NTA.
SkepticCroissant said:
NTA - You did what you could to be there for her even when you couldn’t be there in person. It seems like she hasn’t really been a good friend on her part and hasn’t helped you out one bit as a maid of honor. To be so short about something like this after a hectic wedding is the AH behavior.
edwadokun said:
NTA. From what you describe, Cate just wanted the MOH title w/o any responsibility or commitment. Regardless of your wedding, she only had foot surgery, not like it was open heart surgery. She sounds pretty selfish.
Spiritual-Bridge3027 said:
Her surgery was one week before your wedding (that you guys were organizing without much help), you don’t drive - so you did the next best thing and called + messaged her. Given how she has always behaved, take this opportunity as a gift and let Cate go her way. You can get better friends. NTA.
Happy-go-luckyAlways said:
NTA - Of course you don't have time a week before your wedding to visit her...especially if it's a half hour away and you don't drive. She's selfish to expect it. Slowly go NC, who cares how long you've been friends...I'm sure she's played the victim many times before.
Piano-mom said:
NTA - but it feels a little like maybe Cate is growing in a different direction than you. You sound like someone who prioritizes their friends, while she does not. I think the fact that you were checking in with her before and after her surgery is amazing. Her expectations are a little too much. Maybe taking a break from the friendship is a good thing for you.