'AITA for visiting my mom for Christmas instead of MIL, after she cancelled on us two years?'

"AITA for visiting my mom for Christmas instead of MIL, after MIL cancelled on us 2 years in a row, even tho she has bad health issues?"

I’ve never posted before so I hope this makes sense and isn’t too long. Me (38f) and boyfriend (36m) have two kids (4m, 1f). We’ve been together for 8 years. Our families don’t really live close to us.

My mom lives a 10-12 hour drive from us, his dad (FIL) lives an 8-9 drive from us (4-6 hours from my mom), and his mom (MIL) lives a 4-6 hour drive from us. His stepdad lives about an hour from us but we don’t see him super often as he has a lot of health issues and is busy with doctors.

In the four years since our son was born we did Christmas at home, then at my mom’s house, and then two years in a row we organized our entire grandparent visiting schedule around planning to see his mom for Christmas. Each year, she cancelled at the last minute.

I LOVE Christmas and was very upset, and yes I was an idiot to agree to it again after the first year. We ended up having a super low key lunch with his stepdad both years, which was fine, but still. (Also please note, the second cancelled year was when we had a 2 month old baby who she hadn’t yet met.)

Both of those years, we visited later in January I think, and both years it was underwhelming. She is a part time carer for her dad (I think he’s the reason for the second cancelled year? Nobody else could take care of him I guess?) and often when we visit she’s gone most of the day. We had plans to do a proper belated celebration with nice dinner and presents, but it never happened.

This year, I am insisting we visit my mom for Christmas and his mom for thanksgiving (which is two days after our son’s birthday, so it could be a special combo celebration). My boyfriend told her and she requested we switch, so she could have us and SIL all together (SIL does thanksgiving at FIL’s house every year).

I do not want to do it, and when I told him he got very disappointed, saying his mom will be really upset and that he’s worried about her health, and what if it’s the last chance to have Christmas with her.

She DOES have a lot of health issues (crohns, autoimmune stuff, thyroid removed, not sure what else), and he says she downplays it but when he googles stuff she has told him, all the results are alarming and I guess leading him to feel this intense worry.

AITA for not wanting to go and for insisting we see my mom? I am a huge pushover by nature when it comes to this kind of thing and also have a very hard time being able to tell when my choices/thoughts are fair and justified or out of line and AH-ish.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Ma-Hu wrote:

NTA. Twice now you have been let down by her at a time of year you treasure greatly. Your two actual disappointments beat your partner’s one future disappointment. Anyway, it’s not even that his mother *can’t do Thanksgiving, it’s that she wants it done her way again, and who’s to say she won’t cancel again? Meanwhile, you haven’t had Christmas with your own mother for several years. It’s time you did so.

OP responded:

Another factor is that my mom can’t host us for a Thanksgiving trip, or really any time until later in December (her partner is currently recovering from major surgery, is sofa-bound essentially and has to use a wheelchair, and isn’t really up for company while he’s recovering).

Sami_George wrote:

First of all, tell him to stop googling medical stuff. Of course it will seem alarming. But that doesn’t mean it actually is. Second of all, thanksgiving with MIL and Christmas with your family seems like a fine compromise on its own. Throw in that she has had to cancel last minute the last two years, I likely wouldn’t plan to attend an event she hosts again.

And husband saying “this could be her last Christmas” is meaningless. It could also be her last Thanksgiving, by that logic. Better get in for the closer one.

But finally, is there a reason you guys can’t host Christmas? That way, everyone wins. I know most of them live far, but you were going to travel to one of them anyway.

Not that this is your only solution, but it does sound easier for everyone’s expectations. Overall, NTA. You can FaceTime MIL and celebrate on a different day. It’s unfair to have to cancel Christmas two years in a row. No reason to risk cancelling a third. Your children deserve a stress-free Christmas that doesn’t come with a last minute change of plans.

OP responded:

A few other people mentioned us hosting and honestly that would be a dream, but we are renting a small townhouse and the only people who would be willing to come would be my mom and his stepdad.

MIL (even when she was in better health) doesn’t seem willing to take time away from her dad despite him being awful to her and him having multiple other carers. Family dynamics are weird I know, she surely has her reasons for doing the things she does. FIL has a farm and can’t really take any time away.

TrainerHonest2695 wrote:

NTA. At this point, you have also have to give more consideration to how your 4-yr old will be spending Christmas, since they’re now at an age they’ll participate more and remember more. Which relative or home or situation will be best for them?

If MIL is overwhelmed caring for someone, and is not there much when you do visit, that doesn’t sound like a great time for your children, let alone you. I understand your spouses feelings, but visits can be done anytime and still be meaningful, they don’t have to be around a specific holiday.

OP responded:

See the “who will have the best Holiday Magic” is definitely a factor in my mind, but I can’t tell if it’s fair or not so I haven’t expressed it. But my mom for sure wins that one.

blugirlami21 wrote:

NTA. She has gotten you the last two years whether she cancelled or not. Ask your boyfriend how that's fair to your mom who you haven't celebrated with in two years. She can have Thanksgiving as proposed or nothing at all.

OP responded:

So I said something to him about not getting to celebrate with my mom for the last two years so I’d really like to this year, and he was like yeah that’s why I want to see MY mom! It would be crappy of me to make it a “who deserves it more” competition, there’s really no way to balance the family visit rotation and make it feel good for everyone always I’m realizing.

Bowman74 wrote:

NTA. Holidays suck when it comes to family planning. You haven't done XMas with your mom for the last two years because you had plans with her. Now she wants plans with her for the third year in a row.

If you do decide to give it a go for a third year, I would let your mom know that there is a possibility MiL might cancel on you, if so you will be going to mom's house instead. That's certainly what I would have done last year and if you plan to go to MiLs this year, you should have this as an agreed on backup plan.

OP responded:

I think you’re right. Last year was a strange one since we had a newborn, but this year for sure if we end up doing it I’m going to say fuck it and drive to my mom’s the next day if MIL cancels.

MustangTheLionHeart wrote:

NTA. This is an important holiday for you and the family you have with your boyfriend and MIL has proven twice now that she either dgaf if she cancels on you last minute or that she simply is not physically up to it.

I’m not saying this simply because she’s had to cancel but because when you have gone to visit her for the makeup celebration in January she hasn’t made up for the Christmas vibe and left everyone underwhelmed.

Honestly I’m shocked at your boyfriends response, if I had a parent who was so sick that I thought it would be my last holiday with them then I would never make them solo host a whole holiday celebration.

He should be taking the initiative to take the work off his mom’s plate and host at your place so his mom can come to you. Even with SIL joining for Christmas this year do you know if she’s the one taking the reins on hosting and decorating for their sick mom? Or are both her kids just expecting her to do all the prep work while claiming to be “worried about her health?"

Time with family is important, your boyfriend doesn’t get to monopolize particular holidays to be with his family just because of health issues. Life sucks, accidents happen and you never know the last time you may get to celebrate with someone so he needs to compromise like you have the last two years.

OP responded:

So their entire dynamic is weird, I like SIL a lot but her and MIL butt heads and both feel the other is behaving badly (“she never appreciates anything I do” and “she can’t do anything right” etc etc). SIL is more like me in terms of enjoying festivities, so I’m sure she would lead the way with decor and cooking, but would it be taxing and stressful for MIL anyway? maybe. SIL is super messy and not great at cleaning up.

Express-Childhood-16 wrote:

MIL is caregiver for her father. Big assumptions, but based on ages, if mil is 50-65, and her father is 70-85ish, she is carrying a large burden that apparently, like her health issues, she's downplaying. Right or wrong on downplaying, that is another discussion, but caregiving takes a toll, and how can you blame her if she has nobody to step in and can't spend all her time visiting?

Post was vague in regard to this part of the situation, but boyfriend should be having an honest convo with his mother about what's going on, and yes, offering to help out in some way if possible.

OP responded:

I think you are right, he needs to maybe be direct with her and get her to explain more, even if only for his own anxiety. He’s never willing to be that up front with her. We don’t visit that often and I’m not sure why, but I don’t think the responsibility for managing it should be on me, which is why I haven’t forced the issue yet.

I think I’m going to prod him to get more info on her health and then whenever we end up going, he should dedicate himself to helping her out with anything and everything, maybe even going along to grandpa’s house.