'AITA for walking out of my engagement party and refusing to answer calls for three days?' UPDATED
"AITA for walking out of my engagement party and refusing to answer calls for three days?"
My (now) ex-boyfriend proposed four days ago. Let's call him Tim. Tim and I have been together for two years. We talked about marriage, (we are both 26) and kids, etc, and till last week I thought I had the perfect love life. Now, Tim has his best friend Mimi (fake name). Tim also has a friend group he is very close to.
The problem throughout our relationship was, that Tim would place me last whenever his friends were involved. He missed a promotion dinner for my work because Mimi's dog was throwing up. He missed Diwali celebrations with my family because his friends wanted him to help paint their new house.
Plus, some issues during his teenage years involving his friends, resulted in his dad threatening to take away his inheritance and distribute it to relatives. For context: His dad introduced us, and till last year, before I left the workplace which I joined straight after college, his dad was my boss. I still see him as a father figure and respect him a lot.
Now, I have outright told Tim that I don't like public proposals. I am very introverted, and having eyes on me during a loving moment will only cause me anxiety. Tim said he understood and promised he wouldn't do one when he proposed.
Another thing I told Tim was that Mimi treats me passive-aggressively because I'm kind of an anxious person, (I have mild OCD), and asked him to not involve her in our affairs. Tim said Mimi only wants the best for us. I kind of didn't press the issue after he got defensive.
Thursday, after I entered my flat, I was greeted by all of Tim's friends, with Tim in a suit, and a ring in hand. I kid you not, my flat was swarmed. There were people I didn't even know! Before Tim even said anything Mimi chimed in and said: " Chill OP, dear god, this is not the time to make that face." I saw red.
I was having a severe anxiety attack, as I don't do well with lots of people. I calmly told them that there would be no proposal and to get the hell out of my flat. They looked like in shock, so I just left my flat with just my purse, called my best friend on the way and told her to get them out, and just called a car service and sat in the car, crying, for two hours and went to my cabin I brought.
I texted my parents, so they wouldn't worry and told them to not take Tim's calls, switched off my phone, and stayed there. Luckily I had enough cash to make a grocery run, and the cabin was used last month. I only switched my phone on when I was calling a car and saw the barrage of calls and texts.
I called Tim in the car, and he sounded defeated and kept on apologizing and crying. I told him it was over. Turns out my best friend told his dad, who was so mad, he told him that he would only get half his inheritance.
I now feel that I reacted very badly and could have handled it with grace. I might have let my anxiety take over and overreacted and I cost Tim his money. AITA?
Edit: My ex-bf and I are both Indians. One of the reasons why Tim's dad likes me is that I am from the same culture (though I am not comfortable with this reasoning). I am a lawyer and make enough money to buy and maintain a flat and a cabin. Tim only has access to my flat.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
So essentially, the proposal was what MIMI wanted. Not what you wanted. She knew you weren't going to like it which was why she made the statement that she did right when you walked in This was her goal the entire time. She wants your ex to herself. So don't feel bad for your ex. He's a dumb$#@ and he's stuck with Mimi now. That being said...CHANGE THE LOCKS ON YOUR APARTMENT.
And when you get home, make sure nothing is missing and nothing is damaged or broken. If it is, send the bill to your ex. Frankly, I'd have the entire place deep cleaned and send him the bill as well as the bill for the locksmith. Odds are his father would force him to pay for it
Look...Mimi wants your ex. She was always going to ruin your relationship so just be glad it happened now before marriage and kids were involved. NTA.
I've often pondered in horror what I would do if my partner sprung this kind of proposal on me, and "Immediately fleeing to my cabin that nobody else can come to" is f'n top tier. Tim deserves this.
OP is a queen and my new hero.
NTA This was totally a set up to goad you into breaking off the relationship. Tim is just interested in his dad’s money. Too bad for Tim his dad saw right through the stunt. You can do so much better.
NTA and I bet he ends up marrying Mimi within 2 years.
About a week later OP came back with this update:
Most people in both my previous posts said that it wasn't my fault, and after properly speaking to my family and friends, I realised that I was indeed, not that wrong. The bit about changing the locks, I'll get to that later, but my best- friend (who is staying with me for a few days), said that she checked and everything in my flat was in the right place, so I guess that's one problem less.
People who keep sending me DM's saying it is fake because I own a cabin, I have no answer for that. Yes, I make enough money to live comfortably on my own and also have an extra place that I like to go to alone.
And to some really funny gentlemen who have sent me more DM's on how I'd never find a husband if I didn't learn to keep my mouth shut, please eat s*&^. I don't have the mental space to argue with [ ] right now.
For the main update, I went and spoke to Tim's dad first. He was very mad at his son. He kept saying that Tim had finally crossed limits with that group and asked me to forgive his son. I respectfully told him that even if I got back with his son, my dad wouldn't approve.
Which was true, and I said that, because I knew for Tim's dad, my dad's opinion mattered more. His dad then said that he was deeply sorry and that he would still support me if I needed help in the future. And I decided to take the things he left at my flat to him because I didn't want him over mine ever again.
Tim said he was very sorry, that he hadn't thought I was being genuine about my social anxiety (he has seen me get panic attacks in crowds), and he thought that his friend's enthusiasm would be a positive thing.
I asked him why none of my friends were there, and he said that because I have a very small number of friends, he thought we would have a nice dinner with them to share the news. Not gonna lie, his words hurt, because his friends deserved to be at the proposal but mine didn't because there were only five of them?
Tim also mentioned that Mimi didn't like one of my friends because she was a single mom, and it just made me more mad. I told him that he would be better off marrying Mimi because it was quite clear everything in his life was about her.
I told him that he was a s#$% partner and the reason why I wouldn't marry him and his dad is going to cut off his money is because he has let Mimi bully me throughout our relationship and it was Mimi's words that made me leave the proposal. Tim looked very hurt and started apologizing. He also said that he never cheated on me, that he loved me, and he promised to do better.
I told him I'd give him a chance if he cut off every one of his friends and moved with me to another city. He started crying at that and said he possibly couldn't live that way and asked me to reconsider. I told him I knew he would never choose me over his 'friends'.
And I was feeling very petty, so I told him that Mimi would also never choose him over her successful boyfriend nor would any of his friends choose him over their own families. He told me he was very sorry, and that he would limit contact with them, but I told him there was no way I was going to be with him.
I dropped his things, and I wanted to cry because he wouldn't even get up from the sofa or apologize or say that he wouldn't speak to Mimi again. He just turned his face away. I left.
Mimi later came by to my flat and asked if we could talk, so I let her in. My friend says it was a dumb move, but I was working and crying at the same time, so I wasn't thinking much. She said that Tim yelled at her for 'ruining his relationship', and she didn't know what she did wrong.
I honestly, had zero energy for her, and just told her if she was done talking to please leave. Mimi said that she just wanted to be there for Tim, and me making his dad cut him off was an awful thing to do. I then asked why she made a comment she knew would piss me off when I was being proposed to.
Mimi replied that it was 'a joke' and I shouldn't have taken her seriously. I just asked her to leave, after that. She said she hoped I would be happy in the future, so I guess that was it. All of Tim's friend's numbers are blocked, including Mimi's. I blocked Tim and I'll get the locks changed next week.
I wish I could write something positive here, but alas. Hopefully, there will be no more updates on this. [OP deleted their account after this post]
Here's what people had to say after the update:
I think getting rid of the absolute jellyfish you were dating is a pretty positive thing to write. It sucks now, but you'll laugh with friends about the bullet you dodged once it's not as fresh. Wishing you luck!
I object to your insult to jellyfish, I'm sure they have a lot more spine than Tim.
The funny thing is Mimi doesn't want Tim she just doesn't want him to put any woman before her, and Tim is just pathetic.
I think you did the best. But if possible, could you explain these "friends" of your ex better to me? Like is it some kind of friendship relationship where they only stay close to him because he pays for everything for everyone?
OP responded:
They are friends from school. Mimi included. They are a group of 8-9 people and 2 of them are engaged and one is married. Tim is (technically) the most well-to-do guy in the group, Well, his dad is. Plus, Tim always helps them out.
He helps build projects, always sets up decorations at parties himself whenever any of them hosts, and even pays a few of their bills and always gives them gifts. I thought he was a very good man, and very generous, but never did any of that stuff for me. Nor for his dad. He only helps out his friends