'AITA for walking out on a dinner with my husband’s sister and her boyfriend?' UPDATED
"AITA for walking out on a dinner with my husband’s sister and her boyfriend?"
So my (34F) husband (32M) is the youngest in his family. We’ve been married for a little less than a year now but I noticed his eldest sister (37F) is super difficult and controlling.
My husband has warned me about her (let’s call her H) ever since we met, and he was even super nervous before he introduced me to her. I made sure to be super nice and courteous, and we hit it off, specially that we realized we know a lot of the same people from our similar field of work.
Over time, I noticed H’s toxic behavior with her siblings, specially with my husband since he’s extremely peaceful and non confrontational. She would disrespect him a lot, give unsolicited commands, she even keeps commenting about how much attention he gives me.
She thinks we’re “super codependent” and that he needs to give me less attention lol. We are not codependent at all we just really enjoy hanging out with each other and prefer doing things together.
Yesterday H and her boyfriend were visiting (she lives in another country) and she wanted us all to meet him for the first time. My husband was with them by himself for an hour or so, and while his brother, his wife and I were on the way to meet them, my husband kept texting me saying he felt like a third wheel and they weren’t really involving him in the conversation.
We finally get there and we meet them and we are deciding where to have dinner. We quickly noticed how chaotic H was acting, ordering us around to call restaurants and check for bookings, to go this way or that way, to hurry up because it was late and we needed to eat.
My husband, H and boyfriend and I were sharing a car and my husband was driving to the restaurant. We were chatting and it was normal, until H decided to make fun of my husband and his slow driving and kept being super annoying to hurry up and drive faster.
She even kept interrupting her boyfriend when he was telling stories to tell my husband to hurry up. Then when the brother and his wife called to say they arrived, and we still had 15 mins to get there, H went full blown bully.
She kept disrespecting my husband in front of the boyfriend and my husband was trying his best to bite his tongue. It was so obvious that we all got so uncomfortable, specially the boyfriend who kept saying “it’s ok guys that we’re taking longer we’re enjoying the conversation”.
The last straw for me was when we got to the area and it was so crowded and my husband was trying to make a U-turn to get to the restaurant, and H told him to stop here so she and her boyfriend can get out and walk to the restaurant before we can go and find parking, and my husband couldn’t stop because there were cars moving all around.
She threw a tantrum and kept berating my husband for not being able to stop on the spot when she wanted him to. It ruined the whole mood. Eventually my husband stopped a little further down the road and they stepped out.
I was so upset and almost tearful walking into the restaurant and my husband kept calming me down saying it doesn’t matter and he doesn’t care what she says. I told him she ruined our mood by being disrespectful and I’m not going to mask being happy so she can have a fun night.
We sit at the table and we were obviously in a bad mood, and H turns to my husband and says “are you guys ok?” And he says yes we’re just tired and hungry. She noticed how I’m not engaging in the conversation at all and she turns to my husband again and says “if you guys don’t want to be here no one is forcing you you can leave we came here to have a good time”.
I turn to her and say “what did you say to my husband?” She says “I was telling him how if you guys don’t want to be here I don’t want to force you, you can leave” and I say “personally, yes I don’t want to be here and I will leave”. My husband then says to the group “ok guys we’re heading out, enjoy the rest of the dinner, it was a pleasure meeting you, boyfriend” and we walk out.
My husband agrees with me that she was out of line, but he hates being in any kind of conflict and is stressed out about the situation. I feel like setting boundaries is very important even if it means having to be in a fight or whatever. Was I the AH for instigating walking out and causing a rift between my husband and his sister, and making her look bad in front of her boyfriend?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. She will never see or understand how she makes other people feel. I hope you and your husband can do everything to minimise contact with her for your own good.
Whoamiwhatisthis- (OP)
When we spoke after, I told my husband that I can’t keep tolerating how she treats you without putting a stop to it. I told him that next time she treats you with disrespect we need to remove ourselves from the situation, until she learns that she can’t have a relationship with us if she’s disrespectful to any of us.
She was testing her brother’s boundaries in front of her boyfriend to show dominance. You called her bluff. Now, her boyfriend knows exactly what she's like, and your husband knows what it feels like to be defended. Win-win.
Whoamiwhatisthis- (OP)
Funny thing is, literally the same day over lunch she was talking about how she hates toxic masculinity and how she had to adopt aggressive tactics at work so that people can take her seriously, and that’s why she’s not married still because men don’t like tough women.
Who’s gonna tell her…
I feel also bad for the boyfriend what he see in her..... Also you guys need to cut her out of your life ..she is a crazy witch...who thinks world move around her.....Just don't become her doormat and tell her who is boss in this city .....you are not her servants ......you have your own life....
And tell your husband to spine up it is time to standup for himself and for both of us....his respect is your respect tell him you didn't want anything to do with his sister who didn't respect other people wishes....
Six days later, the OP returned with an update.
Everyone told me that I had the right to walk out and she was being extremely rude, which made me feel sane because sometimes I feel like I’m crazy with my reactions to very obvious instances of disrespect that the whole family seems to brush off.
Anyway, so after the incident, I talked to my husband and told him that I will not tolerate disrespect from H and what she did was extremely out of line. I also told him that it is extremely upsetting when she disrespects him, and while I understand his stance on being the bigger person, a line needs to be drawn with her. He agreed and said he will talk to her.
Next day they had a day planned with the boyfriend, which I thankfully apologized from before this whole thing happened. My husband’s brother “J” called him before the outing and we all discussed what happened.
J tried to explain how H doesn’t have bad intentions etc and I told him that I never said H was malicious, I just think as adults when someone is disrespectful the bare minimum is to acknowledge and apologize.
After a long back and forth, they agreed that J will ask H to have a conversation about what happened with J present before going to their thing, and I told them I don’t think I should be part of this conversation since I’m not part of the family and I personally wouldn’t want to initiate the conversation with her.
When I saw my husband after, he told me the conversation went very well and that she was super receptive and empathetic. She apologized to my husband, and she told him she was very worried that I judged her negatively based on this incident.
My husband told her that you can talk to her about it, she is a very understanding and empathetic person and will hear you out. I was happy for my husband, but very skeptical.
Honestly speaking, and knowing how narcissists think, she only apologized to my husband and acted understanding because she didn’t want me to judge her further. Anyways I told my husband of course she can talk to me anytime.
I waited, and waited, and she never reached out lol. My husband hinted at me initiating, and I freaked out on him, telling him in what world does it make sense for me to initiate this talk. If she has a pride problem then it’s her problem.
Fast forward to yesterday, which was her last day, after a long day at work where I finished at 7:30 pm, my husband tells me they are having a family dinner at their parents at 8 pm to say goodbye to H.
I told him that I don’t have the mental capacity for that right now, specially knowing that there might be and back and forth with H, and specially not knowing how she plans to bring it up or decides to deal with it considering her pride issue. I texted in the family group that I apologize for not being able to make it today and wished H safe travels.
My husband goes without me, and apparently H brings up the fact that I didn’t come and they all have a talk about it. As a I suspected, H is now saying that she doesn’t think she was rude to me at all, and she has no reason to apologize to me.
My husband tells her that she was in fact rude and she in fact needs to apologize. H suddenly twists the narrative and talks about how since the day she met me, she has been trying to build a relationship with me but I don’t reciprocate.
No idea what she’s talking about here, since I’m the one who pushes my husband to give her attention and I’m the one who pushed that instead of getting her generic flowers for her birthday this year we should pitch in and get her a personal antique item that she would enjoy. Besides, this argument has nothing to do with the main issue???
Anyways, long story short, I know I’ve been petty with not initiating and now going to the dinner, but I think it’s a matter of principle. Also, I told my husband that if she doesn’t want to reach out and talk, then that’s something she is deciding and I won’t try and solve this issue for her. AITA????
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
You're not the AH here. Not going to the goodbye dinner was actually very responsible of you. There had been no contact and no conversation with H. If you went, either there would have been a confrontation or you would have been made to feel even worse by H and her narcissistic attitude towards the entire situation. H has left and you really shouldn't give her any more brain space. She's not worth it.
You need to talk with your husband about how to handle this going forward. Talks are going to do nothing. Resolution is not what she wants. She wants to be able to treat you poorly and have you suck it up.
And there is no such thing as "keep the peace" with a person like this (I know, I have 3 in my family I'm now LC or NC with after setting boundaries and having them blown). This is a big deal and will affect your relationship with your husband and his family from now on. You will be the villain.
Whoamiwhatisthis- (OP)
I totally agree! I did have a conversation with my husband and I didn’t flat out call his sister a narcissist, but I told him that she shows narcissistic traits and it’s very triggering for me since I cut off my mother because of it.
He is subconsciously guilt tripping me into “being the bigger person” because he is so happy that his sister finally likes one of his partners (lol), and I called him out on it. I told him that her liking me isn’t the ultimate goal, the ultimate goal is respect.
I also told him that the fact that his sister never liked any of his partners and now with the only one she actually “likes” she is causing issues, is telling of she is the problem.
Four days later, the OP returned with another update.
So I posted an original and an update on this, please look at my profile if you haven’t seen them. Some comments I got after the first update was that I’m overreacting and that since she apologized to her brother then I should just get over it and not make it about me.
I want to clarify a couple of things:
1- during the first convo with my husband, she apologized to him for being a jerk in the car. She acknowledged that it was rude to ask us to leave the table if we didn’t want to be there. She confirmed to my husband that she will have a talk with me about it.
2- I am indeed expecting an apology for putting me in that position at the dinner table in front of someone we barely knew and embarrassing the both of us.
3- she changed her mind the second time she talked to my husband about needing to talk to me about it, and that it wasn’t rude to ask us to leave the dinner table.
Anyways, with that said, since the last talk she had with my husband, she told both my FIL and MIL about the incident. The way she portrayed it was that I am upset with her and she doesn’t know why, and that she apologized to my husband about the car, and she simply asked us during dinner if we are ok, and that I suddenly stood up and left the table without saying anything.
Obviously that’s a complete lie, but thankfully my husband told both my FIL and MIL exactly what happened and they both agreed that H was out of line and that she should indeed at least send me a text to check in. And they did tell her this, but she is refusing to do.
Since that day, I haven’t received anything from her, except today she sent me a private text about an event I am working on telling me about someone who is attending. Obviously she wants to continue life like nothing happened.
So this is where I am at now:
1- either send a thumbs up, and moving forward I will have minimal engagement with her.
2- or send her a text that mainly says “I know you don’t want to reach out, I decided to initiate to clear the air, I don’t appreciate when you treat my husband like trash, so when it happens in front of me in the future I will always get ticked off.
I think it was rude to ask us to leave the table in front of your boyfriend and if you think that’s ok then that’s your prerogative but it will definitely mean that I have to change my relationship with you.”
So, lol, what do you guys think. I’m so tired of this whole thing. Thank you to everyone who has given me advice and has stuck through with all the updates, I appreciate you.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
It really won't make a difference what you send because she's had nearly 4 decades of convincing herself she's the victim / in the right in any given situation. She is not going to admit to herself that she's the problem, let alone genuinely apologise.
So I think your best path forward is to do as you had said previously. ANY time she disrespects either of you in your presence, you will call her up on it and you AND your husband will remove yourself from the situation. Every time.
Even if it embarrasses or angers her, makes your husband feel stressed about not keeping the peace, or upsets his parents about family fractures. She needs to be held accountable. And you know, don't expect it to change her behaviour -- it likely never will. But it will mean that your husband no longer has to tolerate such appalling behaviour from his sister.
Ignore her contact and block her going forward. Tell your husband that you won’t attend anything where he is expected to pick her up or be in her company without others and that she is not welcome in your home.
Don't send any substantial message to someone over text. It's just a recipe for more drama because it creates a constant back and forth. Texting isn't a good way to have a conversation. Text her back: "I don't wish to engage with you until you initiate a phone or in-person conversation with me about that evening."