'AITA for walking out on my GF's family after I said I was uncomfortable meeting them all at once?'
"AITA for walking out on meeting my girlfriend’s family after I told her I was uncomfortable with meeting them all at the same time?"
I’m really stumped on this one. Jenny (24) and I (25M) have been dating for 6 months. She told me right from the start she had an unconventional set-up. She told me that she was an atheist but had been brought up as a Mormon and that her father practiced polygamy.
I had to ask her what she meant and she basically stated that her parents were legally married, but she had 2 secondary moms (she calls them her dad’s partners) and she has 15 siblings from all 3 unions. I was very very stumped as I wasn’t aware the religion was widely practiced here (outside of US but in an English speaking country).
She said she isn’t vocal about the inner workings of her family as she’s not sure about the legality of the whole situation but I was cool with it. Restrictions have been eased for a while here so we talked about meeting each other’s families. I only have my two parents and my brother so she met them very easily one weekend and it went great.
Due to the large number of her family, we walked that one out in great detail. I told her meeting 19 people in one day was way too much for me so I asked if meeting her mother and father plus the 2 other moms would be okay to start with then maybe next time I could meet a few of her siblings. She said sure and we arranged it at the weekend just passed.
We met up and drove out to where she said her parents all lived in a huge kind of plot of land. She told me explicitly the kids were probably at one house whilst the parents were in one. All seemed fine. She led me into one of the houses and it was weirdly empty.
She kept telling me to follow her and she led me to the backyard where all 19 of her family were standing. I was confused and thought maybe the parents had accidentally told the kids and then, I would have been overwhelmed but okay with the misunderstanding. Jenny told me that no, she’d told everyone to be there and admitted she lied to me so I’d meet everyone.
I was furious. I said to her I wasn’t comfortable with being thrown into the deep end of meeting so many people and I was so angry that I walked away, got in my car and drove away.
Jenny’s been blowing up my phone ever since saying I’m overreacting and not being accepting of her family. Somehow the parents got my number too (I think Jenny gave it to them) and they’re doing the same. My brother says it’s way too much to be meeting all these people and I’m confused about if I’m an AH or not.
Edit: I feel like I need to clarify. I am in a country that isn’t the US and also not Canada like someone commented so Mormonism does exist here but is pretty uncommon here. for those asking, I’m in New Zealand.
What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:
Aromatic-Ice-968 said:
NTA. It's not about your acceptance of her family; it's about her disrespect of your boundaries. This is not a good relationship if she's going to lie to you like this.
OP responded:
If her family want to live the way they’re living that’s fine. I just didn’t want to meet almost 20 people at once.
Unhappy-Coffee-1917 said:
NTA. Firts red flag: She showed you that she can't respect your boundaries and she is wiling to trick you in order to get what she wants even when she knows it will make you uncomfortable.
Second red flag: when you (understandably) walked away she unleashed her family against you. A good partner always shields his SO from his extended family, never the contrary. I think you got a taste of the toxic dynamics you will be subjected to with this girl. I mean, what could you expect from a family who illegally practiced polygamy? Run.
[deleted] said:
NTA. I think Jenny needs to realise growing up in a family like hers isn’t the norm. It’s a lot to deal with in one setting meeting 19 people all at once. I think you may have to ask yourself can you actually deal with dating someone with a family that size? You don’t just have Jenny to deal with, but her whole entire family.
And wi11forgetusername said:
NTA. She's clearly a honeypot trying to convert you. Things just don't make sense of we don't assume this. First, they are radical mormons. Yup, radical is the right word, but we can say fundamentalist. Polygamy is discouraged (at least on the surface...) nowadays in the main sect, with some resistente from radical communities and individuals.
It's impossible for her, being an atheist, not be excommunicated from a radical family. Also, the fact she completely disregarded your boundaries and lied with no shame is nothing less than entrapment. Her inciting her whole family to attack you is also a sign. Run. Run far away and don't look back!
yaypal said:
NTA. Mormons that are hardcore enough to still practice polygamy would disown an athiest daughter, not accept her. I never say this but you're at an extreme risk of being baby trapped, break up with her immediately or if you're going to wait a few days. Do not sleep together. Even with protection.
OP responded:
We haven’t actually started sleeping together yet. So I guess is that a plus? I’m not sure. This whole situation is starting to make me rethink a lot.