'AITA for walking out on my husband after he decided to adopt his ex affair partner's kid?'

"AITA for walking out on my husband over an unexpected stepdaughter?"

My husband was previously married. He and his wife both had affairs during the marriage, though he openly admits to doing so more than her. They had some fundamental compatibility issues for sure. They ended the marriage when their daughter “Julie” was 9. He and I met a year later. Julie is now 16, and our kids together are 5 and 3.

A few days ago, he tells me he has something to tell me. He tells me that an affair partner of his recently tracked him down and told him he was the father to her now-10-year-old “Olivia.” Who was of course conceived during his first marriage.

He had gone on a “work trip” out of town that was actually to see his former AP, get a DNA test, and meet Julie. He tells me that when he got there, it was immediately clear that the AP was really struggling mental health wise, and she sprung it on him that she wanted him to take primary custody which he had on the spot agreed to do because “what else was he supposed to say.”

I was PISSED. We’re supposed to be a team and he should NEVER have agreed without talking to me. And while intellectually I knew he had affairs during his first marriage, seeing the proof is very different.

I am already juggling 2 toddlers with a stepdaughter that doesn’t even want to be here most of the time because teenagers, I don’t need another angsty stepdaughter that I’m the primary care provider for (I work PT from home he works FT outside the house so I’m with all of the kids way more than him). He’s convinced Olivia and Julie (who does not know yet) will get along great.

He asked if I was really going to bar my stepdaughter from our house and I said I didn’t even know I had another stepdaughter until today how is that fair. He said we didn’t have a choice and the outcome would be the same either way. I was so angry that I had to leave the house and go to my sister’s where I am now.

He's begging me to come back because Julie gets here tomorrow and he wants us to be a united front, he needs to tell her ASAP before she finds out on her own via other means.

But my sister said I just needed to “roll with it” and Olivia’s existence had nothing to do with my relationship and wasn’t Olivia’s fault anyway. And while Julie hasn’t yet been told, Julie’s mom (his ex) has and her reaction was very low-key immediately fine with it because it’s not like she didn’t know he cheated.

What do you think? AITA for walking out? This is what commenters had to say:

VoyagerVII said:

NTA. If he wanted you as a united front, he should have brought you in on the process from the beginning. If you stay with him, then yes, you will need to accept this child and welcome her as your own.

It's not fair to her to have the adult who's her primary caregiver treating her as an imposition. But for exactly that reason, your husband should never have agreed to take her in without your involvement -- frankly, even if he was committed to taking her in no matter what, he should have invited you into the process earlier and listened to what you had to say about it.

Also for exactly that reason, you shouldn't go back unless you're genuinely prepared to welcome her without reservations. If you don't think you can do this, you're better off leaving for good... partly for your own protection and partly for hers.

Forward_Squirrel8879 said:

NTA - He should have told you as soon as the AP reached out about the child potentially being his. The fact that he kept that from you, and lied about taking a work trip, is a major breach of trust. The outcome of that trip always had the potential to impact both of you. But the child is his (I assume he did in fact get a DNA test) and can no longer stay with her mother so he has a responsibility to care for her.

Your options are to get on board or remove yourself from the situation (i.e. divorce). There is no middle ground here. If you do stay, family and couples therapy are going to be a must, along with individual therapy for Olivia.

OP responded:

I said that, his reasoning was that he barely knew AP and hadn't talked to her in a decade, he didn't know what whether it was legit or some kind of elaborate scam or what she would want even if it was, and he wanted to get a DNA test on his own terms done before he blew up his life or anyone else's or stressed anyone else out.

Which I semi-understand but he should have told me still. I did notice he was being weird in the last two weeks but didn't know why

Material_Cellist4133 said:

You do realize his ex found out before you…you also do realize that he told you the day before so you are forced to show the United front without thinking over it… Like think of all these things.

I simplified the story but AP tracked him down via his ex, she didn't give any details just could she get his contact info (he's not on social media or very google-able, while the ex is). Officially ex didn't know until after I did but she had suspicions and in hindsight was talking to me more than usual, kind of gearing up to tell me or at least very subtly hint that something was up if he didn't.

And OP responded:

I simplified the story but AP tracked him down via his ex, she didn't give any details just could she get his contact info (he's not on social media or very google-able, while the ex is). Officially ex didn't know until after I did but she had suspicions and in hindsight was talking to me more than usual, kind of gearing up to tell me or at least very subtly hint that something was up if he didn't.

samanthacarter4 said:

This is too fishy. No one finds out they have a daughter, goes to visit her after not being aware of her existence for 10 years, and just decides to bring her back. And the kid is just okay with leaving behind everything she has ever known to come with someone who was a total stranger to her up until a day ago. All while her mother is still alive and well BTW.

He is either incredibly stupid, which I doubt, or he was aware of her existence beforehand. If he is so concerned with Olivia there are SO many possibilities to work with: her maternal side of the family, his family, a temporary placement, anything at all to get his new family AND Olivia a chance to aclimated to the new situation.

And yes, while Olivia's existence is not her fault, there are so many solutions that will be better for her than to go with her estranged father. You don't just rip away a kid from their family and home and drop them on your unsuspecting spouse, a kid is not a dog.

As a father to 3 kids he should know this better than most, which make his choice of simply taking Olivia with him all the more strange. You are right to be angry with him, but if I were you I'd also be concerned with whether or not he is even telling the truth.

And OP responded:

He didn't bring her back, she's not here yet, they have to tell Julie first and make arrangements but that's the plan. There's no good time to do that to a kid of course but she just finished school for the year so the idea is she'll come here and have the second half of summer to get settled and start school here and they'll reevaluate a year from now.

Her mom is very much in mental health crisis mode but is still with it enough to know that she's in crisis and was probably afraid Olivia would get put in the system and just didn't feel like she was capable of being a parent. She doesn't have any other maternal family that's why she reached out, I'm sure if she did she'd have given Olivia to them to take care of.