'AITA for walking out of my parents' anniversary party when my brother announced his engagement to my ex?"

"AITA for walking out of my parents' anniversary party when my brother announced his engagement to my ex?"

I just discovered my brother (29M) has secretly been seeing my college ex-girlfriend (32M) over the past year. We broke up 8 years ago and we'd been going out 4 years prior to the split but we actually knew each other very seriously when we'd been together. I challenged him when I discovered this and he said he didn't say anything to me b/c he didn't want me to get angry with him.

Last weekend we celebrated my parents' 40th anniversary celebration. My brother brought her to the party as his guest without letting me know beforehand. Her arrival with my brother left me shocked since we broke up and I hadn't laid eyes on her since then. During the meal, they declared their engagement and my mom began crying tears of joy.

I couldn't take it and left. My brother trailed behind me and we got in a big fight. I told him he should have warned me at the very least. He said I was being self-centered and spoiling our parents' party.

That evening my dad phoned me telling me I humiliated the family by leaving.

I don't have romantic feelings towards my ex anymore, but the surprise reveal and secrecy at my parents' celebration feel thoughtless. AITA?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

ArniePalmie365 wrote:

NTA. Reversed for any one of them, they would feel the same way. It’s weird enough that your brother pursued your ex. Even worse he’d keep the relationship a secret and then drop a huge bomb in front of a lot of people like that.

If I had a friend date an ex of mine I’d expect it to be made known and treated with the nuance the situation deserves, so obviously for a SIBLING that is the literal least he could have done.

I’m also guessing that in this situation your parents must’ve known about the relationship and hid it from you as well. It sounds like they were just excited about getting a daughter in law and totally disregarded how uncomfortable it would be for you.

I don’t think walking out is rude. Sure maybe you could have told your parents you were wanting to head home or something but I think that is a pretty adult response to that situation. Many people would have blown up on the spot. Way to be for standing up for yourself.

Cartwheelsoverlouds wrote:

Did you family all know that they'd been seeing each other for the last year, and kept it from you? I understand that finding out a year-long deception, topped with the surprise attendance and announcement was a shock. More compounded if you're the only one in the dark, and your family were all delighted. NTA.

Artistic_Figure_9362 wrote:

NTA. And here's why. Billions of women on Planet Earth, but she's "the one" for him? Okay, fine, whatever. You decided to leave, to manage whatever discomfort you were feeling in private. There was nothing wrong with that.

It's actually a more mature way to handle it than popping off in the moment and then needing to apologize later. But no, your brother was too busy trying to force you into whatever dynamic he envisioned when he set this ambush in motion. It's rich of him to call you "self-centered" when he made your parents' anniversary party about his engagement.

Only you know whether it's inherently weird in your immediate family for your brother to be engaged to someone you didn't even know he was dating, but it sounds like everyone knew except for you. So, my question is this: If all this is completely "normal," and your reaction is all bad and wrong and out of pocket, why the secrecy in the first place?

Upbeat_Selection357 wrote:

ESH. You broke up 8 years ago. She's been your ex longer than she was your gf. Your brother is right in calling you self centered. That said, you brother was foolish to not give you a heads up. His excuse was that he didn't want to upset you, but what was his plan?

I also think your family should have had a little more grace for you when you left the party. The real disruption came from them making an issue of it, rather than letting you remove yourself from what was an upsetting situation to you.

Thisisnotmynameofc wrote:

I feel where you’re coming from. This is so inappropriate that it’s just gross. The fact that nobody was surprised means everybody already knew. That is something to be angry about, because it suggests nobody seem to expect that this could have an impact on you.

However it was an evening for your parents and you could have sucked it up to give them their night. While I’m thinking about it...your brother expected you to keep quit, because it was your parents night. Did he plan it this night just to prevent a scene?

Outrageous-Ad-9635 wrote

YTA.

Yes, a heads up would have been good, but you’re a 32-year-old adult and you’ve been broken up with your ex for eight years! You reacted dramatically and made your parents’ party all about you. Time to grow up mate.

No-Inflation8412 wrote:

What is it with all these parents supporting their kids getting with their other children’s exes it’s just downright weird that they can accept two of their children have banged the same woman and have intimate knowledge of her.

Just can’t wrap my head around it. What kind of woman goes for the brother of her ex that she was with for 4years. Did she always have a thing for him? I just find it all a bit inc--ty even though it technically isn’t. Drop the lot to save the rot. No one needs that in their life.

empreur wrote:

ESH. If you don’t have feelings for her anymore, why do you care? Two consenting adults and all that.

For your brother, if he doesn’t have a history of keeping his relationships secret he ought to have mentioned it long before now.