'AITA want to do my own Christmas day and not one with my BF's family?'
"AITA want to do my own Christmas day and not one with my BF's family?"
This Christmas I (F23) wanted to go to church for my grandmother's mass. Every year I tell myself I'll go, but I can't bring myself to do it. I don't want to bother anyone, I'll always wince when I hear something pop, because it reminds me of how my grandmother's ribs cracked when she passed.
It's hard for me to go to the grave to express my sadness, I'm not the most religious person, but it's easier for me to visit the grave and say something about my life and try to "talk." Since my grandmother's passing, I just can't bring myself to do it, for at least two years now. I told my boyfriend (M24) that I was going to mass this year and asked him where we were going to stay for Christmas this year.
He said it's for me to decide, that he didn't care. I said we'd be at my place for Christmas and at his place for New Year's (he agreed), I also asked him if he would go to the grave with me, but he's not religious so I can't get him anywhere near something like that, so I don't even bother him with this world of mine.
Now, two days before Christmas, he's nagging me that, his sister and mom are nagging to him to spend Christmas with them (his family), because it's his sisters son's birthday. It'll be the first time it's celebrated on the same day (she always separated Christmas and his birthday on a different day). I said that he can decide on his own what he will do, but I already have plans.
We've already bought presents for his nephew, so he does not have any extra work to do. Then he told me that I always say I'm going to mass, but I haven't gone yet. And he doesn't like my answer, that he should celebrate Christmas his way. Besides, I don't have the best relationship with his family (and I just sit and wait for us to go when we're there, it's so messy and I'm a germophobe but it is not like I never go).
It's true that his sister always wishes me a happy birthday over the phone (I'll also wish her son a happy birthday), but that's it for that day. AITA? Did I react wrong and should I go to a birthday party for Christmas?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
bigcityboonies wrote:
I can't get past the 'wincing when there's a popping sound because of the grandmother's ribs'? Huh?
OP responded:
My grandmother was being resuscitated because she had stopped breathing and I was there and tried to help.
suitable_departure98 wrote:
I’m sorry your boyfriend's nephew doesn’t get a proper birthday & it’s getting rolled into Christmas. As a December baby, I know how much that sucks on the long term.
NTA for doing your own thing at Christmas. Your bf can join you before or after his family thing.
midcen-mod1018 wrote:
“I also asked him if he would go to the grave with me, but he's not religious so I can't get him anywhere near something like that, so I don't even bother him with this world of mine.” NTA but this is a boyfriend who never gets promoted to fiancée, much less husband. If he wanted to support you, he would.
jcocab wrote:
Do you hope holding mass will make you feel comforted and more connected to your grandmother? You had a horrible experience in witnessing her traumatic death and mass could help with closure, do other family members go each year whom you can go with?
You might talk to your bf's sister and let her know that you are sorry to miss the event for her son and would like to have seen him open the gifts from you; also that it has taken time to steel yourself to do this special event in honor of your lost grandmother.
Let her know that next year you'd consider doing the birthday-Christmas, while this year you need to stick with your original plan for a more quiet day of reflection. You and bf both feel family obligations.
Your bf should have said he already had plans when his sister came up with the party combo idea. He may also have been dreading grave/church as not connected and possibly grave phobia; just as you dread the sister's messy house. Your nta, although without trying to change his mind or yours it would be important to talk to try to fully understand each other's perspectives.
DaughterofSamantha wrote:
NTA. Even if a person is not religious, they can go to a grave for you. You’re not anointing him or making him pray - he will be going to some park where dead bodies are to keep you company. So, take that excuse out of there.
You both made plans and agreed to them. He is now changing the terms and guilting you about something you have emotionally difficulty doing alone for some time which he refuses to help or be a part of for you.
Now it’s a sudden change of plans and you need to jump and change everything, once you finally built up enough courage to go to this for your grandmother. You said he can go. You are being an adult about it. It’s nice that he wants you there, but he is taking any consideration of you out of the whole ordeal and just thinking about him.
HekkoCZ responded:
"Even if a person is not religious, they can go to a grave for you."
My husband is not religious but he visits his parents' grave. And when my grandma passed, he went to the mass with me and held my hand.