'AITA for wanting to give up my son after discovering he isn’t mine?' UPDATED 3X
"AITA for wanting to give up my son after discovering he isn’t mine?"
The situation is nothing short of a clusterf%$#. I'm angry, depressed and sad, and I don't know what to do. Throwaway.
I (32M) am shattered and don't know where to turn. My wife passed away last month, only seven months after giving birth to our son. She developed peripartum cardiomyopathy, a rare and severe form of heart failure that can occur in the months following childbirth. Despite the doctors' best efforts, she didn’t survive. Losing her so suddenly has left me heartbroken and in a state of constant grief.
Three weeks ago, my wife's best friend came over to visit. She was visibly nervous and eventually told me she had something sensitive to share. After some hesitation, she revealed that my wife had confided in her that she’d been unfaithful around the time our son was conceived and that there was a chance he might not be mine.
I was stunned and angry. My wife’s best friend was telling me this only weeks after my wife’s death, and it felt like an attempt to tarnish her memory. I couldn’t believe it. I told her to leave and not to come back, convinced she was lying or trying to shift blame onto me somehow. The whole thing felt like a betrayal, and I tried to push the thought out of my mind.
But once the idea was planted, it wouldn’t go away. I kept wondering, What if she was telling the truth? After days of tormenting myself with this possibility, I decided to get a DNA test. It wasn’t an easy decision—I felt guilty for even considering it—but I needed closure.
Yesterday, the results came back. My worst fears were confirmed, my son isn’t biologically mine.
Now, I’m in turmoil. I loved my wife, and I wanted to believe our son was a piece of her and me together. But knowing he’s not biologically mine has left me feeling lost and betrayed. I keep looking at him, trying to feel the same bond, but the pain of my wife’s infidelity is so fresh, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to move past it.
I feel awful even considering it, but I don’t know if I can raise him on my own. The betrayal I feel is overwhelming, and I don’t know if I’m capable of giving him the love and care he deserves. It’s breaking my heart, and I feel like a failure, but I also feel like I’m not equipped to give him the life he deserves. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
NTA. I'm sorry this has happened, unfortunately now he is a reminder of betrayal and a reminder that your life with your wife was a lie. It might be best to put him up for adoption or let your wife's family take him. You will never have the bond with him that you would have had if this truth had not been uncovered.
Boring-Committee-959 OP replied:
I haven't told anyone yet about the test. However I think it'd be best if I do so immediately.
Have you thought to call her friend and ask who the father is? That took a lot for her to tell you. She could have never told you. The right thing to do first is attempt to find this guy and inform him.
Boring-Committee-959 OP replied:
I haven't contacted her since that day. However your suggestion is sound and I'd definitely contact her for his details, if she has any.
More than likely she knows who it is. Be sure to apologize and say it was such a big shock but you appreciate she told you the truth. Do you recall looking back things that didn't add up? Did she ever mention a guy and put off like the person was a friend or co worker? Did any guy stand out may Be at her service or anything like that?
Did you look through her phone since finding out to see if there was anything on there? Look at her bank statement for unusual charges in when she could have been seeing him?
NTA. It’s not the child’s fault, you should tell your wife’s family so they can take him. I worry if you raise him you’ll always resent him. I’m so sorry for your loss, and your wife’s betrayal. Please get therapy so you can heal. Best of luck OP
NTA. Give her parents their grand baby.
After reading the comments OP came back with this update:
I hadn't thought of contacting the friend, but I will now. The replies have really solidified what I have been feeling. The child is innocent, but I don't think I'd be able to love or care for him as well as I should. Informing the family will be my first step, then contacting the AP, if possible.
Adoption is going to be my last resort. Many of you may believe I'm a monster, but put yourself in my situation, I hope you all understand.
5 days later OP came back with this update:
Thanks to everyone who reached out with advice and support. I didn’t get to respond to every message, but I really appreciate it.
After finding out my son isn’t biologically mine, I decided to tell both my family and my in-laws. My family was shocked and angry about everything, but they stood by me. My in-laws were also shocked but didn’t believe it at first. They asked to see the DNA test results, and after seeing them, they suggested we do a second test with both families present, just to be sure.
They said that if it confirmed he isn’t mine, my late wife’s sister (who has a 4-year-old daughter) would adopt him, and I could take my name off the birth certificate if I wanted. I agreed, and we did the test yesterday. Results should come in about a week.
Honestly, I’m relieved with how things are playing out. There hasn’t been any drama, and everyone’s been understanding. I’ve also talked to a lawyer who said getting my name off the certificate should be straightforward with the test results.
Thank you all again for the support, and for those who offered to adopt him, I'm sorry, but your kindness means a lot. I’ll update when the final results are in.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
NTA. This is heartbreaking knowing the last living piece of your wife's memory is now just a reminder of her betrayal.
It must be such a relief to have everyone on the same page and avoiding drama. I hope everything works out in a way that brings OP peace.
I dunno. I think knowing she was a scumbag could also make it easier to let go of the idea that a perfect life was ripped from his grip. Like, s%$#@y in the short term, but wouldn't you rather have a dead crappy ex than a dead great one?
The fact that his in-laws are even willing to adopt and his family is standing by him shows that everyone is looking out for the child’s well-being.
9 days later OP came back with this "final update":
Baby's gone. The results came back two days ago. As expected, I’m still not the father. By the time the results came in, I had already packed up most of the baby’s things. My mom was staying with me, helping take care of the baby and keeping me sane through all of this.
This morning, my late wife’s parents, sister, and brother-in-law came to pick him up. The handover was smooth except for a snarky comment from my wife’s sister. She said I seemed too eager to let the baby go.
I didn’t respond—there was no point—but it stung. Despite that, my in-laws (her parents) were supportive throughout and told me going no-contact would be best for everyone involved. I agreed—it’s painful, but I think it’s the right choice. I hugged them goodbye, and they left. They’re good people, and I’ll miss them.
Now, the house feels empty. My mom went back home today but will return tomorrow to stay for about a week until things settle. Honestly, I feel relieved. Call me what you want, but I’m finally breathing again. This whole ordeal has been exhausting, but knowing I can start fresh feels like a weight off my shoulders.
As for my wife’s belongings, I gave her jewelry to my in-laws. They didn’t want anything else except for a few trinkets and pictures, so they told me I could sell or donate the rest. I haven’t decided what to do with it yet, but I’ll figure it out.
I didn’t respond to comments on my last post because the hate was overwhelming and I was exhausted. My DMs were flooded with some of the vilest messages imaginable just because I chose not to raise a child that isn’t mine and conceived through infidelity.
To those who supported me, thank you. Your words helped me make decisions I wasn’t confident about before. And to those who criticized me, I appreciate the perspective—even if I didn’t agree, it made me think.
For now, I’m taking a break from dating and focusing on myself. Maybe I’ll buy a bike and get back into riding, or hit the gym again. I just need to move forward. I’ll be keeping this account for about a week before I delete it. Thanks again to those who took the time to support or challenge me—it’s been a hell of a journey.
Here's what people had to say after the final update:
Wishing you healing and peace, and a happy future.
Don’t listen to the hate. It’s easy to pass judgement on someone else and try and act holier than thou. We have no idea how we’d actually feel if placed in a situation like that. I’m sure the baby will be well taken care of. Take time for yourself, and move forward.
It is so crazy that people would give him s' for not wanting to raise another man's child, ngl he dodged a bullet with this one....imagine having to raise another'man's child, the time and resources only to find out later...it would have hurt way more than it is rn, love and light OP
her sister should know OPs wife was for the streets and would've committed paternity fraud for sure. The child is innocent, but not responsibility of OP.
Bet dollars to donuts that witchy sister knew of the affair.