'AITA for wanting to ask my ex for rent money months after our breakup?'
"AITA for wanting to ask my ex for rent money months after our breakup?"
I (26F) was in a very complicated relationship with my ex (29M). Before dating, we were best friends. When we got together, it turned into about a year of on-and-off where he kept going back and forth between me and his ex-girlfriend. Eventually, he said he chose me and wanted to commit.
The relationship itself was extremely hard on me and my self-esteem. He constantly insulted me, compared me to his ex, and isolated me from people. He never paid for anything and said he couldn’t because he was still financially tied to the house he owned with his ex. I tried to be understanding.
At the time, I was paying rent and covering most expenses. I repeatedly asked him to at least contribute financially or help with cleaning if he truly couldn’t afford rent. He didn’t do either. I accepted it because I cared about him and believed things would improve.
Things escalated badly. He hurt me once. He continued to compare me to his ex, and eventually he broke up with me at a point when I was unemployed and emotionally drained. A few months later, his house with his ex was finally sold. And our breakup, I asked him for the money he owed me and he said he couldn’t afford it because he had bought a van.
At the time, I didn’t push harder because I was still emotionally attached and trying to survive the breakup. Now that I’ve had some distance and am finally starting to recover, I’m realizing how much I financially supported him. Altogether, what he should have paid in rent and expenses comes to about €5,000.
So here’s where I’m unsure: Would I be TA if I reached out now, months later, to ask him to pay me back for the rent and expenses he never contributed to? Part of me feels like I enabled this by not enforcing boundaries sooner, but another part of me feels like I was taken advantage of during a very vulnerable time. AITA?
Edit 1: I consulted a lawyer and she said I have enough proof proving that he owes me and we had an agreement. She would be the one talking to him, not me.
Edit 2: Sorry, I must have miss explained it. He agreed on paying half of rent; but kept asking me to pay ahead because he couldn’t afford it due to his house that he still had with his ex. And I did, and then I kept asking for the money (half of rent and food) and he kept saying he couldn’t afford it because he came back from an expensive trip but he’ll pay me soon.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Playroomdramaqueen wrote:
NTA. He sounds absolutely awful and let’s be honest he will absolutely never give you any money and you’ll probably only be hurting yourself by reopening communication.
Not-That-Girl wrote:
It's unclear for your post if you two had an actual arrangement to for him to pay anything, other than you asking for him to help. I'm sorry to say it, but he wasn't really your friend, he's used you, disrespected you and he does care about it.
Honesty, I'd write this off as a lesson learned. Now dust yourself off, and get back to living the best you can. Get a new job. Buy some new clothes, get a different hair cut, or co.our. don't engage with him. Block him in fact. And never let him creep back. YOU DESERVE BETTER, now go look in the mirror and repeat that back!!! Good luck.
Wwwweeeeee wrote:
NTA but why bother? You can ask, but he's not obligated. By not enforcing financial boundaries, you were the willing participant and wouldn't win anything in a court of law, even small claims court, because you continued to allow it. So rather than contacting him again and wasting your time and effort in this new year, consider this a good and hard lesson learned.
You will gain nothing, much less any money, by trying to engage with him again. He doesn't deserve you, he never did, and don't let anyone take advantage of your good nature anymore. You deserve so much better, so close that book, draw a line under all of it, and move on to a brighter, more 'lessons learned' future. And don't let one bad actor spoil it for the rest. Not all guys are rotten.
LadyNemesiss wrote:
You would not be TA for asking but let's be honest here. He won't pay you. He never has, he always had an excuse. He'll have a new excuse waiting. So what will you get out of asking?
More disappointment and you will be in contact again with someone who treated you like crap. Yes, you've wasted a lot of money on him. And yes, it would be more fair if you got it back. However since we know how it'll play out I have to ask: isn't your current peace worth more?
HauntinglyEthereal wrote:
NTA, but I'm not sure if it would do any good. You're the master of your own situation, so you tell me: would reaching out put you in harm's way? He has been physically ab***ve. if you reach out, is there a chance of reigniting that? At the same time, please keep in mind that he will refuse to pay you.
He simply will. Legally, he has no reason to pay you unless he was on a lease with you or signed some legal agreement. Even then, that would require funds to go to court. he will likely just tell you to get bent, to be quite honest.
Ehrlichs_reagant wrote:
NTA, but also you're unlikely to see the money. Are you really wanting the money only, or are you holding on to a reason to contact him, i.e. harassing him about a debt he will never pay? Like fr, take the L and move on. Enforce the boundaries on the next person that treats you like dirt and stop talking to this one...