'AITA for wanting my best friend as my Best Man, even though he cheated on the Maid of Honor?' + UPDATE
"AITA for wanting my best friend as my Best Man, even though he cheated on the Maid of Honor?"
My best friend, FRIEND, I‘ve known since I was in diapers. We were neighbors throughout HS, went to college together, and shared an apartment our last year there.
He’s been a brother our whole lives; we’re both an only child. We’ve talked about how we’ll be each other’s best man for as long as I can remember. I don’t really have any friends other than him; I’m not very social.
2 years ago I met the love of my life, FIANCÉ. 1 year into the relationship, FRIEND meets FIANCÉ’S best friend, MOH (Maid of Honor). FRIEND and MOH start dating. FIANCÉ and I both agreed that this might cause complications in our relationship if they have problems, but also acknowledged that we couldn’t really do anything about it.
What were we gonna do, tell them they can’t date? They were great together, and MOH found him worth giving up “waiting until marriage.” A few months ago, I proposed, and we are set to be married in a little over a month. I asked FRIEND to be my best man. FIANCÉ asked MOH to be Maid of Honor.
2 weeks ago, FRIEND went out with some other friends, and ended up drunk and going home with a girl. He confessed this to me the next day, and he felt like absolute trash.
I told him he’s gotta confess it to MOH. He messed up and it’s only fair to her, and she’ll be a lot more understanding if he tells her himself. He agrees this is the right thing to do.
MOH‘s livid (rightfully so). I come home from work and she‘s at my apartment. She packed a bag and asked FIANCÉ if she could stay with us to get out of her apartment.
I’m fine with this; I can understand she’s going through a rough time. One week ago, MOH decided she can’t handle dating anymore, and they break up. She‘s staying with us until she can find another apartment.
FIANCÉ tells me that there’s no way MOH will be able to handle being at the wedding, especially walking down the aisle with FRIEND. I told her that they don’t need to walk down together, or do anything together, but I can’t tell him he can’t be my best man. It would devastate both of us, as well as leaving me without a best man.
My FIANCÉ tells me I shouldn’t even want to be friends with him anymore, and offers her brother as my best man. She put her foot down on him even being AT the wedding.
She says that one of them can’t be there, and that it’s not fair for MOH to both get cheated on, and then ALSO not able to go to the wedding because we “chose” FRIEND over her.
FRIEND is already devastated that he messed up his relationship. I hate cheaters, but you don’t just turn on your lifelong best friend because he messed up. I understand that it is very challenging for MOH, but I also feel like since this is MY wedding, it should be determined by what me and FIANCÉ want.
I shouldn’t go through my wedding without a best man because of MOH. I also don’t think that it should be a choice of one or the other, and that they should both come and be professional and avoid each other. AITA for standing by having him as my best man?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
NAH except your best man (but not the point). And maid of honor needs to put her issues aside for the day. This is a day about you and fiancé! Do everything you can to separate them (don’t have them walk together, don’t have them sit near each other).
NAH. That sucks.
Please update aftee the horror show this will cause either way.
NAH except FRIEND. But I do agree it would be unfair to uninvite him. Personally I would keep the wedding as it is, with the exception of obvious stuff like them not walking the aisle together.
If either of the two can’t put their issues to one side for one day, that’s on them. You and your fiancé shouldn’t have to pick one or the other or lose a friend over their relationship.
Three months later, the OP returned with an update.
Supposed to marry months ago, but due to circumstances unrelated to this situation, we have had to push it back until this past weekend. A few days after my post, MOH moved in with a friend who was looking for a roommate.
Two weeks after she was out, I started having FRIEND over to hangout. FIANCÉ knew that I was doing this, but I never usually tell her when exactly it is. FIANCÉ came home from work early one day on my day off, while FRIEND was there, having a few drinks with me.
This was the first time FIANCÉ had come face-to-face with FRIEND since their confrontation after the incident. She saw his car, and immediately went up to our room.
I followed her up there to ask if it was okay that he was over, and while hesitant, she said it was okay. Asked if she wanted to come down and hangout with us, and she said she was tired, and might come down in bit.
I go back, FRIEND asks if he should leave, a bit later, FIANCÉ comes down, grabs a drink, and sits with us. She joined the conversation quickly, although I can feel the awkwardness.
After a few drinks, the topic of how MOH is doing comes up. FIANCÉ says she's doing fine. FIANCÉ tells FRIEND that she knows he's a good guy, even if he messed up.
She admitted wishing that MOH would look past things to be able to just go on with the wedding ceremony as planned. FIANCÉ was getting annoyed at the situation, and was somewhat hurt that MOH can't put her personal thoughts aside for her best friend's wedding day.
Roughly a week later, FIANCÉ told MOH she has until 3 days before the wedding to decide, or she will select a new one. The time passes, and FIANCÉ chooses her cousin.
The day before the wedding, MOH calls FIANCÉ in tears about how bad of a friend she feels like, and asks if it is too late to still be maid of honor. I had my opinions on this, but I recognized it wasn’t my place, and FIANCÉ allowed her it.
Wedding day came, and MOH called the morning of to tell FIANCÉ she couldn’t go through with it. FIANCÉ was pretty devastated. Luckily, her cousin had gone through rehearsals as maid of honor, and was happy to fill in.
The wedding continued, and I had an uneasy feeling MOH was going to show up and make a scene, but thankfully, she didn’t. Her parents were there (close to FIANCÉ), but MOH wasn’t mentioned.
WIFE is moving on past MOH, and is done with her nonsense. I think we can both understand how difficult getting cheated on was, but she was given months to decide on whether to stay as MOH, and she bailed on the day of the wedding.
I don’t think FRIEND is a bad person, just made a terrible mistake. But I am glad that this didn’t hurt my new marriage. Thanks for all of your advice, support, and criticism! I really think it all helped me grow as a person, and view situations from the perspective of others.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
I don't know, I still think your friend is TA and MOH got screwed. From her perspective, she gets cheated on and then her best friend picks the cheater over her for the sake of appearances during the wedding.
I think it would have been best if your friend got "demoted" from best man to a regular groomsmen, which would have allowed a little more emotional distance. Idk, I just sort of feel really bad for MOH, even though she definitely shouldn't have bailed at the last minute after promising to come.
This was hard to read. The NAMES in caps read like someone yelling names.
I kept hearing it in like a loud sarcastic voice on my head.
I never thought I’d see a comment section that I felt went too easy on a cheater (not that I think cheating is okay but Redditors usually act like cheaters and anyone who doesn’t immediately go NC with them should be burned at the stake).
Never understand how, even when drunk, do people call meeting some random person, flirting with them, going home together, falling into bed together, then waking up in the morning and deciding not to confess, all while being aware that they have a partner already... A mistake. That is surely way more than one.