'AITA for wanting BF to set boundaries with 'mother figure' who is trying to ice me out?' UPDATED 3X
"AITA? An older woman is trying to 'mother' my bf and ice me out. I think she’s overbearing and I need some boundaries."
TL/DR: My (25F) boyfriend (25M) has a family friend (50sF) who sleeps in his bed, walks around in her bra, and watches us cuddle. His mother just passed. Now 50sF says she considers herself his “mother” and is trying to ice me out. AITA?
We’ve been dating for 1y +. Three months in, his mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He had to move home several states away. I moved out (at his request) for 3 months (got my own place). His mom and I got along amazingly, she even left family jewelry to me in her will.
He’d told me about his friend (25F) who’d had a crush on him in high school- fine. He also told me that he’d stayed at her apartment for a night when he’d gotten there- also fine. But things got weird when I met her mom…
We went over to hers for dinner, and she and her mom only talked about how close he was to them. They told me that when he’d gone over to 25F’s house, he’d stripped down to his undies so she could do his laundry, and that she did his hair. (He’d never mentioned this.)
They have a special nickname for him and tease me for not using it. The daughter even went upstairs to change into the same outfit I was wearing. The mom was even more possessive. For months now, she’s iced me out over and over…I didn’t hear from him for 2 days and later found out she’d taken him on a trip to NY.
When he moved back, the mom flew in to help and asked him to stay in her hotel room for the night. (He could have stayed at mine.) I asked “one bed or two?” He said my suggestion was gross, she’s like a mom to him.
She keeps crossing boundaries- she takes sips of his drink at dinner. When I take a bite of his food, she immediately asks him to “make her a bite.” This summer, they insisted that they all take a vacation together- I wasn’t invited.
A few days ago his mother passed. He decided to stay in his condo alone for the night. 50sF flew in at 1 AM and went straight to his condo. There’s no couch and it’s a 1 bedroom. She slept in his bed for two days.
I was shocked but I didn’t say anything, this is NOT the time- he can barely talk and is processing his grief. But I was so appalled and insulted. She also told me not to come over to check on him. She even asked me to drive her around and run errands for her. I ignored that and went over.
Every time I tried to get close to him, cuddle in his bed, sit next to him, she took my place or made him move. Then she got ice cream on her shirt, and she took it off in the living room(!) As I was laying next to him, she hovered over us. His uncle and grandparents seem to have an issue with her too. He told me that she and his family were “fighting over him.”
He never stops her from crossing the line. He needs to solve that, or I need to eventually walk away because I can’t feel like an intruder in my own partnership forever. WIBTA to ask for some boundaries here? Or am I being jealous and controlling?
What do you think? WIBTA for setting boundaries? This is what commenters had to say:
CallousedPhallus said:
NTA… that situation is weird. I usually would never condone an ultimatum but that would be a me vs her scenario in my book. Also you are not being jealous/controlling so don’t even think like that (don’t let them gaslight you into thinking like that too). Again, that situation is not normal like.. at all.
PingPongProfessor said:
NTA. You have a BF problem here: her behavior is clearly beyond inappropriate, and he isn't doing anything to stop it. One (or more) of several things are going on here:
- he's completely oblivious to how over-the-top inappropriate this is;
- he's enjoying her attentions; or
- he doesn't enjoy her attentions, but doesn't have enough of a spine to put a stop to it.
In the end, it doesn't really matter which of these is the case: a long-term relationship with him simply isn't sustainable as long as she's in the picture. You said it yourself:
He needs to solve that, or I need to eventually walk away because I can’t feel like an intruder in my own partnership forever.
So tell him that.
OP responded:
He said about them stealing his water cups that he gave up trying to stop them a while ago because they keep doing it, so they kinda wore him down and are persistent on some things like that.
He one time said something to the mom like “stop being weird around (me)” and they didn’t talk for a week or two but they worked it out. I don’t know exactly what was said because I didn’t dig into it but that was the only time and it was really early on when this stuff started and then never again.
SpareEngineering316 said:
NTA. This would definitely be an ultimatum situation for me. Honestly I'm already a jealous person, I try not to be, but seriously this is way crossing the line and would be completely unacceptable regardless if he's grieving or not. I'd be like, ya'll want him so bad you can have him. He doesn't seem to be trying to include you or address all the weirdness.
And OP responded:
I literally used to hang out with my ex’s ex-hookup buddy and I didn’t get any weird vibes and we got along great, I don’t think I’m a jealous person. So all this made me really question myself if I was being weird about a family who’s just trying to be nice and kind to him but they’re just really physically affectionate as people Y’know?
She later shared this first update:
I called him this morning, I haven’t heard anything in three days. He was asleep (whoops ?). He said he would be driving back with her either today or tomorrow. He’s taking the family dog, and it’s a 14 hour drive. I asked him to let me know when he’s coming and keep me in the loop.
My current plan is to show up when they get in, regardless of the time, and tell her she needs to get a hotel or she can even sleep on my couch (ughhhh but they might get in at a weird hour where she can’t check in, preferable over sharing his bed). She is not sleeping there. I feel sick to my stomach and am trying to do calming breathing but I can’t imagine letting another night in a shared bed go by.
That’s all I’ve got for now! I’ll update what happens when they get here, lemme know your thoughts on the current plan!
Second update:
So he texted me saying he was in the car headed back, and I couldn’t stop myself. I said something, and I’ll provide exact quotes from the texts below, the links to see the screenshots can be found on Imgur HERE as well if you want to see it that way.
ME: Have a safe drive, but I need to be upfront with this: where is (the friend) staying tonight? I think she needs to get a hotel room.
HIM: Don't think we are making it the whole way today got a pretty late start. Probably a hotel then drive remaining tomorrow but we will see. I don't want to kick her out right now. She leaves Sunday morning bc no flights tomorrow.
ME: Are you comfortable with her sleeping in your bed?
HIM: I don't care to be honest. She's like a parent to me so its never made me uncomfortable. I'm sorry if that makes you uncomfortable I don't have my couch yet otherwise I would sleep there. But I'm not going to make her get a hotel when she's like family to me
I need you to be ok with this right now please. I can't handle more questioning about my decisions than my family has already done every single day for the past week. So please just say you are ok right now. We can talk about this a different time if you want to but I'm barely keeping my shit together
....
So I just…wow. I was speechless. I know he’s struggling hard but I couldn’t believe he would blatantly say her staying over was more important to him than my clear discomfort. I do want to have an in person discussion about this with him, for those who would say leave now (I hear you, but it’s hard to do a 180 in a day!)
Edit: I made a mistake on the last update, left out two middle texts by accident. But the overall message was the same.
Third update:
Forgive the delay, we talked yesterday but I was tired and didn’t get to typing it up! We talked in person. Basically he agreed with everything. They won’t let him have a relationship and they need to “stop the weird shit”. He agreed, he wants us all to be friends and I said I could try IF AND ONLY IF the weird shit stops now and forever. I doubt it. He agreed she’s possessive and controlling and it needs to stop.
I challenged why he’d say this now but on Friday I said there’s an issue he told me to leave it alone. Felt hypocritical. He said if he puts up boundaries with them, they will “retaliate” (his word) against ME and blame me for ruining their friendship. I pointed out how toxic and unhealthy that is, and he agreed.
I want action taken, words don’t mean much now. If he can’t put up boundaries immediately and hold to them, I’m gone. But even if he does hold to it, I can’t constantly worry about this. She can’t fight to posses and control him every time there’s a crisis, especially not a mutual crisis (house burns down, pet dies) when I’m struggling too.
I am still lost at what to do here, his mom died a week ago and leaving him after he just said he wants to fix it is tough. When it’s just us, things are fantastic.
For those saying leave now > I do hear you. I’m not shutting my ears to you, it’s a lot to switch from seeing a future to considering leaving it all right now.