'AITA for wanting different rules for my parents after my in-laws treated me badly?' UPDATED

"AITA for wanting different rules for my parents after my in-laws treated me badly?"

I got married in February 2024 and got pregnant shortly after. My in-laws stayed with us for the first four months after my daughter was born, but honestly, both my mother-in-law and father-in-law treated me badly.

My mother-in-law made frequent hurtful comments about my age and breastmilk supply and my father-in-law would sometimes join in, either to taunt me or show passive aggression. At one point, they even refused to bring me food when I was unwell.

While they did help with cooking and taking care of the baby, their presence caused a lot of tension between me and my husband, and we ended up arguing a lot. After they left, things didn’t improve my husband started siding with them, emotionally isolated me, and my recovery was affected.

On top of that, I was also going through a stressful job change, but they didn’t seem to care about how their behavior impacted me or our daughter. After months of discussions and me pleading, my husband finally admitted he and his family were wrong and apologized, promising it won’t happen again..but my trust has been deeply eroded.

Now, I don’t want my in-laws staying with us when they visit. My husband agrees they should stay separately and only see our daughter for a short time in the evenings. I told my husband he can stay with his parents as long as he wants, do whatever he wants with them, and visit them as often as he likes. I also said that me and my daughter can come along and see them too, as long as we stay separately.

The problem is, he insists on applying the same rules to my parents, who have never caused any issues. I’m okay with my parents staying separately, but I want them to be able to spend more time with our daughter.

We also have family in Seattle..my brother, sister-in-law, and nephews...but my husband refuses to let us visit them. He says they must come to us, stay separately, and follow the same limited visitation rules as his parents. AITA for wanting fair but different rules for my parents versus his? Should I stand my ground, and if so, how long is reasonable?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Kalitheblaze wrote:

NTA. You’re creating stricter limits and firmer boundaries for people who treat you badly, to reduce the harm they’re able to do. Your family has not been disrespectful and cruel, so they shouldn’t be treated like they have misbehaved. Treating everyone the same is only fair if their behavior is comparable. It’s not.

But the problem here really isn’t your in-laws or your natal family. It’s your husband. It sounds like he refused to do anything to protect you from his family, and wants to punish your family in a tit-for-tat instead of recognizing that these limits are a result of both his parents actions and his own actions.

You need to have a real think about whether this behavior is something you want to tolerate, because this attitude of “I’m going to punish you when my actions have consequences” is really ugly and harmful. Does it show up in other areas, or is it only that he supports his parents’ bad behavior?

kurokomainu wrote:

NTA. Tell him that the rules are for people that treat you or him like shit. That doesn't doesn't apply to your parents. His parents weren't banned because they were parents, but because of their behavior.

If they behaved like your parents do they would be welcome. If it were your parents behaving badly instead, they would be the unwelcome ones. Honestly, it seems to me that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and your husband is being deliberately obtuse. He is not treating you well either.

Equivalent_double_23 wrote:

My dear, your problem isn’t your in-laws, you have a husband problem. He doesn’t have your back at all and doesn’t want you to have the support you need. He wants tit-for-tat, when he’s not the one suffering. Has he always been this cold and mean, to allow his parents to mistreat you the way they did?

Mainegg320 wrote:

NTA. Your husband is a huge AH!! There is absolutely nothing fair about that arrangement and he’s being petty and cruel. Your parents do not deserve to be punished for his toxic families behavior.

You do not deserve to be isolated from them either. This is very toxic behavior and if I were you I would 100% be considering leaving this controlling AH who sounds every bit as nasty and toxic as his family.

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

UPDATE: Thank you all for your comments and support!! I had made peace with the idea that as long as his parents stay separately, I could go along with anything to keep peace in the house, maintain our relationship, and ensure a stable environment for our daughter.

But I realized this was actually another form of mistreatment...there’s no real accountability or remorse or correctiveness for his actions. Thanks to the online community, my eyes have been opened. I confronted my husband about the unfairness of the situation, explaining that my family should only be held accountable if they behaved like his family.

I emphasized that punishing my family for his parents’ mistakes is unhealthy. The conversation was destructive and emotionally exhausting...he threatened legal action, defended his parents regardless of wrongdoing, and that I cannot simply do whatever I want he will do whatever he thinks is right and will assess the situation once his parents come.

After four hours of emotionally draining discussion, where he often left the conversation in anger and I had to chase him to continue, I pleaded with tenderness, expressed my trauma, and explained that I am not asking them to stay separately out of spite, he responded that my parents can visit and stay for the same six months his parents stayed, and he will count the days and inform me.

After that, he will not meet them to keep his conscience clear, even though my parents did nothing wrong and he has no ill will toward them.

I can visit my brother with our daughter any number of times. His parents can come and stay separately, but our daughter can meet them only for a stipulated amount of time. I recognize this dynamic as toxic and controlling, but I feel trapped by cultural pressure...the South Asian stigma against divorced women with children limits my options.