'AITA for wanting to divorce my husband over a birthday party and cake?' 'He let himself go.'
"AITA for wanting to divorce my husband over a birthday party and cake?"
Throwaway account, as my husband and his family know my main one. I (40f) have been married to my husband Sam (41m) for 10 years. We have four children (22,16,14 and 11) and up until the last few months, I genuinely thought that we could work through anything. This is not the only situation that has happened in the last few years, just the one that finally broke me.
I recently had a birthday and Sam planned a surpise birthday party for me. He spilled the beans to me 3 days before the party and I thought it was adorable that he was so excited about the party that he couldn't contain himself.
I wish this was the case, instead he told me that I needed to help him clean the house to get it ready for my party. Yes, you read that right, I needed to prepare food and set the house for my own party.
I agreed to clean to keep the peace, but was upset. The day of the party quickly came and I was devastated to learn that he didn't invite most of my friends or family. He claimed that he didn't know how to contact them.
The final straw came when he carried out a cake in a flavor that he loved, nothing that I would ever chose for myself. I barely managed to keep it in and cried in the bathroom after everyone left.
I feel like an afterthought and hated listening to everyone compliment him for throwing me a party. I work two jobs,take care of the kids, do all of the meal planning, grocery shopping and most of the housework.
I am exhausted and just wanted to feel appreciated for a day. AITA for considering divorce because I feel he doesn't care? I just can't imagine throwing away 10 years of marriage, but I feel broken.
Later, OP edited the post to include:
We have been together for almost 14 years. The oldest child is his, the middle two are mine and the youngest is ours. Yes, my husband does work in a labor intensive job, so it made logical sense for me to pick up a second job when money was tight.
The problems in our marriage are not new, but I struggle with standing up for myself when it comes to him. I did have one family member that attended the party and one friend. The friend was upset for me, and couldn't believe that he didn't try to ask her for help with planning.
As for my marriage, there are other issues than this party, as many of you kindly pointed out. I constantly feel that I am walking on eggshells around him and one of the children recently told me that they hate how he treats me.
There was a recent altercation at a family event that brought our problems out in the open. I would say that 60 percent of the time that things are wonderful and 40 percent of the time I am unhappy. He let himself go in the last five years and hygiene has become a major issue for him. I struggle with this because I really take care of myself.
He tends to overreact to the little things which makes me feel that I can't tell him how upset I am. Today I will be contacting a marriage therapist and I plan on finding a therapist for myself as well.
I don't know if this marriage is salvageable, but I can't continue to live like this. I love this man with all of my heart, but I want to be with someone who wants to touch me, and love me for me. I hope that the marriage counselor can help us figure out more.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Old_Beach2325 said:
NTA tell him “I hope you enjoyed your birthday party, now I don’t have to throw you one when it’s your birthday."
TheRadiumGirl said:
NTA. I get it. You want to feel seen. After 10 years, you deserve a partner that sees you, knows what's important to you, values you and actually shows it.
canuckleheadiam said:
Don't think of divorce as throwing away 10 years of marriage... think of it as not wasting any more years on a man who doesn't really seem to care much about you. NTA.
Recent-Necessary-362 said:
NTA but he didn’t throw you a birthday party, he threw him a party for himself. You cleaned for it. You hosted and took care of the kids. His friends were there and his cake flavor. Leave because you’re not his partner or spouse. You’re his nanny. You deserve better than this.
wakingdreamland said:
NTA. It’ll hurt, but long term, you’re better off without him. Find someone who will clean the house, care about your friends, and knows what kind of cake to get you.
Amazing_Reality2980 said:
NTA sounds like this is an ongoing issue that reflects that he's just selfish and self centered. If he didn't even invite your friends and family, then he actually threw himself a party. Maybe trying marriage counseling first might help you save it, but it's understandable if your husband is always this selfish that you've had enough.
Austins_Mom said:
Sounds like you have to invite your friends and family to his birthday and make sure you get your favorite cake, and he helps clean up before and after. Maybe even have your favorite food for dinner that night. Is it petty, hell yes.
I don't understand partners that don't celebrate their significant others, it's really the easiest thing you can do. I'm so sorry you were treated like that. NTA.