'AITA not wanting my fiancée's ex at our wedding?' 'I'm DONE being a pushover.' UPDATED

"AITA not wanting my fiancée's ex at our wedding?"

I need this off my chest desperately, but I want to make it a little bit vague. I would hate for my partner to see this and figure it out before I get a chance to talk to them about it.

So here we go: I want to start off with saying that I'm not sure if I've loved anyone quite this much before, and I have been married before. But never felt this type of compatibility and connection before, until all that came crashing down a couple weeks ago...

My partner is friends with almost all of their exes, and I'm totally okay with it because I'm not a crazy jealous psycho and they have all been nothing but very nice and respectful to me, super friendly, and they all have their own partners and lives figured out, apart from my partner's ex fiancée. They were together for almost 10 years but never got married due to some family drama from the ex fiancée's side.

My partner has gone on to say and reiterate a couple times that they were so in love, so into each other, and would have still been together if it wasn't for this particular family drama. They also broke up almost three years before we got together, however they were still sleeping together that whole time, up until a month before my partner met me.

This already rang alarm bells when I heard it but I shrug it off because I thought it was my past experiences and traumas talking through me, and not common sense. I try to be very mindful of giving people their own space, and letting them be themselves fully, speak how they want and be authentic...

However, "I would still be with my ex if not for this one thing" is not pleasant to hear, but I figured they just had a super strong loving bond and okay, I moved on. I never made any problems out of them being friends, I even tried a few times to reach out to this ex myself to become friendly...

I sent them a couple of memes and tried to strike up small talk a few times on my own initiative but they've always been super weird with me, making strange flirty comments to my partner when they've been speaking on the phone for example, or being condescending about me and my family...

I don't want to go too much into detail about what they said to not make myself identifiable but I gave them grace and three chances to become friends, they blew them all by completely disrespecting me and my relationship. This ex even implied that they talk with my partner secretly when I'm at work, probably to get a reaction out of me to see if I'll bite.

I blocked them everywhere, my partner knows this, but I'm ok with them still being friends if that's what my partner wants. I'm cool with it as long as I don't have to be forced to be friends with this ex, because I have no reason to want to do that after how they treated me.

My partner said they understand and were cool with that, they said they don't want to choose my friends for me just like they wouldn't want me choosing theirs. Fair. Any time they speak on the phone they run to the other side of the garden, start wandering aimlessly to get away from me...

It seems avoidant like they don't want me to hear them talking and I was okay with that too, everyone has a right to private conversations. I get it. Okay, maybe I stopped being super enthusiastic about this person, and stopped asking "how is so and so?" after they spoke on the phone or whatever, stopped wanting to become acquainted however still remained completely civil, said hi when I had the chance, was polite as required.

All was great until the final blow came - my partner asked me if they could invite their ex fiancé to our wedding. I was shocked and couldn't answer, I said I would think about it, but I'm honestly so hurt that they would even ask me that knowing I have their ex blocked and knowing how they disrespected me and made me feel like an outsider in our own relationship. I'm absolutely gutted.

What makes it even worse is the way they phrased it: "I would love to invite X to our wedding. They're my friend and I have a sentiment towards them. I will completely understand if you don't want them there and I will absolutely respect that decision, but I would like them to come."

At first I was sad and enraged. if you WILL COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND AND RESPECT that I don't want them there, then you've just answered your own question have you not?

I feel like a deer in the headlights. This has completely killed my excitement for the wedding, and it's made it hard to even think about. in previous relationships my boundaries were violated to quite an extreme extent, and my partner knows this. The wedding I had before was a sham.

It wasn't mine, wasn't how I wanted, I had to compromise a lot and do things in spite of myself back then. it was awful, not only the wedding but the whole marriage. both me and my ex contributed to that fact, I've taken full accountability for my part in it and I've gone through extensive psychotherapy to learn to love myself again and set healthy boundaries, speak up for myself and be assertive among other things.

I've been in that healthy space for over three years now, however, after hearing that question I feel like I've taken a hundred steps back, and the ache is so deep it's giving me cold feet about the whole wedding.

I feel small and insignificant, like an afterthought, a plaster for an ache of an unrequited love, like a second choice. I love my partner completely and I want them to be happy, that's why I think if they really want their ex to be there and it means a lot to them then they should be able to do that...

However I also love myself and want to put my peace and well-being first, soooooooo...I'm totally stuck, on one hand I think I have a right to feel how I feel, on the other hand I don't want to seem totally unreasonable. I'm not and never have been the type to give anyone ultimatums, I would never say "it's either me or them," but at this point I don't think I can do it.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, and if I get none, at least it feels good to write it down and get it off my chest to process it before I ultimately have to talk to my partner about it. I don't want to lose them, but I also don't want to lose myself again in the name of "love."

I'm happy to never get married again if that's what it takes to keep myself and my boundaries in tact. I'm done being a pushover. Am I overreacting?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

wpnsc said:

Your partner still loves his ex. I think you need to think twice or you are going to be in the situation you were in before. Divorced again. Think hard!

GnomieOk4136 said:

I am sorry, but your partner is still in love with the ex, and the ex is still hanging on. They aren't physically in the same region, or you would be faced with a partner who cheats. I wouldn't be okay with that, either. The secrecy when they talk is icky.

Spinnerofyarn said:

You’re not reacting enough. He should have ended the friendship when it got to the point you had to block her. He already knows how uncomfortable you are with her, so why does he even want to invite her? This would have me questioning the whole relationship.

dheffe01 said:

Not overreacting and I would be saying no, now is the time for him to distance himself from his former fiancée. its clear that he cannot be impartial here.

reba010480 said:

Your partner is massively disrespecting you. In my opinion you're not overreacting enough!

msginnyo said:

Call off the wedding. Break up with him. You are the other woman in this trio. For the sake of your sanity get rid of him.

UPDATE:

I mustered up the courage to speak to my fiancée today, after all of your heartfelt comments, all the great advice and encouragement - even in the form of harsh cold truths. Therefore, I have to start by saying a massive thank you to everyone who contributed something to the post, it validated my feelings and helped me not feel so alone with my thoughts. I appreciate every single one of you.

I couldn't sleep last night after reading a few of your comments, they were very hard hitting and made me reconsider not only my behavior and thought patterns, but my values as well. Because although I had strong moral values, I was not upholding them AT ALL by not speaking up for myself. That changed today.

I woke up and knew that I couldn't hold it longer and had to let it flow out naturally, just like in my original post. I mentioned the disrespect, the lack of communication between me and the ex despite my previous gentle efforts, the stupid, flirtatious and jealous jokes from her...

I laid it all out on the table. My voice was shaking, but I got out everything I needed to get off my chest and then some. In the heat of the moment I even concluded with "I love you so much that I want you to have the wedding of your dreams. I already had one that wasn't mine, I know how much that sucks, and I wouldn't want to wish it on you.

That's why if it means that much to you for her to be at the wedding, then I'm willing to set you free and hope y'all have a very lovely celebration without me." Of course I ended up shedding a few tears, but they were met with complete consolation, consideration and empathy. I was reassured, comforted and I felt heard. Which is what I desperately needed.

As many of you correctly pointed out in the comments, I'm someone that always wants to be the most accommodating to the people I love. Sometimes even to my own detriment, which I was able to recognize again through this situation.

It's something I worked through in therapy before, thought I succeeded, but healing isn't linear and sometimes old patterns creep back when we feel the most vulnerable. I can fully admit this happened.

My fiancée asked me why I never made it obvious that I don't like her. Why I acted so cool about it. To tell you all the truth my partner is right. I didn't overly let it show that I don't like her other than blocking her everywhere (partner claims they didn't realize I still had her blocked and thought i didn't, because I didn't act like I hate her), out of respect for my partner.

But in that way I disrespected myself and my own boundaries. I was honest in my reply: "if she's your friend, and you guys are cool, and I love you and want you to be happy, then why would I hate on your friend to your face?." My fiancée looked at me completely puzzled and said "well, because you're the most important person to me, and how you feel is my absolute priority.

I didn't realize you were so uncomfortable with her, I'm so sorry I didn't see it and was oblivious. I will do absolutely anything for you to feel like you're number one, because you are. She will not attend our wedding, she won't be in the picture. I love you."

They also questioned me on why I didn't react straight away when the question about her attending was asked, why I didn't just burst out with "are you kidding me right now??" and I explained that I wanted to think it through, I wanted so badly for it to be ok but it just isn't and I don't want her at the wedding.

"I can't have someone present that I feel holds animosity towards me and our relationship. I have too much respect for myself." The reply I got made me very happy. "I totally understand that and I agree with you. I get it, and I'm sorry. But next time please just don't bottle anything in, I want you to feel safe."

About the phone calls? My partner didn't want to bore me with the ex's crap, trivial small talk and her complaining about stuff. I want to believe it, it seemed very genuine but I'm still giving it time.

And for those wondering about if the wedding plans are commencing: they aren't for now, but may again in the future if all goes well. I've decided words aren't enough, and I want to see all of this in action. I want to see clear boundaries put up with the ex.

This was the only thing in our relationship that made me uncomfortable - her being so out of touch, lacking decorum and disrespecting our union, and my partner being so oblivious to it.

They even said her stupid jokes fell on deaf ears because it was obvious that she was just being jealous & bitter, because she hasn't found anyone yet, and can see we are are very happy together and have a lot more in common than they ever did.

My partner apparently found her jokes quite pathetic, and said she always was a bit rude and tactless, which is something they never liked about her. Sounds a lot different than "we'd still be together if it wasn't for her crazy overbearing mother" but alas I'm giving it a chance.

Lesson to take away from this situation for me: continue working on assertiveness and speaking up. This is a gradual process. Don't bottle things in. That doesn't mean burst out into flames every time an uncomfortable feeling arises...

But sit with it for a moment and let it be heard. Always speak your truth no matter the outcome. And if no change is made and the ex reappears with a vengeance - they can have each other.

For now we're gonna take things easy while we work on patching up this wedge and rebuilding trust. If my partner puts their money where their mouth is, I'm confident we can make this work.

And who knows, in a few years once the ex is happily married too and everyone knows their place, maybe we can all laugh about this together at a summer barbecue. Maybe not. Once again, thank you all so much for your input and your encouragement. And let's see what the future brings. Much love to you all.

Here's what people had to say about the update:

Thin-Policy8127 said:

I'm glad this is working out for you! BUT (bear with me), you still need to talk to them about that comment about "they'd still be together if X hadn't happened." Just like you were being honest about the rest, you need to talk that one over--it's living rent-free in your head and souring ongoing moments that it shouldn't. Hugs.

Ms-Janet-Snakehole said:

The Ex will be a constant dark cloud of sabotage and attempted emotional affairs unless your Fiance also goes NC with her. Your Fiance was willfully thoughtless and oblivious to your feelings.

Then after learning how you feel is STILL going to be friends with their Ex who is clearly rooting for you guys to break up? It would be permanent NC or nothing for me. She allowed her to disrespect you and defended her cruelty and then claims she’s too stupid to recognize her intentions…sure, Jan.

Usual-Canary-7764 said:

Nice. I said to postpone the wedding on the original post and I am glad that even though things are looking positive u have done exactly that. Positivity has been used before to hide dark clouds. Would not have wanted that for you. NTA.

Constant_Host_3212 said:

I'm glad it worked out - but it seems to me you're still bottling something up. That comment of your partner: "we'd still be together if it wasn't for her crazy overbearing mother" has lodged in your heart. You need to bring it up and ask your partner about it.

Tell him openly that there's rather a big disconnect between "ex can see we are very happy together and have a lot more in common than they ever did", and his previous comment "we'd still be together if it wasn't for her crazy overbearing mother", and ask him if he can walk you through how the latter fits in with "I will do absolutely anything for you to feel like you're number one, because you are."

FartMasterChamp said:

This is so sad. He's lying to you and you're stupidly believing him. This doesn't explain any of his comments. He's still in love with her and you're too delusional to accept it and move on.

Aggravating-Plum8147 said:

I don’t really but he didn’t know. He didn’t want to see it as he’d have to choose. You’re smart to put the wedding on hold. Him saying hed be with he if x didn’t happen, then oh her jokes make her seem jealous and bitter. Something feels off here.