'AITA for wanting to get my kids tested for autism because they’re similar to our autistic nanny?'

"AITA for wanting to get my kids assessed for autism because they’re so similar to our nanny who has autism?"

My husband and I have 2 kids (3f and 6m). We have a nanny, Anna. Anna picks my daughter up from preschool at 12 and stays with the kids until 6. My kids can be difficult. My daughter only eats 4 meals.

My son has the attention span of a squirrel and refused to brush his teeth until very recently. They both refused to take their dishes to the sink or carry them from the counter to the table. I’ve talked to their teachers and pediatrician about their behaviors and I am always told that they’ll grow out of it, it’s a toddler thing, it’s a boy thing, etc. but it just drives me crazy.

Anna has autism and tends to see things differently than I do so I asked for her help with these issues. The first thing she told me was that every plate and bowl in our house feels weird in her hands. I got new plates and bowls and suddenly we didn’t have an issue with them taking their dishes from the counter to the table and table to the sink.

Then she switched my son’s toothbrush out from the electric one the dentist recommended to this softer than soft one and got my son his own toothpaste. We went from my son needing to be held down so we could brush his teeth to him willingly doing it after being reminded 5 times (annoying but still manageable).

My daughter now wears more than the same 3 outfits. They both have visual planners in their rooms and a strict routine to follow and tantrums are down. If everything Anna changed helping the kids isn’t enough, both of my kids are so similar to Anna in different ways.

I’ve been thinking lately that if all of Anna’s fixes are working and if they’re so similar to her personality wise, maybe they’re also on the spectrum. Anna didn’t get diagnosed until last year and says no teacher or doctor ever said anything so it’s very possible that they might have something that isn’t being detected.

I told my husband that I want to get the kids assessed because I see so much of Anna in them but he’s refusing because the kids being similar to their disabled nanny doesn’t mean they’re disabled, especially if every person we’ve talked to says their issues are normal for their ages. I still want to get them assessed just in case but he shuts it down every time I bring it up.

My mom agrees that I shouldn’t be getting them assessed just because they’re similar to their nanny and that she could just be rubbing off on them. I told her that her rubbing off on them is her getting my son addicted to cheese, not the kids having sensory issues, even if they don’t know what sensory issues are and can’t voice it.

She says me insisting that there could be something wrong is probably why they’re acting like something’s wrong. Now I’m wondering if I’m wrong for trying to get them assessed and if pushing this too hard is why we’re struggling.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Akeath wrote:

I recently underwent cognitive testing. To a kid, it would likely feel like elaborate school work or even a game. It was fun in a way, actually. Some people hate diagnoses, but I love that they exist. It shows that you aren't alone, helps you know yourself, and most importantly gets you the treatment you need to live your best life. It could make the kids' lives so much easier.

And if you don't know, its not like the effects go away. There are better ways to treat and relate to kids on the spectrum that could make things much easier for not only you as the parent but your kids as well. Give your kids the gift of that. I've got multiple diagnoses.

There's this "aha, that explains everything!" moment when you hear a diagnosis. You'll realize when you look into that you've known these things about yourself but just never had a proper explanation and name for it. And the younger they are when they find out, the stronger they'll be at accepting themselves for who they are and not letting stigma damage their self-esteem.

Also, though, I think it's bordering on medical neglect on the part of the husband/Grandma to know your kids may have some special needs but refuse to take steps to find out about and meet those needs. If your kid has a broken arm or a hearing problem, would you think you were the asshole for taking your kids to a specialist to check it out?

You aren't the asshole. But husband sure is for not wanting the kids tested. There's not actually much difference than if it were a physical thing that needed to be looked into or cognitive testing - in either case it's your duty as a parent to make sure you know what's going on with kids and are getting them what they need.

zealousideal-read445 wrote:

NTA. Getting them assessed and starting therapy ASAP will be life changing for them! My oldest (now 19M) didn't speak until he was 3. I kept being told the same thing about stuff until I just bypassed all the primary care docs and made an appointment with a specialist. It took her less than 5 minutes with him for her to give me a diagnosis at that point.

There is a lot of ableism in your husband and mom's responses. As an adult who's AuDHD and wasn't diagnosed until my mid 30's, it will be far worse and more traumatic for them to NOT be assessed. Autism is a neurotype, and is largely hereditary.

Meaning there is a good chance that either you or your husband have it if they do as well. It isn't a lable or a bad thing. It's an explanation of their behavior, and how to help them learn and grow into functional and happy adults.

Thriilsy wrote:

Get them assessed. If you get them assessed, the worst case scenario is that you have wasted a couple hours and some money to see a doctor or therapist only to the to find out that your husband was right.

However if your husband is wrong, the worst case scenario is that your children go through their lives struggling more than they need to because they just get seen as "picky" or "lazy" instead of knowing that they are on the spectrum and being able to find things that help them, the same way Anna has, with things they would other find difficult or uncomfortable.

EDIT: also I find your husband's attitude towards it kind of gross. idk how to put why I find it gross into words, but it definitely gives me a bit of ick

imaninjayoucantseeme wrote:

My father didn't want to have me tested as a child because he didn't want to have an autistic child. Yes, if you don't test for it, it doesn't exist type of logic.

Please, please, please have your child tested if you have a shred of concern.

Notpostingmyrealname wrote:

NTA, your husband is acting like an idiot. Assessment doesn't give them autism, and if they are autistic, knowing sooner is better, especially for school. Autism doesn't have to be as big of a problem for them if they learn to navigate the world in comfort and security with a toolbox full of things to help them deal with life in a neurotypical world.

I didn't figure out I was autistic until my 40's. That's 40 years of being told "it's not that bad, deal with it." If I'd had adults helping me instead of telling me to suck it up, I'd have been a lot better off and better equipped to be good at being an adult.

Instead I believed I was a failure, dropped out of school, got pregnant and threw away the future I'd wanted because I didn't think I was good enough/smart enough/capable enough. I love my kids, and life is pretty good - but I'd have been better off knowing what was going on when I was a kid. My life would have absolutely been changed for the better if I'd been assessed as a child.